Low on the Go!

a glimpse at the wretchedness of my sin.

a couple of days ago, i was talking to a friend of mine. he said something that stuck with me.
you have such a perfect little life, lydia. don't you ever feel inadequate? you always seem to have the answers.

i thought to myself, if only you knew.

today, something happened and my heart bled immense tears.
i thought to myself, if only he knew how much anger my heart has been experiencing. how much the fight against bitterness is a daily struggle for me. if only he knew how much i want to be free. maybe then he'd see that my life isn't perfect.

today, i sat and cried and cried. in big, capital letters i wrote in my journal, I JUST WANT TO BE FREE.

and God said, child, you ARE free.

so i said, Lord, i'm tired of being brushed off, stood up. i just want to love, but i'm constantly feeling as though i'm being rejected.

and He said,

child, do you not do the same thing to me?

well then, how do i forgive when i feel as though my heart is being broken over and over again?

child, you forgive just as i have forgiven you.

but.. i am not You. i can't do it. i'm just not capable. there's so much hurt and anger inside me.

child, it is true. you can't do it on your own. you are not capable. but i have not left you alone and needy. do you not know that i dwell in you? Do you not know that I raised Jesus from the dead and that i live in you? Trust in me, and know that i am the One who gives life. That is why, my child, you are free. so rise, pick up your bed and go home.

today, there is freedom in my heart, and it feels delightful. how important it is to constantly be telling ourselves the gospel. The Word is the only thing that can set us free from bondage that so easily entangles our wretched hearts.