Low on the Go!

paralyzed.


when i first came to university, i was paralyzed with fear. fear that i would fail. fear that people wouldn't like me. fear that i would be lonely. fear that i wasn't good enough.

throughout university, God has really grown me; going on OEX was a real marker in my life. i came back, and it was though i had been released from my fears. i had stepped out in faith, and in doing so, i found that because of Abba, i could walk on water.

i've said it before, but i'll say it again. i have found this year immensely hard. His voice has become so quiet, and in the din of life, i can hardly hear Him. quiet times have been shoddy, and i feel as though i'm floundering somewhere deep in the valley. at times, the sun has peaked through, giving me strength to cling tightly in the hope that He will deliver me from this valley of Achor.

somewhere in the midst of the valley, i started listening to lies. fears that had not plagued me for over two years resurfaced. i've tried to ignore these fears, but each day, they scream louder and louder in my ear.
i'm scared. scared of many things. scared that i'll make the wrong choices. scared that things i say could affect what i do. scared that i won't be able to handle the silence for much longer, and that i'll end up like my roommate, abandoning everything i once held dear. i'm scared that i haven't been an effective steward in university. scared that i have not multiplied. scared that i've ruined my chances of joining staff. i'm scared that i am a failure. scared that in my tiredness i will end up disappointing everyone and anyone. that i will end up disappointing Jesus.

these fears have plagued my life for the past 5 months.

i've felt ineffective. tired. apathetic. and i've reverted back to that first year girl who allowed fear to rule her life. a couple of days ago, i broke down and cried, and confessed my fears to some of my friends. it was the first time i'd come face to face with these fears since they'd begun.

as my friends were readying themselves for bed, i was up late, and i decided to check out a link that a friend of mine had sent me.

this is what i read that night. as i read it, i cried.

somehow, he has used what little i had for His glory. this makes me weep. i am a frail person who offers so little and yet He gives so much; He is infinitely capable of multiplying what little fish and bread i have.

i won't lie. these fears still plague me. i'm scared that in reading this, you might think me neurotic and emotional.

but i know that there will be a day when i'll be able to write that i am no longer fearful, for i know that perfect love casts out fear (1Jn 4:18). there will be much rejoicing, and i am excited that you too, dear blog readers, will be able to rejoice with me.