Low on the Go!

Today was the first day, in a little over a week that I hung out with anyone remotely close to my age. I studied with a friend (studied!!! on the long weekend!!! That's how desperate I was for human company), then met up with another friend and her parents, and then met up with the former friend for dinner and a movie.

It was so nice.

I can't describe how lonely my heart has felt this past week. I know that to most, it seems trivial. After all, I have only been back one week. But to me, it is no small thing. I feel like I have been separated from home and everyone I love.

As I got into the car tonight, the drive home was not just a drive home. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. Tomorrow stretches ahead of me; I do not know what church I will go to. I do not know anyone, really. I know church isn't necessarily about people, but about meeting with God, but last week, I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought about my church in Toronto. There are a few people, once friends, but it's been four years..I don't even know where to begin. I don't want to go to a foreign church and cry in front of people I do not know. I don't have that vulnerability in me. I don't want to make new friends; I don't have the energy it requires to make the small talk that necessarily precedes friendship. With my parents out of town, what will I do tomorrow? It'll be a day of seeing absolutely no one.

So, as I closed the door, freshly dropped off, my ride pulling out of the driveway, I locked it and stood against it and bawled. Is this what it will be like for the rest of my time in Edmonton? Will it be weeks, maybe months, between times when I meet up with the people I really love?

Is this what it'll be like in Montreal, where I know few people as well?

I don't know if i can do it.

My nose is all snotty and clogged up from crying. I am a wimp. I am going to go blow it and then I am going to try to be grateful that for at least one day, during this time in Edmonton, I was able to fellowship with dear friends.