Low on the Go!

separating the wheat from the chaff by silence.

hopefully at the same time, discovering THE Precious Jewel.
***
8:35pm

the sun has set...it started setting around 5 today. WHAT IS THAT? Dark, depressing night. its hard to stay up late when it feels like late began early. and its a lot harder to stay up without coffee and without company. i learned this the last time i cut msn. i also learned that i had very few friends--but the friends i did have are quality. that i don't matter as much to people as they matter to me. yes, it sounds whiny. Hey, thats what a blog is for pal! its self-centered and whiny 75% of the time. if you're lucky its 20% thought provoking (at best)and 5% cow poop, if you know what i mean. Usually its the reverse of the two.

I digress. (yeah you should be used to it by now)

its funny, i sometimes poke fun at clingy people--most of the time not intentionally. Sarcasm comes before i can stop it, and then i feel guilty about not thinking before i speak. But as i sit here, i realize that maybe i too am not the confident, independent girl that i think i am (or that i aspire to be). i realize that maybe, that introvert in me has never really disappeared. nor has the doubt and the lack of confidence that accompanied my shyness. Spent the morning at church--kinda wandered around. i still despise small talk, and due to my own lack of participation at church outside of sundays and fridays, it seems that i have found a new name for the 7th day (or the 1st) of the week--'small-talk sundays'. So today, feeling kinda out of the loop (whats new...) i wandered around looking for people to talk to..but i didn't really have anything to say, and wanted to avoid the small talk. its the only time where i really feel vulnerable--like everyone can see me as a quiet girl who lacks confidence in herself. Everywhere else, especially on-campus ministry, people see me as the loud extrovert with chutzpah. if only they knew the energy it takes to maintain this...front?

i put that in question marks, because i myself am not sure. Despite being an introvert and desiring to get away from people, i feel lonely at times, as though i'm not at home. as though no one really cares to come into my life. but as i think about this more--i'm lonely a great deal because i miss Jesus. i fill up time that i should spend with him, with time spent with 'friends' who would never keep in touch with me if i didn't keep in touch with them; 'friends' who essentially don't give a rats ass about me. (haha, again whiny! don't complain, you were warned. AND as a CAVEAT, this is not applicable to close friendships--you know who you are..i hope..chances are, if you read this...since i know minimal amounts of people do, my complaints about fraudulent friendships do not apply to you).

So, in contemplating all of this, i realize that i should probably stop wasting my time on friendships that will never go anywhere, and stop needing those friendships to give me value. i should probably use this time to separate the wheat from the chaff, put time into SOLID friendships and most of all seek out THE Precious Jewel.

yes. yes indeed.