another reason why i like s.f. (he told me to title this blog: why other girls lost out.)

Today, s.f. spent 5 hours on the phone with my cell phone provider for me.

5 hours !

i spent 5 minutes on the phone with the customer relations guy near the end of s.f.'s 5 hours, and i thought i would punch said customer relations guy through the phone.

The story is far too long to tell, but it involves countless hours on the phone with said company. i'd estimate (including today's phone call) it involves at least 8-9 hours of calls. Shelly calls it a saga. i'd say..it is an EPIC saga. They sold me a plan that wouldn't work unless i purchased data. Why would you sell a customer a plan if they can't even use it unless they spend MORE money?

SCAMS.

But, of course, s.f. is more of a rockstar than those scammers. He managed to get me an amazing deal!! A steal of a deal! A deal that is even better than his plan! So, my plan went from being almost $100/month without data, to....

250 day time minutes
unltd eve (starting at 8) & weekends
unltd incoming calls, unltd texts + MMS
call display, who called
visual voicemail
500MB data

all for $42.

Oh, and they gave me $150 in credit too.

***
S.F. is such a great and caring rockstar. AND he is like kevin spacey in 'the negotiator'.

i think i like him.

littlest things.

i took the past weekend to recharge and visit my former housemate from university in New York. We went to a craft fair i've wanted to visit for the past two years, hung out, talked about spiritual things. The weather was warm, and i think my heart was warmed a bit too.

Some people might laugh when i say this, but i really do think that the spiritual darkness that exists here in Quebec impacts the depression and consequent spiritual depression that i face on a cyclical basis. i've struggled with depression for much of my life, but it has never been as hard to endure as it has been here in Montreal.

So whenever i leave Monts for a little bit, i always come back feeling recharged and just a little bit more hopeful. This weekend was really good in particular for me. i was reminded of my love of sharing the gospel, reminded of my love of art and music and food. Little things that would seem so ordinary most of the time really warmed my heart.

It might also sound funny, but my creativity, i find is also often very linked with how i am doing spiritually. Somehow, i know that when i take a good picture, it isn't because of me. When i draw, it isn't from me. For the past while, lydia + the arts= mediocre at best. But the trip to New York has set me on an upswing, i feel. Since December, i haven't really pulled out my camera apart from a few shots at Martha's Vineyard. Today, i have an inkling to pull out film and have some fun. Music has come alive to me. When i play my violin, i feel like it's that extra part of my soul that i've been missing out on.

Oh, and i've been sewing too! My friend in NY taught me how to use a sewing machine, and off i went! So far, it's just a purse and a handmade doll (okay, so the doll is super ugly, but give me grace...i've never sewed a doll before!)

Small things. Little things, ya know? Probably the littlest things to most. But one small step at a time.

blessings.

. going to a craft fair i've wanted to go to for the past 2 years
. seeing old friends
. eating cupcakes from magnolia bakery
. sewing a purse (pictures to come, once i'm done the lining ^_^)
. muji 0.38 refillable pens with a gel grip
. finally purchasing the blackbird, fly TLR
. having s.f. come welcome me home at the airport (i've decided to call special friend, s.f.)
. trying out mango green tea lemonade from starbucks
. sitting and listening to music whilst chatting with Jesus.
. getting fabric to sew a plushie for the first time
. being offered a free sewing machine from a friend after twittering about it

my life is chock full of blessings. i don't always remember this, but i especially feel it today.

. mcdonalds filet-o-fishes when i'm sad
. bubble tea when i'm mad
. a clean desk makes me glad
. hours upon hours with rogers, yielding a way better phone plan, saving me scads

swoon.

on wilderness.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. Many days, in the past few years, i've been feeling like i've been out in the wilderness, wandering, lost. i came to Montreal, a confident person with lots of friends and a desire to see change happen. i thought in moving here, i was moving towards reaching the city: thought i would make many friends, thought i would see people come to Christ, thought i would grow in my walk with God and love Him even more than ever.
But instead, in moving here, i feel like i've become broken here. That instead of moving towards the city, i've headed towards the wilderness, and for awhile, despite some open patches with sunny skies, i've mostly been lost and wandering around.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

So often, i've read this passage and thought to myself, "Wow, what a beautiful passage. Oh, how i would love to be allured into the wilderness." But as i think about it more, the wilderness is actually a scary place. It's a place largely void of people. And one has to question, are the people there people you can trust, or are they hunters, ready to devour their prey? It's a solitary place, alienated from the rest of the world.
The wilderness i have been in has been a really scary place. At first, i gave everyone my heart, just desperately wanting companionship on my journey in the wilderness. But having lately found it returning bruised and hurting, i am more wary. And weary. i have a hard time giving my heart away. Hunters you see.
And then came the loneliness. The overpowering loneliness.

Most lately, fear has come. Fear of making friends and fear of keeping them. i enter into situations with my hackles raised, my teeth ready to be bared and ready to claw my way out of things. i try to isolate myself before i am isolated, because it feels so much better to have said "i don't need you," than to be told, "We don't want you." There's a fear of stepping out in faith, because this wilderness is cold and dark, and there's no way to tell what could be next.

How is this wilderness good, i've asked. And He has said it is good, because He has brought me here, so that i will only trust in Him and be with Him alone. It is good, because the wilderness is the only place where the din of downtown, the chaos of the city exists not. You see, He wants to speak tenderly with me. But He does not shout to be heard. He whispers quietly, ever so quietly, like One who feeds deer in the forest. Were He to approach and shout, He would just startle the creature, the deer's neck would twitch upward and there would be a gaze full of fear. Instead, He whispers quietly, and holds His hand out, so that the deer, panting for water, will come to Him, ever so cautiously. He waits and continues to whisper, until the deer feels His breath upon her neck. Water has arrived for the deer as she has longeth for it.

And maybe that is why the wilderness is good. It is good because He has brought me here. But before i can enjoy the wilderness, all the Baals in my mouth must be relinquished. And so the wilderness forces me to let go of my lovers, and forget my fears. And like the deer, before He can quench my thirst, i have to be still, and feel His breath upon my neck, and listen to His silent whispers, instead of the shouts of condemnation and fear. They will be whispers telling me that i am His and He is mine. Whispers telling me that He loves me and has made me His.

And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.
And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD.~ Hosea 2:18-21a

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35

redemption.

Today, i did something so completely horrible, something wretched and vile.
i didn't know i could fall so far.

Though i still await the consequences of what i have done, today, i also saw the complete sweetness of His forgiveness and mercy.

Then, at 2am today, God used this horrible and vile act, and moreso, the accompanying gleanings i learned to be of use in His Kingdom.

Somehow, that is really beautiful to me. i guess that is what redemption is. Taking an ugly, stained sinner, and transforming them into something much better.

Though i don't know what will happen tomorrow, what the earthly consequences will be, i am so astounded by grace. i guess it's by that grace that i will live tomorrow.

Equally Skilled ~ Jon Foreman

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of our hands, Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of their hands, Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
are equally skilled at ruining evil
equally skilled at judging the judges
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
are equally skilled at showing me mercy
Equally skilled at loving the loveless
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands, Both of His hands


maybe Micah 7 says it better...

Micah 7

Woe is me! For I have become as when the summer fruit has been gathered,
as when the grapes have been gleaned;
there is no cluster to eat,
no first-ripe fig that my soul desires.
The godly has perished from the earth,
and there is no one upright among mankind;
they all lie in wait for blood,
and each hunts the other with a net.
their hands are on what is evil, to do it well;
the prince and the judge ask for a bribe,
and the great man utters the evil desire of his soul;
thus they weave it together.
The best of them is like a brier
the most upright of them a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen, of your punishment, has come;
now their confusion is at hand.
Put no trust in a neighbor;
have no confidence in a friend;
guard the doors of your mouth
from her who lies in your arms;
for the son treats the father with contempt,
the daughter rises up against her mother,
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my case
and executes judgement for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

i love it when life is caught with just the right morning light.

blank canvas.

It seems to me that if i have loads of free time to spare, i should be able to spend more time doing all the things i love, like writing, reading, shooting (pictures not guns), and crafting and playing music.
But the phenomenon seems to be that when there is a blank canvas of time, i become a slothful monster who ambles out of the cave only to find food and retires right after to meet Sleep.

Isn't this the way things often are? We long for summertime, but then summertime comes and is wasted away in the blink of an eye. We long for boyfriends or marriage or kids, but before we know it, life has passed by, and the only wish that seems to be left is to travel back to the past and relive it, because we missed out on it while we were waiting for the future to come.

i was thinking about this recently, but it seems to me that we spend a lot of time living in the future. Hoping for things to come. Bargaining with Future for things to be different tomorrow. The thing is, we can't really live in two places at once, and so if we live in the future, we can't really live in the present. And maybe thats why, once we're in the future, we live in the past, mulling over those failed times, sharing the past with Regret.

i know this is a simple little moral that we've all heard before, and perhaps Jim Elliot summed it up the best when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Today, i was sitting with my director, and he said something that struck me. It went something to the effect of: "The more of a leader you become, the more you have to create your own vision instead of relying on someone else to give/cast you that vision." Often, i wait for life to give me vision. Wait for tomorrow to come to propel me forward. But maybe, with a blank canvas, sometimes you just have to sit down and be in the present and see the way things are, and the way you hope they'll be in the future, the way you know they'll be in the distant future, and then make your way, day by day, living in the present moment, rejoicing in today and being all here, because the way we live today, whether it be with apathy or passion, will influence the way tomorrow plays out.

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

mundane.

These days, everything just feels so mundane. Life, spirituality, work, fun, friends. All mundane. And even the mundane is becoming mundane.

i feel lost. Like there ought to be something more. There is something more. i just don't know how to get there. There are days, like today, when i play music, i catch a glimpse of that moreness. But even that is fleeting.

Then i sit down and feel empty. i think to myself, He said life wouldn't be empty. That life wouldn't be meaningless. But it feels empty and meaningless. Boring and mundane. Then i wonder if i have Him. Maybe i just think i do but i don't. And then i think to myself that these are lies i am listening to. And i vow to keep silent, because what kind of missionary thinks these thoughts?

But the silence becomes deafening, and i wish i knew. Wish i knew where He's gone, even though i know He's right here. Wish i knew how to face this sickness that seems to overcome me each time i think i am out of its grasp. Wish it was in the sad times that i would be sad, instead of just the mundane that would make me sad.

Many days, i wish a lot of things, know a lot of things, but i also desire to feel a lot of things while at the same time, feeling whole lot less.

all in a days' work.

Martha's Vineyard in the morning, Boston midmorning and afternoon, Toronto at night!

i guess that's just the life of a superhero !

ingredients of a great day.

sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush

on insecurity.

Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.

It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."

And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.

Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.

But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).

things i will do in toronto and MV/boston.

. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too

. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?

on mornings like today, i realize that spiraling back into depression is a very real possibility, and that scares me.

so i think i will go out and enjoy the sun !

my friend Sara.

A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.

But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.

It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.

Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.

But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.

Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.

i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16

"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b

a man after my own heart...

i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.

i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.

He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"

"yes," i reply solemnly.

He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.

i tell him i don't like the font.

Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"

Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.

i can already see that this man understands my heart.

He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.

We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.

what a man!

on talking about the unknown.

Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.

And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.

All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.

i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.

Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.

But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.

i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.

i knew when i decided to go into full-time ministry, things would be hard. i never thought Christian friends would avoid me because of my occupation though.

OH MY FRIGGING GOODNESS..


THE LATEST CHUCK EPISODE WAS AMAZING......IT WAS BLOG WORTHY..THAT'S HOW GOOD IT WAS.

WHA WHA WHAT!!!

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace...

i don't know when i became so insecure.

nothing like change to bring out the carnal nature...

i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.

The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?

And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?

When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.

i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.

Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.

Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.

things i am looking forward to...

. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.

Isaiah 35:1



sometimes i look at the ground and things are dry and life is sparse.
and then i look up at the sky, and i know that even in the desert times, He is as majestic as ever.

on sin and the sinner.

The thing about growing up in a Christian home is that all too often it is easy to become blasé about the sinful nature. At least, i know for me it is. It's as though intellectually i know i am a sinner, not just prone to sinful acts, but on the heart level, my sinful nature rarely leaves me feeling ashamed or convicted.

It's remarkably easy to brush off sin, or to know there is sin in my life and work on it, but not passionately desire to be rid of said sin. When you grow up learning about the law/rules/morality in Sunday School, it's so facile to believe that you are a good person. Mmm a little sin there? Oh that's okay, just work on getting rid of it slowly.

The problem is, the Bible does not treat sin this lightly. It does not regard sin as a deviant fixture in our lives that can be fixed like a painting on the wall. It's not the painting that is crooked, it's our hearts; it's the morphology of our DNA that is crooked and in shambles, just like a rotting house, crumbling to bits.

"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and^W)"> the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

This is what Paul says in Romans about the condition of the human heart. i am not good. And it is a lie to believe that i could be anything otherwise by my own morality and good "christian conscience."

Today, for the first time in a long time, i realized just how sinful i am. i saw how destructive my sin nature is, and how dangerous it is to not pay heed to the severity of this nature.

Morality is not a substitute for God.

Sometimes, i trust the persuasion that says, "i am a good person, i would never do that," when there is no doubt, sans God restraining me (with or without my knowledge), i would probably be a whoring, perfidious kleptomaniac (have i ever said that sometimes i have a strong desire to pickpocket, just for the sake of the thrill?)* with a really bad emo haircut.

As i saw my sin, i was broken. Shamefaced. i saw how my sin had repercussions that were too large to hide, too deeply etched in to buff out, too severe to ignore, and i cried out saying, "i don't know how to change."

You see, once you come face to face with the idea that sin is serious and grave, you realize that it isn't the law that can save you. It doesn't matter how many rules you put into place, how moral of a person you are. Romans 3:28 says, "For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."

As i realized this, i was led to Isaiah 54:

Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.

And then i knew that though the morphology of my DNA is crooked, through Redemption, i have been given new life, new DNA. i knew that the only One who can cause change in my heart, the only one who has made me righteous is Jesus Christ (cf. Romans 3:22), and the only way fruit has been produced in my life has been through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He is the new DNA, that knowing this, the simple Gospel truth, is so much more freeing than living according to my morality or to the standard of "Christian" that was set out for me, so many years ago when i was in sunday school, being taught about how to be a good person.

*to clarify, i don't actually act on this desire! not out of my "goodness", but mostly because i am too much of a pansy to put myself in precarious positions, and also because i am no matt damon in oceans 11. butterfingers. oh yeah, and i believe in Jesus, and i don't think mr. Jesus would want me to do such a thing. So because i love him, i won't. don't you worry your little heart.

on cell phones and buses.

i get to the airport last evening, and in big block letters: "JL 710 flight is CANCELLED."

My cousin, who brought me to the airport asks, "Is that your flight?" and i wave my hand dismissively, saying, "Nah, that's not my flight..." until i looked at my eticket, and realized it was indeed my flight.

So eventually, i hop on a different flight and make it to Japan. In Japan, i have to take a bus to terminal 2, so i head towards that area, and see people lounging around. When does the bus come, i ask.

"In one hour," they reply.
"One hour??"

i sit down, and pull out my cell phone, and apparently, cell phones don't get service here; at least not the cell phones that the rest of the globe uses, because Japan is too high tech for the rest of us.

i don't get it. Every other airport in the world has a bus or a train that shuttles between terminals at least every 15 minutes. This one has bus service every hour. !!! . So their bus service runs like it's the stone ages, but their cell phone service is so advanced that the majority of people from the 21st century can't even use the service.

hmm..

[update: so my flight might not run today...because of the plane crash. Which means i'll also miss my flight from NY to Monts. haha. We'll see what happens.]

interesting...

assumptions, assumptions.

It's funny when you get into a relationship, because all of a sudden, people assume things of you. They assume that you don't want to spend time with your single friends (and thus, your single friends seem to avoid you like the plague), they assume you want to talk about your relationship (another reason why the singles avoid you like the plague), when really, all you want to do is be the same person you once were and hang out the way you used to.

It's frustrating sometimes, because once you get into a relationship, people treat you as though you're a different person...and maybe in some ways, you are. Changes in life are bound to lead to some changes in character or in habits or schedules. But at the same time, i don't know. I'm still Lydia. For the love of martha! It's only been two weeks.

i still like hanging out with my single friends, i still like being alone and sipping tea and looking at the sun warm my window. i still like going on random adventures with random people, and i still like talking about theology and having debates and talking about very non-girly things.

i don't know, i enjoy this new relationship, but i don't feel as though i need to talk about it all the time, nor do i want to talk about it all the time. i just want to enjoy life, ALL of life, not just this one new part of my life. And i wish, just wish, people wouldn't make assumptions about what i want to talk about, what i want to do, how i want to spend my time, or who i want to spend my time with.

i wish people wouldn't let a relationship define me (except for my relationship with Jesus) when it's not how i define myself.

on tiredness and perseverance.

Life is busy these days, and i feel like i'm reaching that end-of-semester hump, where the finish line is in sight, but my muscles are screaming out bloody murder. Winter is still here, but i'm yearning for springtime.

What do you guys do to keep trudging along when the mid/end-of-semester hump comes your way?

²⁴Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ 1 Cor 9:24-27

reason #234304905 why i heart my best friend...

...because if i lose my phone, she'll call AND text someone she has never met, LONG distance, just to help me find it.

she is pretty much amazing, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

on being girly.

i think...i am not a very sentimental person. at least, not in the girly sense. how does one even work on this? hmmm....

^_^!!

on faith.

Romans 14:23b "whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."
1 Corinthians 2:5 "that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
2 Corinthians 5:7 "for we walk by faith, not by sight."

Sometimes, i wish there was a way to walk through life without the possibility of hurt. But maybe i don't believe enough in His Sovereignty and power. The life of faith we live isn't one of blind trusting, but is built upon a solid rock. And maybe i just need to trust that should the wind beat upon the beams of the house, should the rains fall and the floods come, there is an unshakable Foundation which will always be my strength and salvation.

on seeing him with eyes of faith.

You know, i'm a pretty independent person. i guess when you move away from home at 16 to the largest city in Canada, you quickly learn to become independent. Maybe a part of it is being an only child. Maybe another part of it is just my personality. Whatever the case, i'm often confident (maybe too confident at times) of my ability to sustain myself and to lead others.

Perhaps It is a pride thing; i don't like to ask for help. Other than my bookshelf, i can say that everything in my room was assembled by me and maybe a couple of other females. Sometimes, my feminist, sinful, independent-self tells me i don't need men....

...Especially not "non-solid" men. Sure, i submit myself to male leadership... but only if i trust that he is wise, mature, theologically sound, fantastic, great, (insert positive adjective here or read: john piper).

Fastforward to my present life. Being on staff provides me with amazing opportunities to work with older, wiser men who i would trust with my life. But being at the church i'm at is often harder. i lead a study of all guys (let's not go into the theological/doctrinal implications of this right now), who often times have trouble doing one quiet time a week, let alone follow servant leadership patterns described in 1 Timothy 3. And sometimes, the sinful, prideful me thinks to myself, "I'm better than these guys, why would i ever submit to their leadership?" instead of asking myself, "How can i, as a sister in Christ, help develop these guys so that they can become servant-leaders that i would not only be willing to follow, but delight in following?"

i don't see the guys in my life with eyes of faith for the men that God could make them.

Instead, i compare them with men who are 20, 30 years older. Why can't so and so be like John Piper? Why can't he communicate his thoughts like Driscoll or Keller? He doesn't measure up to my director...He doesn't...(fill in negative attribute here).
I forget that all these guys, all the men i look up to in my life have a good 10,20, 30 years of experience, cultivation and seasoning to have become the men that they are.

In January, i went snowboarding with a friend. It was his second time going, so i encouraged him, gave him tips and corrections. By the end of the night, he was pretty good. i could still beat him down the hill, but he wasn't too far behind.
The next time we went, he had drastically improved. In fact, that night, he started trying to learn how to ride switch, something i had rarely attempted before. And not only did he try to learn this new thing, he encouraged me to try learning it too. To my shame, by the end of that night, he was definitely better than me. But he had also made me into a better snowboarder by challenging me and urging me to travel to places i had never been before.

That night, i couldn't help but think to myself that my friend had taught me a really valuable lesson about having faith for the man he'll become. Initially, he wasn't in a place to lead me, but with encouragement from others and diligence, he has surpassed me in his ability and in his giftedness to lead.

This isn't just a snowboarding story that ends there. It's an analogy that extends to all females out there, to have faith in the men their brothers will become.
A year ago, i would have never thought that this friend would challenge me the way he does, or cause me to see and trust God in greater and deeper ways. But somehow, it has come to the place where he does both, and more. i trust him and would willingly submit to his leadership, because i see his constant desire to walk in step with God and his ever-growing ability to teach me new things.

The mark of a solid guy then, may not actually be that he is fully solid (i mean, who actually is fully 100% solid?), but that he is on a trajectory that is set to love God more and more each day.

And so, maybe my role, as i walk into the Bible study i have with all these guys, is not to lead these guys, or belittle them for not being the men they should be, but to spur these guys on to become men of God. To encourage them to take steps of leadership and humility, and to trust that as they learn to love God more, they will become men that i can trust and depend on. Godly, servant-hearted leaders who will spur me on to love God more.

on ro___tic, Singles' Awareness &/or Valentine's day.

You know, i just have to say...i love this day more and more each year! Were i in a relationship, i might not want to celebrate it (feels a bit cliché..kinda like diamond rings), but i love observing people celebrate it.

Today, in the metro, i saw tons of guys with roses and flowers and whatnot, and girls with flowers and oh, the romantic in me was just so happy to see people enjoying each other.

Much better, would be to see this year round, randomly...because i just love seeing the looks of happiness and love on the faces of people, who are usually so stoic and emotionless on the metro. But even if it's just one day a year...it makes me happy.

...Especially when the girls aren't carrying roses, but other kinds of cute flowers like peonies, yellow poppies, ranunculus (sp: ranunculi??)..

Below the cynical layers, exists a true romantic at heart.

on "the other man".

Josh: you should blog about your craving for brownies and icecream, and make the title "the other man." [As a follow up to the last post.]

Lydia: the blog is LOW on the go, friend, not HO on the go.

on love affairs.

Sometimes, the mark of a good love affair is that it starts off with hate. You just can't stand to be around him, can't stand to look at him, to go near him. Then comes the day when he consumes all of your thoughts. Oh, the nerve of him to just come barging in! He already makes your life a living hell, showing up whenever he's not wanted. But to barge in on your thoughts too! And at first, you play it off as hate, but the more you think about him, the more you hate him, the more you realize that maybe your hate isn't hate directed at him, but rather, the hate is directed at this passion that you can't seem to quench, can't seem to get away from.

And you realize that all those knots in your stomach, the sick feelings you feel are just the feelings of wanting that you've been bottling up all along. So you walk out of your house, on a sunny winter day. It is warm, almost remniscent of spring. There are puddles, and there's a hum in the air. Your shoes crunch the salt on the ground as you walk briskly, hardly able to contain yourself. Oh, the wanting! It's there.

And then you see him. Right inside, down the first aisle.

The tomato.

You quickly scoop him up, hoping no one sees you. After all your brash talk about hating him, about despising him, no one can know about this love affair that you are about to enter into.

You bring him home with you, perhaps unwise for a first date. Much more appropriate would be enjoying his company at a little italian restaurant with checkered tablecloths. But oh, the passion is too great.

So you bring him home, not even knowing him on more than a first name basis. You cut him up, place him in a pan alongside the avocado and the ricotta cheese. Then you drizzle reduced cream, garlic and basil leaves, and stick them in an oven, until things become hot and steamy.

When all is finally said and done, you serve it all on warm and toasted country bread.

And the love, oh, it is good.




Creamed Tomatoes, Avocado and Ricotta Cheese on Country Bread.
3/4 cups heavy cooking cream (at least 15%)
2 cloves garlic, pressed through a garlic press
10 fresh basil leaves
6 roma tomatoes, sliced lengthwise (approx 1 cm in width)
1 avocado, also sliced lengthwise
3-4 tbsp ricotta cheese
country bread, cut thickly
salt and pepper to taste.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
In a saucepan, simmer the cream and the garlic until 1/3rd reduced.
While simmering cream, cut tomatoes and place in a oven-safe baking dish. Place sliced avocado on top of tomato slices. Then spoon the ricotta cheese over the tomatoes and avocadoes.
When cream is done simmering, stir in basil leaves.
Pour this mixture over the tomatoes and slide into oven.
Bake for about 20-25 minutes until cream is bubbly and thick, and tops of the tomatoes are slightly blistered.
Spoon this out onto toasted bread and add salt and pepper to taste (don't forget to do this, or your lunch will be bland)!



You know, the thing about love affairs is that they're over and done with so quickly. And once they're over, the sick feeling in your stomach comes back, and you realize that maybe...just maybe, you should have waited to get over the flu before subjecting your stomach to the ridiculously good food you make.

Then again, what's a love affair without spontaneity. And damn, that was a good meal. Sometimes, you just gotta throw your hands in the air and say, "To heck with the outcome, i'm not waiting a second longer to eat!" It's probably not the wisest thing, in retrospect. But what love affair is wise?

Oh Mr. Tomato, i don't want to see you for awhile, but thanks for such a wonderful sunday!

49 hours.

i've spent 49 hours in my bed, and i actually think i am going crazy. it was one of the first weeks in a long time where i've missed church because of sickness.

and i know i'm introverted, but 49 hours and 13 minutes of not hanging out with people and sitting in this bed..is driving me insane.

i was on msn with a friend who laughed at me and just told me to sleep, and i cried!

i cried!!

loneliness, boredom and sickness AND not eating tasty food. UGH. i hate this all-star combo!!

Psalm 37

v.3 "Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
v.4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
v.5 Commit your way to the LORD
trust in Him and He will act.
v.7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him.
v.8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil.
v.23 The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
when He delights in his way;
v.24 Though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the LORD upholds his hand
v.39 The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD,
He is their stronghold in the time of trouble.

i am so far from being this kind of person. So far from being able to refrain from anger. Far from being able to subdue my fretting heart.

But i woke up on Thursday morning, and thought "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus."

And despite my circumstances, despite what others think, despite the bad day i have just had, it is sweet to trust in Jesus. I believe; help my unbelief!

nothing like music to make the world go round.



Fiction Family - When She's Near from ATO Records on Vimeo.

on goodbyes.

Today, i said goodbye to a dear friend. Some goodbyes are forever. Some are not. i don't know which kind of goodbye this is. But it was good.

Sometimes, things need to die before they can come back to life. And if Lazarus wasn't brought back from the dead, Jesus would still be perfect and good and beautiful.

To those with ears to hear and eyes to see, there will be very great release from unbearable burdens in the language of autumn trees, for example, when they dress most gloriously in preparation for death. The red of the leaves is the sign of the cross. Winter follows, when snow closes everything in frozen silence. The trees then are skeletons, but wonders are being performed under the surface of things. Spring comes, and the hidden wonders burst out all at once-- tiny shoots, swelling buds, touches of green and red where all seemed hopeless the day before.... If the leaves had not been let go to fall and wither, if the tree had not consented to be a skeleton for many months, there would be no new life rising, no bud, no flower, no fruit, no seed, no new generation.
~ Elisabeth Elliot

On feeling stupid.

Today is just one of those days when you catch yourself and think: " wow I am stupid. I've been putting myself in precarious positions where the only things at risk are my pride and my heart."

My pride can stand to fall...goodness knows I need to be humbled. But the heart is another thing. It's deceitful and yet also the wellspring. There's a tough pericardium, but it's altogether far too sensitive to play games with.

Have you ever had a day like today?

on handmade loveliness.

okay, so you probably already know that i am so over-the-top obsessed with handmade, diy craft culture.

So even though i don't like horror films...i seriously cannot wait for this movie. The first handmade film, shot in 3-D. AHH i cannot wait!!!

i'll give it time, give it space, and be still for a spell.

Learning so much about what it means to wait upon the LORD, these days. It's been good for me. The constant reminder. Through songs, through books, through THE Book.
The lesson is not about the earthly things i am waiting for, but rather, Jesus. Waiting patiently for Him to transform my life. Waiting patiently for Him to do a good work in and through me. Waiting for Him to make me more like Him. Waiting for Him to cause the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start. Only should He choose.

What He brings tomorrow, the lessons I will learn, these are not up to me. But those things He has brought me today are what I need to accept, to wrestle with, in some cases, place on the altar, and in other cases, cherish deeply.


She will have to take Christ's yoke upon her and learn of Him. I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts...God's time for further revelations of the heart might come later. Tomorrow was not our business; it was His. Letting it rest with Him was the discipline for the day, and it was enough. ~ Elisabeth Elliot

love this guy.

ahhh..so amazing. check out his cover of blackbird too...

waiting on the Lord.

i don't know why, but the idea of waiting upon the Lord has come up so often in my life, of late. In my quiet times, in worship, in the books i'm reading. Does that ever happen to you? When you know God is speaking to you, but you feel like it's way too cryptic to understand? i told Him today that i feel like i'm waiting in many areas of my life, but that i feel okay with waiting. That i feel a peace about waiting. But He still kept reiterating it.

i wonder if i'm missing something? Does this ever happen to you?

on heaviness.

Some days are just so mind-blowingly heavy. They're often the days that you least suspect it. Days when the sun is shining, and you wake up feeling great, but not necessarily fully dependent.

Then... wham! Life decides to remind you that you indeed need Life. What a great reminder.

But it doesn't just end there. Somehow, in your brokenness, you make it home. And when you get home, you get a message from a friend's mother (someone whom you've only met once before), encouraging you with a bible verse. And then you talk to someone else who encourages you and reminds you that God still uses your stupidity for some sort of good. Then you drink warm soup while you hear about the things your other friends are rejoicing over, and your heart can't help but rejoice for them, with them. Then, you sit with Jesus, just for a little while, and He speaks to you through Psalm 37.
Finally, you end your day talking about pimples inside your ears with your little brother who isn't so little anymore.

And then you realize that maybe your day wasn't so heavy after all, and that when all is said and done, maybe the day helped you love Him and need Him, even in the ordinary and mundane.

all i see are ghosts.

i don't often show myself grace. i was walking in the metro today, feeling completely disappointed in myself. Maybe feeling like i've been walking around naked and exposed. Definitely not a role model. i asked Jesus to help me understand what grace is.

i came home and talked to a friend. She said that role models kinda suck if you can't relate to their situation at all. That she wouldn't want to look up to someone she could never become or didn't have anything in common with.

so often, all i see are the ghosts of my mistakes. They haunt me and point out my nakedness, my fallenness. But Christ, He is not looking at my mistakes. As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. Grace.

on love.

It's kinda weird when you pray and ask God to make you a more loving person. Because inevitably He does, and it's weird being a more loving person. Suddenly, even hugs become okay. And yo, for an Asian to say that hugs are okay..that's a huge deal.

who needs gossip girl...

When i could probably write my own soap? i wish i could relate to you all the events that have been happening in my life of late. Some days, i wake up and wonder if i've stepped onto the set of All My Children, or something ridiculous like that. The amount of randomness that has happened to me this month is ridiculously high and insane.

At the same time, i don't know if i've ever been in love with God as much as i am now. The transformation He's done in my life, of late, is so astounding to me. The way He has been directly answering my prayers is humbling and beautiful; that we can pray and ask Him to change the weather, or change our relationships brings me to my knees.

It has been my prayer lately that He would consume ALL of me. That i would meet Him each day and see His glory (cf. Moses, Exodus 33:18). Yesterday morning, i prayed some for some very specific changes to happen in my life and by the end of the night, this prayer was answered. i asked Him to enable me to yield everything to Him in perfect resignation and dependence, knowing full well that on my own, i would not be able to yield. And at the end of the night, when my prayer was answered, i did not feel loss. Just a sense of complete peace. Perfect resignation and dependence.

I wrote this in my journal:

Lord God,
You are so good to me. Your peace--it transcends all understanding. A couple of days ago, i sat in Myriad, looking out the window, wondering what i'd do if you took these things away from me, how i'd feel. And in a sense, you have taken these things away from me. All the control, all the hopes and dreams. I feel like Abraham, laying down Isaac, ready to slay him for Your Glory. But at the same time, I feel this sense of peace. Did Abraham feel this way as he raised up the knife? In the "final moments" did he feel this sense of peace and comfort? You have changed me, Father. Somehow, in the deep recesses of my heart, I believe that You indeed are good. Not just good, but Good.
What will you choose to slay, and what will you choose to resurrect? i do not know, but i know that your plans are good, and that You will provide (Exodus 22:14) what is good and true in Your due time.

Life with God is sometimes like Gossip Girl. You never really know where the story will go on a specific day, but you know that it's somewhere exciting, and you know that at the very end, the Lovers will get together (Hos 2:14-20) and all will be well.

matthew 16:24.

Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

All for you, Jesus. Take the Isaacs from my heart. Crucify them as you desire, and resurrect only what would bring You the utmost glory.

i love You. Not as You deserve. Not nearly enough. Help me to love You with a love that surpasses understanding.

nothing like a best friend to knock some sense into you....

"you don't want to be a spiritual pedophile"

"you are doing all of this to yourself."

"you are worth pursuing."

"we live by faith, not by sight and God is not a God of ratios."

"Jim Elliot is going to come back to life any minute now" (i think she forgot that i don't really like ol' jimbo..)

"i will not settle for a worse trade."

"you would be a spiritual pervert."

"i am sending you a can of whup ass." L: isn't it whoop ass? "My accent makes it whup."

soup soup soup!

Dearest friends,

i'm not gonna lie. Today i think i made the best soup i have ever made thus far. It was warm and creamy and wonderful for a wintry day. i wanted to take a picture, but my roommate came home and ate the remnants...

so a recipe will have to suffice!

Carrot Sweet-potato Fennel Chicken cream soup.

2 chicken breasts (cut into cubes)
1 large sweet potato (peeled and cut into cubes)
4 carrots (peeled and cut into discs)
2T Olive oil
2 stalks of fennel
crushed garlic (2-3 cloves)
1 small carton of cream
3 cups chicken stock
5 basil leaves (optional)
salt and pepper to taste.

In a stockpot, fry the fennel (cut up into bunches) with the garlic (i like to use fresh garlic, crushed through a press) and 1 T olive oil until fennel is a bit wilted and the garlic juices have seeped into the fennel.

In a frying pan, use the other tablespoon of olive oil to fry the chicken breast.

Once fennel and garlic mixture is ready, add in the sweet potatoes, carrots and chicken broth.

Cook for 15-20 minutes until potatoes and carrots are soft but not pureed.
Add in the chicken and the cream. Let simmer for 5 minutes.

And...voila! i topped it off with a few basil leaves at the very end and served immediately with salt and pepper to taste.

YUMMM. Enjoy!

random thoughts.

. today, i cooked laksa from scratch. i think it tasted pretty good (i.e. quite like what it is supposed to taste like), considering i was missing a few key ingredients.

. i asked God to cut the weather in half of the predicted temperature (i.e. minus 30 to minus 15) and He answered (predicted: -22 actual: -12). This makes me marvel like His disciples in (c.f. Matt 8:27) at a couple of things:

• the God of the UNIVERSE heard my prayers and ANSWERED.
• He is gracious. It's not as though He needed to answer my prayers. i love how, like a Father, He delights in answering even the most mundane and random prayers.

. sometimes i feel like i was supposed to be a man. For the vast majority of my life, most of my friends have been guys, my room currently looks like a bachelor's apartment (read: disgusting), i often disregard emotions because i want to fix the problem (read: everyone's problems).

. today, in a sermon at church, Andy challenged us to lay aside things that keep us from following Him. i have been mulling this over a LOT in the past two weeks. i think i don't know how to lay things aside. It's one thing to give up food for a certain period of time (i.e. fasting), if, let's say, food is an idol in our lives. It's another thing to lay it aside during the normalcy of life, because you can't just cut food out of your life completely. So how do you get rid of that idol whilst still acknowledging that the object of your lusts, in this case, food, is still going to be present in your life?

. sometimes i wonder if me being friends with many guys is a good thing. It's funny, because for so long, this has been rather situational. In Toronto, i ended up going to a church with a very large proportion of guys. To clarify, i did not go for the guys. i liked the pastor and the preaching, the older generation of people who were warm and friendly, and the programs. Here in Montreal, again, i go to a church with guys streaming out the wazoo. In my small group, i am the only girl. Where are all the girls?

. interesting quote i read awhile back that i've been meaning to blog about, that i am not prepared to comment on, but want to get your thoughts on. Where is the boundary when you are good friends with guys? i have so many guy friends, and so i wonder how to set the line. i have a bit of a Harry mindset (i.e. girls and guys cannot be good friends without complications) and yet, i have many good friends who are guys.

As Debbie Maken would say, you've got to leave men lonely enough to need you. Or as Scott Croft said, don't meet all of a man's "intermediate needs" lest he never feel the need to marry. The key is to not do so much as his friend that your friendship could be mistaken for a dating relationship. It's tempting to slide into a relationship because it's comfortable...

. i'm sure i had other thoughts-- my brain is so full these days-- but i can't remember them now. And it is late. Goodnight.

cost.

i began sensing i was different sometime in high school, when God's calling on my life started to become more and more clear. It was the subtleties that struck me and made me feel like an odd one out. A preservation from the normalcy of the teenage years. Somehow, not by my own merit or my own attempts, i had a love for His Word, a desire to know him, an understanding that seemed to surpass my age.

But following Jesus is costly, and for much of my life, i have been lonely. Not for a lack of friends or people, but maybe for a lack of people my age who understand me.

Today, i was sitting with my small group at church, and i decided to spend our time talking about quiet times and how to do a quiet time. As i went around the room, asking who does regular quiet times, there was no one. One person hadn't done one since the end of the school year in May. Another one does three minute quiet times. Another one reads the Bible ten minutes a day.

It was so devastating to hear this. i fought back tears.

i think i felt God's heart.

And it was lonely.

i wanted to tell them how much i've enjoyed spending extended time with God these past two weeks. How much of a blessing it is to be able to communicate with God. How intimate i feel with Jesus these days. But i knew they wouldn't get it. To them, Jesus is a foreign man. To some, He is no more than a magician who has saved them from something they're not quite sure of. But to me, He is my life. Without Him i wouldn't be alive today.

How do you convey these thoughts into something that brings understanding?

As i was standing in the subway, i thought about how Jesus must have felt after spending three years with His disciples. To know that even after three years, they did not understand Him or comprehend His majesty. i wept. The more i fall in love with Jesus, the more committed i become to Him, the less i feel people understand my heart. Perhaps because the more i become these things, the more i become like Jesus.

The cost is high. The cross is heavy. But sometimes you love the things you sacrifice for so much more. And maybe, after awhile, you realize that it isn't a sacrifice.

winter song.

i love everything about this so much, that i can't even describe my love for it.




trouble is a friend of mine.
sigh, i love this music video too.




the show.
lenka may be my new hero. she wasn't before...but she is now.

what is wrong with me?

i don't know what it is...but i keep buying horrible music from itunes. It's like an addiction, all that horrible, awful, wonderful, non-indie, pop.

i am coming clean, and admitting that i have a problem. A problem that starts with Gwen and ends 'with you'. Before i know it, it'll be something atrocious, like JoJo, or worse yet... Cyndi Wang.

Please help me. Someone. This is a cry for help!

[edit: i think i just partially redeemed myself by purchasing hellogoodbye's ukulele EP.]
[edit 2: and...come on, HOW cool is the cover art for the ukulele EP? it's Ashley G!! As soon as i saw it, i was like..NO WAY. SERIOUSLY? SWOON! We were meant to be, this music and i!]
[edit 3: for those of you on RSS feeds..i am so sorry, i am going posting schizo tonight. too much caffeine at the smits' house!!! i hadn't had coffee in weeks until..today.

the ransomed shall return.

One week. One week of experiencing His presence in such fresh ways. (i hesitate to call it healing, because i know not what He is doing or what the outcome may be, except that i know it is all for my good {Psalm 119:71, Isaiah 38:17}). i wake up in the mornings and stand in my shower, weak at the knees. Will i lose sight of him today and see depression instead?

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with a vengeance,
with the recompense of God
He will come and save you."

Some days this week have been harder than others. On the days that i cling to my baals, i am lost. Frustrated. And yet, even the frustration at not being entirely with Jesus is demonstration of the transformation. Because i feel now. FEELING. This is something that has been so devoid in my life.

This past week, i have been thinking back to all the staff and students i sat with at Winter Conference who came up to me and said, "Lydia, i know you've been dealing with depression. i think i may be depressed. Can you help me?"

Why has He chosen this distinct time to break His silence? Why me, and not the countless others facing silence? i don't know, but i feel so overwhelmed. Burdened. Burdened to pray for those who have cried alongside with me, those who have called out to God with me: "Lord, where are you?" i read God's word, and for the first time in so long, it comes alive to me, and each time i read something, there is another soul placed on my heart to share my meager gleanings with.

Today, as i sat reading His word, i came to the point where i was able to praise God for my 'sufferings'. i praised Him for this year of silence. i praised Him for this year, where i've been forced to live solely by God's Word and not my own feelings. For all the hurt and pain, which seemed so unbearable at the time. Because maybe, just maybe, He has scooped out all the crap in my life so that i might be used by Him as a vessel for every good work (2 Tim 2:21).

i don't know how long Depression will stay away. History tells me i may have one good year and greet her again the next. Or i might greet her tomorrow morning. But praise God, for even in the valleys, in the darkest times, He is good and using our afflictions for good (Psalm 119:71), and when we're in the valleys, it's when His stars shine even brighter.

4 years 2 years later...

i think i've had the last template for the past who knows how many years, and every year, i told myself i'd switch it up...but let's be honest, coding is a royal pain in the derriere, and i hate using pre-made templates.

BUT...2009 is a new year, and i am a new person...so voila!

There are still some kinks to be worked out, and if you want your name on or off the blogroll, just let me know.

huzzah. Time to find some soy milk to celebrate.

there's a fire in my bones...

i don't know what God has been doing in my life lately. This is the second day this week that i've had a ridiculous joy in my Spirit. Is He healing me? i'm almost scared to be hopeful. Since Winter Conference, something has changed in my heart. i can't pinpoint it, but i've felt Him in ways i'm not sure if i ever have before.

Depression. i feel her hovering over me, like a hungry wolf, ready to pounce, and yesterday was proof she's still hanging around, but in many of the days since Winter Conference, as i read His Word, verses just leap off the page in a way they never have before. Almost every verse i read today spoke to me, convicted me, challenged me. i spent almost every minute of today praising Him, begging Him for joy and peace to continue filling my heart.

“Come, let us return to the Lord;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”
~ Hosea 6:1-3

i caught a glimpse of you, and you've slipped away again.

or maybe i have.

i don't get how some days can be so good and then the next day, so back to normal. So dry.

argh!!!!

winter is coming, but the ice is melting.

Something magical, dare i say, miraculous, happened that night at Winter Conference. i laid down all my hopes, my dreams--dreams i never even knew i had--and crucified them at the cross.

Lord, i prayed, if you want to resurrect these dreams, you will. i miss you, and i want so badly to be healed. To feel a sense of peace. It's been so long. Are you even here? i know you are, i just want to know. i don't have anything to give you, except everything that i am dreaming of. i want to be free. To feel.

That night was the first time that i've felt in so long. Something about death, so that life can begin. One glimpse of Him, one touch of His hand. Having been without so long, a slight presence was more than enough to keep me going. Pressing on. Winter is just in its first throes, but the deep ice is melting.


Tonight the stars speak ~ The Glorious Unseen.

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

the past year.

It seems so cliche to say, but is it already 2009? How can this be? It feels as though i just blinked a Barbara Eden-sized blink and 2009 arrived magically upon my doorstep. Last year, as we ushered in the new year, i was up on stage singing 'mighty to save'. This year, i stood hidden in the back, still singing 'mighty to save'. And really, as i stood praising Him last night, i realized that the only reason why i am still alive, a year later, is because He is mighty to save.

In four days, it will be a year since i wrote this post. Over a year of clinging desperately, holding to a God that i know is there, but have not felt. Over a year of tears each day, loneliness and depression. Over a year of waking up each day and wondering, 'Why'?

Would i trade it? Had i the opportunity, would i bid goodbye to this walk with depression? The truth is, i don't know. Because in the hard times, the darkest times, i have learned so much about what it means to walk by faith. When i don't feel, when i can't see--these are the times that i learn to trust; and without darkness, without canyons to leap over and barriers to overcome, maybe faith isn't really all that real and trust not all that trusting. And maybe when you're so tired that you can't cling anymore, you realize that all along, He has been the one clinging to you.

2008 has been a year of breaking and brokenness. So many things have been stripped away from me. Other things have been given over, as a sacrifice, hoping in the better things to come. And as we ushered in a new year, singing "Mighty to save", i heard a small quiet voice--a voice i have not heard in over a year--saying, "I have conquered the grave. I will conquer your sickness too."

Maybe 2009 will be a year of healing. i don't really know. But i do know that He is mighty to save. And maybe for today, just knowing that will be enough. Perhaps for tomorrow, just knowing that will be enough. Soon enough, days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years. Perhaps that is really what a life of faith is. Trusting that during silence and the speaking, He is here and at work, conquering death.

So, here's to 2009. Another year of following Jesus and another year of being delivered from the Valley of Achor.