Low on the Go!

i can hardly remember it...

but there was a time when i loved doing ministry on campus, where i loved going out sharing and where i loved leading a DG..where i loved meeting up with people and where i loved talking to people about God. Not because these things were the right things to do, but because it was what made me happiest--being satisfied in Him and allowing the overflow of His love to completely saturate everything i did.

Somewhere along the way i lost that love. i hadn't really noticed the decline--i've been spending times with God and gleaning from the Word (although this past week has been rather hit and miss) until my discipler today pointed out that perhaps i have a problem (haha she didn't use those words).
i attributed my incessant irritability (i've gotten angry at (or while talking to) almost every single person i've talked to this week), my incessant fatigue (i go to sleep waking up more tired than i am when i go to bed), my anger at God, my negativity and my desire to simply crawl up and sleep to being busy with school and something normal i suppose. After all, i thought to myself, isn't it natural to feel this way? the thought process in my head went something like this, "if you had to work with the idiots i have to work with, if you were doing 15 hours of ministry and 40 hours of school, if you were on a vapid hole of a campus filled with anal retentive people, you'd be bitter and upset too."

For a long while (ever since October-ish) i've felt angry and puzzled by God--feeling as though He has been stringing me along and playing games with me. "Oh you're only praying for 20 people to come out to the debate? i'll show you what I can do. i'll raise up 350 people to come out to the debate" And yet, when we pray for big things to happen, the result is that nothing really happens. I've felt SO angry that He put a passion and a vision in my heart, but that there just aren't the labourers to help transform these dreams into reality. What a cruel joke, or at least its seemed like that; it seemed like some sort of ploy to render me humble and string me like a puppet. There's SO many things i want to get done, but just not enough time--i've been staying up later and later trying to accomplish things..but accomplishing nothing. I go to bed tired and wake up more tired than when i went to bed in the first place...and whenever people ask me for help, i WANT to help them, but at the same time, i become irritated when they ask for help because it means more work.

People it seems, don't get it. I've been frustrated by the 'Biblical answers' that people have given me. In fact, just this morning, before meeting with Janette, i was telling my friend a mac that sometimes Christianity seems like a cop out--to quote myself:

i see why non christians see christianity as a crutch and for people in denial. i mean, when things go really well, we praise God and say that God really brought amazing things to pass. when things are crappy, we say, Oh it just wasn't God's time, He'll work when He wants to ...seems like a cop out at times...

its not as though i actually believe this--i've seen too much...tasted too much for God not to be real..but i've just been so frustrated, sometimes it seems so relieving to be rebellious and be angry. Perhaps in a sense, i've wanted to hurt God like i feel He's been hurting me (even though in my HEAD i know that His plans for us are to prosper us, not to harm us).

Of course, i figured come reading week, i'd have a nice time to relax, and everything would become better... surely i didn't have a problem--it was everyone else who were idiots, not me.

So when Janette asked me if i was worried today, i mumbled something about just needing this reading week to get away from everything... not wanting to admit that perhaps my problem is deeper than i thought. She told me that she's worried about me..that my 'blow up' blog the other day didn't sound like something i would usually say.

And its true...i used to love having spiritual conversations with friends-- i just finished talking to one of my friends on Skype (haha, the nerdiest thing ever)...and i was a bit relieved when my internet cut out..because i was super tired of talking about God. i'm just so tired of everything...what i'd really like to do is curl up in a ball and just sleep everything away. i actually did that after lunch today...i lay in my bed, in my mess of a room..and cried and slept until around 6:00...when i felt as though i should get up, because i refuse to be a depressive person with problems.

but obviously i do have problems. SO, i decided to open the book Janette gave me to read entitled "Burnout"...and it scared me, because almost everything it discusses is entirely applicable to my life (i didn't actually believe her when she told me that she flipped through it and realized i fit the criteria the author discusses)...i've been gritting my teeth hoping things will get better, but obviously they haven't, if i'm at the point where any discussion about ministry or God makes me feel fatigued and depressed.

The book talks about this one man, Wayne Gardner..here's a little excerpt:

One of the greatest tragedies of burnout is that it strikes our most productive people. Because burnout tends to strike high-achievement, goal-oriented people, not only is the personal loss great, but the loss to organizations and businesses can be devastating. For example, Wayne Gardner had been the pastor of Hillside Community Church for 16 years.... When Wayne became pastor at Hillside, the average attendance for the Sunday morning worship service was about 50 people. Wayne had a real heart for people, and he also had the rare combination of gifts of being both an excellent pastor-teacher and a fine administrator.
The church began to grow under Wayne's leadership, and within 3 years they were in their first building program. During the next 10 years the church started a school and went through 2 more building programs. The church started a local radio ministry and then a television ministry. in addition to his other gifts, Wayne was an excellent counselor, and his services were in great demand in the community.

However, as the church continued to grow, so did Wayne's responsibilities. His desire to serve people made it difficult to say no to any need. As a result he slowly overextended himself. The demands people made on his time began to cut into the time he usually set aside for study and sermon preparation. He began spending more and more late-night hours in his study at home trying to get caught up.

Slowly Wayne became both emotionally and physically exhausted, but his commitment to the ministry and the high standard of excellence he demanded from himself caused him to work even harder to stay on top of his duties and fulfill what he considered to be his God-given obligations to the people of the church and local community. Unfortunately this only added to Wayne's frustration and fatigue. One day he realized he was starting to resent it when people asked for counselling appointments. In fact, he resented every "interruption."

He began to feel guilty for his negative feelings toward people and became even more frustrated with his work and himself. Finally he started questioning whether he was fit to be a pastor. Eventually he decided to leave the ministry. The church board was shocked when Wayne turned in his resignation.

After Wayne left, the church no longer had the benefit of his strong leadership and people began to leave the church. Eventually the church had to eliminate many of the programs and activities that had allowed it to have an effective outreach in the community. (from Myron Rush's book entitled "Burnout")

After reading this i sobbed..in some sense..I'M WAYNE! Granted, i do not have his leadership skills and i definitely have not seen transformation of those sorts at U of T...but as i read it, i completely understood why he would decide to resign... he just wanted to get away from it all.

i'm scared i'll become like this Wayne Gardner character.

i'm just...

so tired.