Low on the Go!

basket-case.

went with Maria to a mac's party yesterday, it was good to get my mind off of things, and a nice chat with her at her house after that about boys and all things nice... but after that was all done, my mind went back to everything i'd been trying to forget.

it hit me last night as i was talking to Maria--if i quit doing ministry on campus, or if i decided not to go into full-time ministry after i graduate, i'd be completely and utterly alone. The vast majority of my friendships are with others who are also in ministry--much of the time, all we talk about is theology and ministry, and so the friendship rests on the fine line of ministry. "how is cru on your campus going?" "how can we improve this and this?"

my life has so completely revolved around ministry that i've lost contact with the majority of solid Christian friends i have who aren't in ministry. Friends that used to be dear to me.

and so i came to this conclusion...i would be almost completely and utterly alone if i gave up ministry. After i came to this conclusion i felt so lonely-- knowing that i have few true friends who know me beyond what i do in ministry. i felt disgusted by myself, knowing that because i've made ministry an idol in my life, i've cut myself off from good and solid friendships. i've made ministry into my identity--who REALLY knows me and loves me for who i am instead of what i do? not very many people...i sound like some business man in his 40s who has reached a mid-life crisis after realizing that he's been a workaholic for a large portion of my life. the only difference is that i'm not a man, i'm not 40 years old and i'm not in business. this makes it a bit scary. if i'm burnt out at 19, how am i going to make it 60 more years?
not only that, my anger at God is separating me from experiencing the fullness of His goodness-- i suppose i should do something about that...because come the day when i'm utterly alone, i'd want to at least have the ONE who really matters. but even at church today, i just felt so tired and weak. i sat and watched and cried as people all around me were worshipping God...and cried some more when the choir i was supposed to be singing with went up to sing the song we've been practicing for the past 3 weeks. i just didn't have the strength to praise Him... especially when it would mean battling against the anger and resentment in my heart.
that was just too hard to do today.

anyways because today is a more of a lonely, ugly day i've changed into my most comfy sweats and i think i'll go sleep for a bit. a sunday afternoon nap is just what i need to take my mind off of things.