Low on the Go!

every so often, i take some time out of my life to evaluate myself and i am finding that today is a particularly good day to do so. i've been meaning to for awhile, but haven't felt up to it--evaluating oneself and being truly honest (or attempting to be) is rather daunting, because eventually you know that you'll find the ugly things hidden in the corners of the heart. This, for me, is like a round of spring cleaning..old treasures are found, but many many cobwebs and dustballs are found, making it rather embarassing that you live in a house of dirt. Of course, by the end of the cleaning, meaningless or poisonous things can be discarded, broken things can be mended, and old treasures can be put back on the mantlepiece. Thus begins the spring cleaning of my heart.

i have a dog. a pug to be exact. my pug loves to eat. in fact, most, if not all pugs i know love to eat. my pug,if we let her, would gobble up her food in less than 10 seconds... and often whines because she wants more. when we aren't looking, she'll sneak over to our other dog's food dish and eat his food as well. my dog will eat...and eat....and eat, without restraint until she gets sick. i'd be willing to wager that she'd even try eating her vomit AFTER being sick--thats how much she loves to eat, and thats also a testament to how well she knows her limits (which is...not at all).

Admittedly, like calls to like, deep to deep, and i am not unlike my dog. Self-control is difficult for me, namely because i don't know my limits. This of course isn't in relation to food (the days of the supernatural ability to eat 19 cheeseburgers or 40 nuggets are but a distant memory) but is rather a reference to my inability to distinguish my limits in the things that i do. its rather prideful to say that i often think of myself as superwoman--perhaps not consciously, but unconsciously so. the thought process in the mind of lydia low often goes like so: "if the average person can do x-amount of hours, then i should be able to do at least twice that, because i am not your average person." when no one steps up to do something, i will step up to the plate, because after all, "i can do more than you can!" This is, however, a verity..it is based on fact and truth, and is not just a wistful idea--i CAN do more than most people. i have a higher capacity to perform different tasks. when i take on a task, i not only do it, but i am determined to do it well. This in itself, i don't think is a bad characteristic. The problem is, that i don't realize i've taken on too much until i've reached the breaking point. to put it succinctly, i don't realize i've taken on too much until i vomit. And EVEN after i've vomitted, i'm still willing to eat my own vomit. while i often admire people in ministry and outside of ministry who are able to say "no, i just can't do this, if i do, i'll struggle to find the time to do it well." i also scoff at them (without even realizing it) and think to myself "its just ONE extra thing, how hard can it possibly be?" As a result, i set up impossible standards for others to meet, and difficult standards for myself to reach.

Time, in Lydia's world doesn't slow down. If anything, it only speeds up as more and more things get piled on to the plate. Of course, lately God has forced me to rest--physically for the past couple of weeks, i haven't been feeling up to par (haha, as evidenced by my coughing up blood) and its as though God said, "okay Lydia, if you won't slow down..i will FORCE you to slow down." But when i do slow down, i find that i'm constantly thinking about what i will do come the day i am no longer invalid. i don't feel worthy or productive unless i am doing something. This is, of course, my go-getter attitude speaking. when there exists a lack of things to do, i feel as though i'm twiddling my thumbs and i think to myself, "what am i doing resting? There are things that could be done!"
So, it has been established. i am a prideful person. i am well acquainted with the Word, and what it says about toiling in vain. Alas, i struggle to put this head knowledge into practice.

often seen as an extrovert, i realize more and more that i am really no real extrovert--in fact, the people i love spending time with most are people who can talk my ear off, a la Sara Whitfield. i love being able to listen to people and remain silent. i find that people often make me tired, and i need great lengths of alone time to recuperate. At the same time, i love people. sometimes, i find myself striving to be a popular person--the need for acceptance and love is a weakness of mine. The funny thing is, i'm not really a popular person--i never have been. And i don't like to conform to others--even though i end up doing so anyways. A claim-to-be non-conformist who actually conforms is what i once called my friend Josh. Turns out, i am that way too. no escaping it.

i find it difficult at times to get the words i want to say out of my mouth. things i am most passionate about, words of genuine encouragement i want to give to people often remain in my mouth. i am a fraudulent encourager--what do i mean by that? encouragement is pretty easy for me to dish out..but when its something that really has struck me about someone and when its beauty knocks the air out of my lungs, i find it extremely difficult to tell the person that what they've done is beautiful. instead, whenever it TRULY matters, the encouragement stays hidden. i don't say anything.

i am a emotional while concurrently a non-emotional person. i don't have difficulty crying. in fact, i cry all the time. but just like i have difficulty giving encouragement when i REALLY desire to, i have difficulty expressing the things i want to say that are really important to me. often times there are people i admire, people i love for taking the time to challenge me and care for me, but i have difficulty telling them a simple thank-you. the words "i love you" are difficult words for me to voice when i desperately want to voice them. maybe because i'm afraid of seeming sappy. or maybe its because its just so un-chinese. i'm not sure.

i cover up what i really feel with a beaming smile and a go-getter attitude, and so when i'm with a huge group of people, i can seem like that extrovert..but really, i'm just using anything i can to diverge the attention off of my real problems or feelings.

despite all of this crazy behaviour, despite giving up ownership of my life being a hard thing, the life i live is a good one, because the inadequacies i do have are taken care of by the resurrected Jesus who lives in me. While i often forget this, and attempt to live life on my own strength, the crowning glory of my mantlepiece is Jesus Christ, who has time and time again forgiven me for my shortcomings, and has graciously provided me with people who love me, despite my prickliness and depressive nature. alone, i truly am nothing. a hollow, empty shell. i often lack faith and the trajectory of my prayers is quite small. but this God i serve knows all these things and is still willing to work in my life regardless. thats a pretty sweet deal.