vendredi, novembre 14, 2008

i don't know what kind of girl i am.

i don't know what has been going on with me lately. Two weeks ago, at a counselling session, i had this huge breakthrough. It was as though i really understood grace for the first time. It was a depth of understanding that i have never had, though i'd say i know the Bible fairly well. It was beautiful, and though my life is in winter mode right now, with everything dead around me, i felt as though the sun was about to burst open around the corner. It was a 'guilt and shame, be gone!' moment.

In these past two weeks, i have been learning so much about grace. Each time i hear the gospel, it's as though i have a deeper understanding of what it means. My days aren't filled with regret as much. There is this weird feeling of freedom that i've been experiencing. Instead of barrenness around me, i see green shoots coming up. As we head into a physical winter, i see signs of snow melting around my heart.

At the same time, ever since that breakthrough Tuesday, i have been having trouble sleeping. In the hours before bed, i become really grumpy and lonely. It's becoming easier and easier to push people that offer grace away. And when i wake up in the morning, i feel the hugest sense of guilt. It's a heavy and shame-laden guilt, and i don't know where it comes from. i wake up tired, and all i want to do is sleep. It has become increasingly hard to wake myself up from slumber this week, because i know that when i wake up to face my day, i will have to wrestle to put aside the shame and cling to the cross.

Today was a very warm day outside. i walked around outside alone for awhile. i felt Him say to me, "When you were four years old, I called you to great things. I called you to be a missionary and serve Me. I am still calling you to great things, but you need to put on the full armor and fight this. There is oppression in your life, and I want to free you from this. I've already done all the heavy lifting through the cross. You were freed the moment you accepted me. Fight, i am here fighting with you."

The guilt of who i am is so intense. i can't seem to escape this depression, but where sin increases, grace abounds all the more.

in the shadow of your cross, i will stay.

1 commentaires:

paulman a dit...

I'll remember to keep praying for you. In fact, the Bible reminds me to:

Gal 6:2 - "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (ESV)

Eph 6:18b - "To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints," (ESV)