vendredi, juillet 21, 2006

(i've received some comments that my blog isn't as personal as it once was....i don't know if i agree..but here's something super personal...i guess.)

loneliness has always followed me around like a shadow.

inevitable, i suppose--i AM an only child.

Growing up, i preferred reading to anything else...and i would spend hours reading. i often had difficulty making friends; people always saw me as the "smart girl"...the girl who "skipped a grade". Even to this day, when i see people from elementary/jr.high school, they won't remember who i am...unless i tack on the ending "you know...i was that girl who skipped a grade??"

making friends has always been difficult.

at church, i never really felt as though i fit in. there were a multitude of kids my age who were super prep, well dressed and really into fashion. then there were the "smart kids"...which is synonymous with "competitive kids" (yeah, you know...chinese churches!). you would have thought that i would have fit in with the latter group, but i was always the one who was the one TO be competed with.

a memory. in the parking lot. at recess. my best friend from grade 4 and i.
i don't think we should be friends anymore.
why not?
because you're in grade 6 now, and i'm in grade 5.
but we can still be friends...
no, we can't. you have to make your own friends, and i have to find some new ones.
that was the end of that.

in junior high, i went to a different high school than the majority of chinese kids my age--my parents (with great wisdom) wanted to send me to a school where i wouldn't have the pressure of competing--intellectually or fashion-wise...and to this day, i am grateful. at that school, i had the opportunity to do everything that i loved--music, dance AND academics. and the greatest thing was that for the first time i had a solid group of friends. but loneliness continued to follow me around like a shadow. until grade 10, i was the only one among all my friends who was a Christian...and i longed for someone who could talk to me about these things.

fastforward to university. my parents urged me to move away from home--and again, i am SO grateful for their wisdom and insight. in coming to university, by God's grace, i was able to break out of my shell and become friends with some marvelous people. for the first time in my life, i was able to have close fellowship and accountability. and i've loved it.

but loneliness was still something pervasive in my life. it IS something pervasive in my life. deep down, i believe it stems from insecurity in my life--not believing that people could actually love me...for ME...and not because i'm the "smart girl that skipped a grade." Often times, i fill my schedule...pack it that i can avoid the pangs of not knowing anyone to hang out with...or feeling as though people would not want to spend time with me. However, since project this year, i've really been praying that Abba would release me from this bondage of lonelieness. In a sense, i am grateful this feeling of loneliness. it has caused me to rely on God and cry out to Him more than anyone else. i have a feeling it is preparing me for what is to come later on in life. But, these past 3 months have been a fight to trust in His love, trust that my friends are my friends..because they want to BE my friends..and a fight to ignore the whispers that constantly bombard my mind.

The most amazing thing is that i truly believe my prayers are being answered. God has provided me with people who envelop me with love...just when i need it. He has released me from the fear of getting to know new people and learning to share my life with others. i've never made so many new friends in one summer! Its my first summer in TO...perhaps my last...but it is has been a phenomenal summer thus far...(almost as good as last year) and i am grateful that while loneliness follows me around like a shadow, Christ is in me and gives life to my mortal body through His spirit who dwells in me. He is, thankfully, at work in my life and in the lives of brothers and sisters around me teaching us to love and allowing us to understand love to the fullest degree. Oh, that He would love me SO much and desire me to know Him that He would die for me--this is a marvelous thing!

4 commentaires:

loco a dit...

ur my friend :D

som a dit...

I could never share like this. Good for you. I like being a child of God and having his spirit 'tabernacle' with me because of what Christ has done. Good times for sure.

Jess a dit...

Lyyyydia. I'm so glad you shared that with our DG earlier this summer. It was nice to know you aren't perfect :p You know how everyone sort of assumes that the next person doesn't really struggle with anything - but intellectually you KNOW everyone's got their own crap to deal with. In any case, I'm glad you're fighting to believe God's promise about how He will be with you always until the end of the age & never leave you or forsake you. I heart you & miss you!

p.s. we're putting together the memory book for project, and you're a part of most of my stand-out-memories. Involving saliva and the metro etc.

amac a dit...

usually deep posts scare me, but thanks for sharing. Looking back on it, fellowahip with C4C peeps at York have changed my life. Didn't really realize how alienated i was before. I should throw a party for everyone.