good day.

spent the day with sam :)

ran 3k at the gym without feeling winded!!, found out i lost some weight (all the gymmage paying off!), went for ramen and takoyaki, shot a couple of engagement photos for j&w, church/missional community, dreamt about the future with Sam, edited some pics, and now in bed ready to watch a little bit of TV!

(one of my faves from the shoot)

lotsa things on the brain.

With 187 days left until the wedding, there's so many things to consider! There's small things like invites, and then large things like buying a house!

But with all these things on the brain, i'm pretty grateful for a few things:

. Sam: i'm so excited to be marrying this guy! i don't usually blog about how much i like him (not a big fan of gushing), but i really do like him! he's so steady and funny and just has the biggest heart out of anyone i know!

. my parents: i'm really grateful for their financial help, but also really grateful that they've taught me things about working hard and saving hard. i love talking to them on the phone and hearing their voices. they've been pretty reassuring during this time.

. finances: God has really blessed Sam and i with good finances. Being in ministry, we're not loaded, but we've been working really hard to save half of our paycheques each month. It's pretty crazy to think that a 22year old and a 24 year old could be homeowners in the next year...just goes to show how good God has been!

Matthew 20:28

This morning, i had a really sad moment when something was said to me that really hurt. At first, i tried to ignore it, but soon i became angry; then all i felt was really sad.

The line was almost verbatim: "Students probably wouldn't want to come if you came, because you're on staff." This, in light of Wednesday's post left me feeling deflated.

i had a moment where i just sat and cried and talked to Jesus. In that moment, he whispered to my heart, "I see you serve. All the small things you do don't go unnoticed by me. In fact, they were given to you by me. These are the good things I prepared in advance for you to walk in them."

It occurred to me during Winter Conference that being in ministry is a pretty thankless job. Sam and i spent a good 20 minutes rolling up this huge piece of deflated plastic from a human foosball rental. Who knew that when you signed up for ministry, you, the one who skipped a grade and graduated with an honours degree, would spend a chunk of time on your hands and knees, rolling up huge pieces of plastic, dirtied from sweat and what not, at 3am in the morning? There's no thanks for those sorts of things--the things that need to be done, but are invisible things that are done when no one else is watching. And ministry is full of those things.

There's no thanks, but sometimes (...often...) anger, when you have to deroot sin in someone's life, no thanks for the countless times you stay up late praying for the people you work with, and no thanks for the times you spend crying when people ask you (read: tell you), "Are you really my friend? Do you really care? Or are you just using me?"

But today, (yes, i am well aware that i started my sentence with a conjunction) as i was having my little pity party, i realized that it isn't unconditional love if i serve and expect gratitude and friendship in return. If i serve just so that i can be bolstered up and commended, then i am indeed "using" my role in ministry and the people that i serve.

That's what makes Jesus so amazing. The King of this world could have used us like pawns. He could have demanded to be first, demanded our affections, demanded our praise. He could have struck down every mocker, every scoffer. And yet, Jesus incarnate did the opposite; He did not turn His face from the spit of His subordinates. Instead, He came to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many.

i didn't join staff or go into full-time ministry to receive the praise of man, and even if i desire it, i'm hardly deserving of it.

i need to keep this in front of me daily.

i am in full-time ministry to serve my Christ. To serve the One who was the best model of how i ought to be, and who loves me, despite, and inspite of, the countless times i have spit in his face. The One who never gives up on me, even on the days when i don't feel like being with Him, simply because He is God.

The thankless things, with which ministry is rife, aren't just things to endure; they are actually good works, which Christ prepared beforehand, that i should walk in them. And i don't ever walk in them alone. He is with me until the very end of the age.

Today, the day didn't start off so well, but it's ended off pretty good with me walking hand in hand with Mr. Jesus.

birthday celebration.

Today, i celebrated my birthday with two of the girls i disciple. What fun! Everyone should celebrate their birthday 4.5 months after the actual day!

More and more, the older i get, the more out of place i sometimes (only sometimes!) feel on campus. It gets kinda lonely sometimes, because i want to be friends with students, but the older i get, the less i'm seen as a friend. [end sob fest]

Tonight was fun!

God the masochist (conversation #1).

Wow. January isn't even over, and i'm doing horribly on resolution #2. Then again, i don't really feel repentant over this. i've had good reason to be mia this week, and i'm trying not to blog for others; i'm not trying to blog for the approval of the blogosphere, but for myself.

Anyways, my "business travels" were pretty great this week. One of the highlights of my week was talking to G and J, and having them point out to me my (very) flawed thinking re: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

The conversation went something like this:

Me: i guess sometimes i feel like following God means doing the hardest things possible. i mean, i know that's not the truth, but it's the way i feel.

G (somewhat facetiously): how do you decide what the hardest thing to do is?

Me: ummm.. i guess the hardest thing to do is go where there is the most need. Like unreached places.

G: Okay, so pretend you go to joshuaproject.net, and you find out that Nepal is the most unreached place. Do you move to Nepal?

Me: i guess...maybe i wonder if that is what all of us should be doing?

G: Okay, so you and every other Christian moves to Nepal. You spend about 10 years learning and perfecting the language. But what if, in your 9th year, you visit joshuaproject.net and find out that there is now an even LESS reached place than Nepal?! This new place has now become the hardest place. Do you pick up and leave Nepal for this new place in order to be obedient to God?

J (tongue-in-cheek): come to think of it, G, if going to Nepal was the hardest thing for someone to do, Nepal probably wouldn't have internet either...

G: that's right, J! So, she wouldn't even be able to visit joshuaproject.net and find stats on the least reached place on earth! How then, would she know what the hardest thing to do was? Oh no, Lydia, now you won't be able to know what God's will is!!

Me: touché.

G: do you think God wants you to enjoy His blessings and feel joy?

Me: Yes...but i guess sometimes i think that the joy comes through and in the midst of suffering, and that without suffering, we aren't being obedient and therefore can't feel joy.

J: so basically, you think that if you aren't suffering and aren't doing the hardest thing you can possibly think up, you aren't being obedient...

Me: i guess so. i mean, i would never tell others this, but i guess that's how subconsciously i've been living my life.

G: You're telling me that in your mind, obedience is equal to suffering, and that God isn't happy with us unless we are suffering.

Me: ..... i know it's not...but i feel like it is.

G: you don't believe in Christian hedonism do you?

J: she believes in Christian masochism.

---

A few things i learned from this conversation (i learned a lot more, but i figure i'll do this in nuggets):

- it's funny how when you follow your train of thought to it's very end, sometimes it ends up being a lot more twisted than it actually seems at first glance

- my view of God, deep down, is pretty warped!

- i live a lot of my life in bondage to rules and regulations that i have made up for myself, instead of experiencing the freedom that Christ died for me to have.

- i learn a lot from sarcasm and facetiousness.

changes...

Well, one of the big changes that has gone on in my life of late is a role change. I'm still with C4C, but for this semester, i'll be working with NEST (National Evangelistic Strategies Team) 3 days a week and campus 2 days a week.

Tomorrow i'm flying off to Toronto/Gueph for some meetings.

i'm not very good with change, so we'll see how this goes. Will blog more later.

today i made...

- egg nog french toast

- roasted potatoes with steak spice and cheese

- scrambled eggs with basil

- laksa

it was a break from the diet...but good times with friends :)

sometimes, being an introvert, i need a lot of time away from people, and i end up feeling lonely. today was a good reminder that there are people that i love and that are worth all the tiredness.

posting 360 days this year is a ridiculous resolution.

i have decided. This was a ridiculous and farcical goal. i'm sorry, but i am just not deep enough to post every single day and have good thoughts every single day. However, i am also unwilling to stop this resolution, because it is just as ridiculous as the goal itself. i mean, who quits on their new years' resolution not even one week in?

Asinine. That's what this was.

Anyways, since i know that not everyone wants to read drivel and have to sift through drivel to get to gold(ish) nuggets, from now on, i will try to label my posts if they are drivel (such as this one), so that you can just skip over them if you desire.

i had a random thought today.

What would people think, and how would they react, if i traipsed around town with a flamingo perched on top of my head in the dead of winter? Would they stare? Pretend to look away?

Also, today i bought a printer. My other one has been dead for 2 years now.

Whelps. That's all. i hope you didn't waste your time reading this and then decide to never come back. Because, as i said, it's all just drivel.

how did i once post multiple times a day?

it's like i didn't have a life or something...

actually... more like... i don't have ENOUGH of a life right now to blog about!

Really. i've just stared at this screen for about five minutes, and i've got NOTHING.

Well.. there are some things, but i can't talk about them just yet.

At least i know that i'm maturing and that i now have the ability to censor myself. In a few days i'll have more to talk about. i think.

POnate, this blog was essentially for you. To stay on your good probation side.

Questions on my mind lately...

This is pretty choppy. Last year, for some reason, really caused me to lose my blogging "mojo". Sorry. I didn't want to use the word "mojo", but it was all i could come up with.

(i just thesaurus.commed "mojo"...whoops, i didn't know that mojo is synonymous with blow, crack, coke and nose candy....)

Anyways.

A big question on my mind lately is: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

Often, as Christians, we're challenged to go to hard places, to do hard things. Jesus even says that "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head." The context of this is in His challenge for people to follow Him.

What i see this to mean is that when we follow Him, we aren't guaranteed comfort, and sacrifice is often imminent.

So does this mean that if we aren't doing the hardest things we could possibly do, we would be disobedient to God's call? i mean, part of the reason why the world isn't yet reached is because of disobedient Christians who don't want to leave their places of comfort for God's sake.

If this is the case, should all of us be doing the hardest and most challenging thing we can think up?

How do missionaries decide to leave places like China or Afghanistan or Palestine or ________ (insert closed country here) and move back to Canada? Is there such justification? Will i have to live here in Quebec forever? How does one feel the freedom to leave hard places?

i know that the answer will be something like, "They listen to God's leading and follow." But can someone help me straighten out my thoughts by giving me a dose of good ol' Bibleage?

does anyone believe in resolutions anymore?

i have to admit... i don't really. When people (myself included) say they have resolutions, i'm often pretty skeptical. Most people don't keep their resolutions, and i probably won't either.

The cynic in me tells me that resolutions are just another way to make ourselves feel better about our failings in the previous year.

Resolutions.

Key Word: perseverance.

1. drop 35 pounds before the wedding.

2. blog 360 posts this year

3. exercise 3-4 times per week

4. trust God that He knows what He's doing daily.

5. have fun.