Low on the Go!

sacrifice (2).

As I've said before...sometimes my thoughts come all at once. My brain has been rather lazy this summer/fall; it's only once I get it moving and the blood circulating around it that thoughts begin to percolate.

I was reading my friend Jess' blog a couple of weeks ago, and I read this post. Jess is in her last year of university, and desires to join staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, the same organization that I work for. Anyways, reading her thoughts really reminds me...of..well.. me, and funny enough, a similarly entitled blog that I wrote at the end of August.

In February, after already being accepted on staff, I went through a couple of weeks where I wondered WHAT the heck I was doing with my life by joining staff.

All in all, I'd say though, it wasn't much of a sacrifice to give up dreams of master's degrees and law school. I've left university, feeling rather jaded or disenamoured with what I had been studying. The competition (unhealthy competition) between classmates, and programs with a lack of a viable solution (Jesus) left me disenchanted with university. Relinquishing the dreams of master's programs was hard, not because these were things I was passionately in love with, but because they were dreams (albeit, dreams lacking substance) that I had held onto for so long.

In the past couple of months, I've had a lot of time to think about what I love doing. There have been some (replace "some" with "many) weeks where support raising has been slow, leaving me with far too much time on my hands. I've had to conjure up hobbies and activities to keep me sane, since I have almost no friends in Edmonton. When I look at my blogroll, my bookmarks, my internet history, and how I have spent my spare time, there have been multiple things that I have inclined my attention towards: interior design, graphic design, reading (almost one book a day/ various magazines/blogzines/webzines), editing (people's newsletters, papers, virtually anything I can get a hold of), typography, photography, music and discipleship&evangelism (though, in rather small quantities).

I was recently talking to a friend of mine. She is the sweetest and artsiest person you'll meet, and I asked her what she was studying in her post-grad program. All I knew was that it was something to do with publishing. She told me that she gets to do all sorts of amazing things like photography and design! I went to check out her program online...and just reading about the courses make me drool in a way that I never did over any of my psychology or peace and conflict studies courses. Photography...design...editing... mmm.. Who KNEW that a program with so many of my passions actually EXISTED??

Once again, joining staff feels like a sacrifice. Do not get me wrong. I am excited about what I've signed up to do. There really isn't anything better than doing pure discipleship and evangelism. And I KNOW this is what God has called me to do for the next while. I will do it with cheer, zeal and passion, because I love what He has called me to do. But the little voice at the back of my head asks, "What next?" "What will you do after the next couple of years?" "Can you see yourself doing this forever?" "By the time you finish, you'll be at least 23... you're wasting the prime of your life. If you want to go into any high profile industry, you have to do it while you're young." "You're wasting all your skills and not even getting to do all the things you love and take them seriously." "You love wearing expensive clothing and buying things. Look at your other friends. They can do this with their REAL jobs. You won't be able to. Even if you save up and use your salary, you'll have supporters wondering why you're using money they've given to buy a pair of $300 jeans."

And then I know, after hearing myself talk...that my heart is deceitful above all things, and that I am listening to the wrong voice. I am so quick to lust after the things of this world. Who else should I give the prime of my life to, if not God and His work? What has He given me these skills for? To simply satisfy myself or to usher more children into His fold? JEANS?? Since WHEN have I desired a pair of $300 jeans? After 2 years, they'd be destroyed anyways. Here today. Gone tomorrow.

Some days.... most days... I lack eternal perspective. I do desire for a way to incorporate more of my passions into my ministry, but I know that will happen on it's own, because the Creator does not leave His creation defenseless and without inspiration.

When I think about it more... how privileged am I to be able to do His Work full time? He doesn't need me. Not at all. But for some reason, He has chosen to use this stubborn, slow learning (I gave a talk on eternal perspective at church on sunday night...oh, pharisee that I am!), rebellious vessel.

I won't be able to buy $300 jeans. But the Prize is worthy enough to satiate ALL my bizarre fancies and desires. It is no sacrifice.