Low on the Go!

God the masochist (conversation #1).

Wow. January isn't even over, and i'm doing horribly on resolution #2. Then again, i don't really feel repentant over this. i've had good reason to be mia this week, and i'm trying not to blog for others; i'm not trying to blog for the approval of the blogosphere, but for myself.

Anyways, my "business travels" were pretty great this week. One of the highlights of my week was talking to G and J, and having them point out to me my (very) flawed thinking re: Does God only ever lead us to hard places?

The conversation went something like this:

Me: i guess sometimes i feel like following God means doing the hardest things possible. i mean, i know that's not the truth, but it's the way i feel.

G (somewhat facetiously): how do you decide what the hardest thing to do is?

Me: ummm.. i guess the hardest thing to do is go where there is the most need. Like unreached places.

G: Okay, so pretend you go to joshuaproject.net, and you find out that Nepal is the most unreached place. Do you move to Nepal?

Me: i guess...maybe i wonder if that is what all of us should be doing?

G: Okay, so you and every other Christian moves to Nepal. You spend about 10 years learning and perfecting the language. But what if, in your 9th year, you visit joshuaproject.net and find out that there is now an even LESS reached place than Nepal?! This new place has now become the hardest place. Do you pick up and leave Nepal for this new place in order to be obedient to God?

J (tongue-in-cheek): come to think of it, G, if going to Nepal was the hardest thing for someone to do, Nepal probably wouldn't have internet either...

G: that's right, J! So, she wouldn't even be able to visit joshuaproject.net and find stats on the least reached place on earth! How then, would she know what the hardest thing to do was? Oh no, Lydia, now you won't be able to know what God's will is!!

Me: touché.

G: do you think God wants you to enjoy His blessings and feel joy?

Me: Yes...but i guess sometimes i think that the joy comes through and in the midst of suffering, and that without suffering, we aren't being obedient and therefore can't feel joy.

J: so basically, you think that if you aren't suffering and aren't doing the hardest thing you can possibly think up, you aren't being obedient...

Me: i guess so. i mean, i would never tell others this, but i guess that's how subconsciously i've been living my life.

G: You're telling me that in your mind, obedience is equal to suffering, and that God isn't happy with us unless we are suffering.

Me: ..... i know it's not...but i feel like it is.

G: you don't believe in Christian hedonism do you?

J: she believes in Christian masochism.

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A few things i learned from this conversation (i learned a lot more, but i figure i'll do this in nuggets):

- it's funny how when you follow your train of thought to it's very end, sometimes it ends up being a lot more twisted than it actually seems at first glance

- my view of God, deep down, is pretty warped!

- i live a lot of my life in bondage to rules and regulations that i have made up for myself, instead of experiencing the freedom that Christ died for me to have.

- i learn a lot from sarcasm and facetiousness.