Low on the Go!

on decisions and gleanings.
a brief intermission from the Chinese/Identity series...

Okay, i know that thus far, it seems as though all i have done is complain about being Chinese. Don't worry, i have much more to say, and it isn't full of complaints and grumbles. Je te jure, it'll all make sense in the end.
For now, though, i would like to interject with something off topic.

A couple of posts ago, i alluded to the fact that i have decided to join staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Some of y'all might be a bit confused, since in January, i blogged that i had been accepted on staff. The natural assumption would have been that i would be joining staff. That's the way it usually works-- the majority of thinking and deciding happens before taking the leap of faith.

However, for myself, i seemed to have taken the leap of faith and was then left wondering why the heck i took the leap of faith in the first place. Does that make sense at all? After being accepted, i started to have many doubts about joining staff. I wasn't "feeling" it anymore; i felt as though i hadn't prayed about it enough (even though i have been praying about it for three years now); other options seemed really appealing. Suddenly, going to seminary or a one year Bible school sounded great. But so did being bohemian, backpacking across Europe and doing nothing for one whole year. Things that bothered me about Campus Crusade were suddenly magnified, and i really felt bitterness seeping into my heart. At the same time all of this was going on, i started becoming fearful of many things. I've never been scared to pull out my Bible in class; all of a sudden, i was fearful that if i pulled out my Bible to read during a break, people in class would think i was a right-wing, conservative, homophobic Bible-thumper. Gosh, where does a thought like that even come from? I was suddenly tremendously fearful of joining staff, disappointing people, disappointing God, being rejected and being lonely. Satan was feeding me all of these lies, and i was willingly eating from his hand! These were not good things, and in combination with the depression i have been feeling all year, suddenly, doing anything for God seemed futile and mundane. When i thought about what i would do next year, i cringed at the thought of doing ministry.

I am SO grateful that God's grace covers everything, and that even during this time of, what i would say could only be spiritual warfare, His Sovereign hand was there to support me and guide me. I won't go into details, but late last week, i made an intentional decision to not rely upon my feelings to make this decision. This is not to say that one should not listen to their emotions, but my feelings, as of late, have been flighty and flaky (i.e. wanting to become bohemian and hippy...yikes).

I have decided to continue on with my decision to join staff.

It is true, there are some things that i don't necessarily agree with concerning the organization. I am a critical thinker, and often cynical. There are other things that i know i will eventually want to dedicate a portion of my life to, such as overseas missions and church planting in francophone countries. But for now, despite these things, there are some things i am VERY sure of.

i love Jesus.
i love His Children.
God radically changed my life while i was in university.
God used Campus Crusade as a tool to radically change my life.
He has radically changed the lives of other university students.
i want to be used by Him to impact the university campus and thereby impact the world.
He loves the 85% of students who turn away from Jesus and deny His existence each year while in university.
He will continue to love me, regardless of what i end up doing.
His grace covers a multitude of sins.

It is amazing to know that the God we serve is our glorious Boaz, as Spurgeon once put it. He sees us, dirty and whorish Moabites. We are unclean, homeless, beggers of mercy, needy; we are sinners. And yet, though we do not deserve it, He extends His hand of grace and mercy, offers us food, offers us protection and offers us love.

Glorious Boaz, indeed.