on choices.
recently, i was asked the question, "why are you still single, Lydia? you are surrounded by multiple godly guys, so why the singlehood?"
my response was to laugh and say that i must not be a good enough catch, because no one was doing any bidding.
but after that self-deprecating comment, i answered, "well, firstly, i'm single because i wouldn't go up to a guy and ask him to start a relationship, and secondly, i'm single because i've said no to the guys who have asked me to start one and anyone that i've ever really been attracted to has never asked me out."
so, i posed this question to other friends; my girlfriends mostly came up with answers similar to mine (or, more surprisingly, since i have many solid girl friends, some even said that no one has EVER pursued them). my guy friends came up with two main replies, which i expected. some of my guy friends replied that they were considering pursuing a girl, but weren't sure if it was the right time. on the other hand, most of them said that although they had many solid woman friends, they weren't attracted to them and its not as though they'd just choose a random girl, simply on the basis that she is godly.
armed with these replies, i was led to conclude that there is obviously there is something more involved in our choices other than godliness. i think that something is attraction. why did i say no to the guys who did the pursuing? because i wasn't attracted to them. why do my godly guy friends not step up to the plate? because they aren't attracted to the girls that surround them, i suppose.
so, my question is, if love is a choice we make (more so than a feeling) then why do we base our initial choices on feelings?
both sets of my grandparents had arranged marriages, so its not as though they had the choice, really. but they chose to love each other and be committed in their marriage. attraction didn't play much of a role, pre-marriage. likewise, isaac and rebekah didn't have much of a focus on attraction. the servant who went to find isaac a wife first noticed her godly attributes. so, what does that say?
yes, it is true, attraction is necessary, to some degree. i mean, read song of solomon and you can't deny that attraction exists! but is the emphasis that we place on it in terms of the pre-dating/marriage phase in western culture really necessary?
i don't know, i'm pretty neutral on this subject (even though i realize that this blog may make it seem as though i'm not), and i just wanted your thoughts and opinions....so comment away!
***
off topic. a cool tidbit: the original members of caedmon's call met because they were all involved in campus (crusade) for christ in university.
another cool tidbit: i really like this guy. any guy that can rap at johnny pipes church has gotta be pretty chill.
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there must be some other kind of attraction out there other than attraction to godliness and physical attraction. I guess what I am saying is that it is not necessarily that guys aren't attracted to the women around them... For example, I admit that I am surrounded by attractive, godly women. Lets say I are attracted to them (maybe all of them)...how then do I go about pursuing one? If I'm going to be honest with the girl someday, what else can I say but, "well honey, you looked about as good as the rest of them out there so I chose you. Now I've grown to really love you." Maybe that is okay.
hmm, in re-reading this post, i realized its a pretty substandard worldly post, since i neglected to make any mention of God and His workings in this post.
shoot. how could i forget God? He is afterall the third (and most important) factor in a relationship.
so maybe, son of man, you'd say "well honey, you looked about as good as the rest of them out there, but God told me different."?
i don't know.
love is a choice and we are to chose love above all else. it is the greatest of all commandments and the bedrock of our faith. but the choice to love another as though they were your own self and in so doing to make the two into one life inseparable; how such a choice is made i know not. it is something entirely intangible and incalculable. it happens in many ways, but with us ultimately having no choice in the matter. such a discovery can be that of destiny alone. God alone is the true medium, just as God in himself is the the true pursuit. next to God himself is any other mystery so explored as the love between a man and a woman? and yet we barely begin to understand. don't expect to understand. only pray for guidance. first we pray to overcome, then we pray to be overcome.
I'm going to be honest here and say that I've never stepped up to the plate because I'm terrified. Petrified about going up to a girl and asking her to start a relationship.
Weird thing... I'm not even afraid of her saying no... but yes. -_- Yeah... I'm crazy.
The other thing at this point that is stopping me from attempting to engage in a relationship is a result of some interesting tidbits that a friend suggested in terms of how a man should be in a godly relationship. After serious introspection, I doubt if I myself am properly spiritually mature enough to engage in such a relationship. I just see myself getting so obsessed with said girl that everything else would go to shambles... instead of the relationship enhancing everything around me.
The feelings would overtake and eventually warp the relationship to a state of unhealthiness. Of course I can't brood on that and let that stop me for the rest of my life........
I think it's a lovely balance of arrangement by God and attraction - it can happen in any order, you being drawn by a person because of their godliness or looks (or whatever else). With Isaac and Rebekah, though their marriage was certainly arranged, the text also states that Isaac loved and was comforted by Rebekah (these are some pretty intense and important feelings). If your spouse is not emotionally compatible with you, your marriage will not be as fulfilling - discussions about theology only go so far.
Ultimately, there is no formula. There's no way to fully conceptualize what it takes to experience the beauty of receiving another human's tangible and intangible love in the form of a romantic relationship.
God is the only source of true love, thus is the only one to provide it, and He will find a way to surprise the crap out of you.
i used to muse a lot about the idea of if someone was perfectly humble they could marry just about anyone.
i don't like that idea anymore. i think the type of love that leads to a marraige needs emotion, easy emotion. Not the type where you constantly depend on God to birth in you.
Marriage is so hard, even when it's easy. you 'fall in love' with someone, but they are still hard to stand a lot of the time.
so then why do arranged marraiges work out better than a lot of Western, self-seeking, like you as long as you can please me, rooted in enlightenment ideals of autonomy and not humility marriages? probly cause the latter doesn't cherish the idea of giving oneself for a greater purpose (humility, possibly 'chosen love')
i think all you guys are pretty good. i found ryan's almost flaky (yeh that's right) but at the same time i like that it captures the emotion.
yeah, it was flaky. like a cheep pastery. whatever. you know i am an emotional idiot. i don't undertand anyone's feelings, especially my own. i think love is complex becasue it has so many forms and the kind of love everyone is more or less looking for tends to happen only once in a lifetime. its hard to recognise something when you see it for the first time. if i ever find that kind of love i imagine i won't recognize it untill i am well inside it. anyway, good luck to all you star-crossed lovers. and i will leave you with a Bible quote:
Song of Songs 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.
heehee.... glad you posted this lyds! relationships are something i love to talk about and explore...... if i can ever formulate an opinion that is comprehensible, i will post it here. until then.... thanks for continuing to post these thought-provoking blogs! i look-forward to them. take care, dear girl!
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