mercredi, juillet 08, 2009

on goodness.

You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...

But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.

So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.

Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."

...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?

Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.

My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.



8 commentaires:

afro-chick a dit...

blast.
this post made my heart thunk-a-thunk.

i heart heart heart you mui.
samiam. i'm starting to like you more'n'more.

oh...Jesus you ARE like the CAPATAIN of Good!! we <3 you.

lowonthego a dit...

ab*nness!!! i misssss youuu

Jess Versteeg a dit...

oh my goodness lydia... so many times i read your blog and it sounds like ME. Not that i cry over Sam..... more the part at the beginning about being a sociopath who doesn't usually miss people bc of being so independent.

I have to admit, though. I like the mushy Lydia a lot!!

Sid S. a dit...

maybe if i met the mushy lydia, things would've been different between us. hahaha. i kid. (you're still not blonde and blue.) hahaha.

i congree, i like the mushy lydia. like a lot.

Anonyme a dit...

Perhaps bawling doesn't make one mushy. And perhaps it doesn't mean that you're not trust God, either.

Doesn't it simply mean that you're feeling really sad at that moment? Or scared? Which is pretty human.

P.S. Wow, raised to be that independent?! I think I was raised to be the opposite of you, then - completely dependent as much as possible. I think I had a total of 1 sleepover at a friend's house growing up. Or zero. I'm not joking :P

afro-chick a dit...

i'm a dork.
the 2 of you are totally spelling out LOVE.

Unknown a dit...

abano, you are soo right!
lyds can i just say how much your cuteness and happiness makes my heart swell!

It's My DLu! a dit...

hey lyds! good post.

it's probably a good thing. if you were to ever get married, being 'independent' doesn't play a part in the picture (ex: 2 become 1 flesh). it's more than just a physical thing.

i think sometimes we use independence as an excuse to not emotionally invest in relationships, and use it as a defence mechanism from getting hurt. not saying you were doing that, but just an observation i've made before.

hope i get to meet sam one day!