on goodness.

You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...

But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.

So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.

Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."

...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?

Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.

My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.

on new perspectives.

You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.

This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.

Interesting.

Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)

So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.

There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.

At the risk of sounding po-mo, it's just been good to glean different perspectives from equally "godly"/"spiritual" people and enjoy their company just as much as i enjoy the company of those back home.(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)

on beauty.

"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes

i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.

AMAZING!

hahah this video is SO inspiring. Watch and be amazed.



favourite parts:

undressing, putting on the pants and the TIE (OH MY GOSH, EPIC BRILLIANCE!)!

from far far away.

if your main love language is quality time...how do you reconcile this if you are far away and not feel neglected?

i am here!

well friendlies, i am here in hot colorado! Sitting outside in a parking lot because there is a wifi connection i can find here. i am pretty sure mosquitoes are feasting on me.. i feel bugs landing on me.

oh the things one will do for wifi.

Things here have been INTENSE. There has been so much work, that it's hard to keep up! But let me tell you, having a s.f. has made me DISCIPLINED!!! Because I know that i want to talk to him during the day or at night, i know that i have to be disciplined in making my choices over what i'll do and whether i'll party or not. So far so good. i studied for 6 hours yesterday (or maybe more!) and then another 4 today and after this, i'll go back and study more. So if you're wondering why i've disappeared..well.. yeah. Blogging will take a backseat.


But i WILL leave you with this thought from one of my textbooks:

"How was it possible for God to become man? The clearest answer from Scripture comes from Philippians 2, where Paul wrote that Christ Jesus "emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men" (v. 7). The exact meaning of this word "emptied" has been debated by Christian thinkers for more than sixteen hundred years. Of what, exactly, did Jesus empty HImself? Some say that the second person of the Trinity gave up His deity while on earth as Jesus. This is clearly unbiblical because, as we saw above, Jesus was God while on earth. Many modern evangelicals have argued that He only veiled His glory or added humanity to His deity. My problem with these less radical suggestions is that while they preserve the deity of Christ, they do not help answer the question of how God could live as a finite human.
The view I find the most attractive (and hold at a persuasion level) is that Jesus chose voluntarily not to use His infinite attributes during His earthly life. This explains why Jesus sometimes did not know things and had other limitations that go with being human. 'But what about the times when Jesus prophesied the future or performed miracles?' someone might object. 'Didn't He exercise His omniscience or omnipresence at those times?' My answer is that Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit for supernatural powers just as HIs disciples did. If this view is true, it means that Jesus is our perfect example of the Spirit-filled life--He depended on the Holy Spirit just as we must."~ Dr. Alan Kent Scholes

To me, that's pretty amazing. I mean, if Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit, how much more must i, being prone to sin and depravity?

my friends make me cry.

from powered by tofu shirts from S.F., to a COMPUTERIZED sewing machine from Gamoon&co., to Stila from Shelly, to a subscription for UPPERCASE magazine from Aban..all this in about a week.

i felt overwhelmed this morning. i'm prone to feeling lonely here in Monts, but days like today remind me that i have such lovely friends who care.

2 more reasons why s.f. is great.

i got this in the mail today, with a note that said, "Surprise!" It wasn't really a surprise, but i was still happy to get it! (okay it's backwards when you take a pic with photobooth, but you get the gist!)


Also, i like him because he said i could put this picture on my blog. Well, i believe his exact words were, "Do what you want, but you need to know, everything is reciprocal. Not threatening you, or anything."

But, i'm not really worried about retaliation. i think he's too nice to retaliate. And besides, i'm all about the instant gratification that i will receive upon posting this. MUAHAHAHA.

(leggings featured are from TNA).

posting frenzy.

i really want to order this magazine. it looks SO amazingly delicious. But it's $72 for a quarterly subscription. i think i'll hem and haw over this for a bit, but in the end, i might spring for it. We shall see.

link of the day.

i cannot tell you how much i absolutely adore this designer.

sadly, i am too po for this designer.

2 options:

1. become rich

2. learn how to sew really really really well.

another reason why i like s.f. (he told me to title this blog: why other girls lost out.)

Today, s.f. spent 5 hours on the phone with my cell phone provider for me.

5 hours !

i spent 5 minutes on the phone with the customer relations guy near the end of s.f.'s 5 hours, and i thought i would punch said customer relations guy through the phone.

The story is far too long to tell, but it involves countless hours on the phone with said company. i'd estimate (including today's phone call) it involves at least 8-9 hours of calls. Shelly calls it a saga. i'd say..it is an EPIC saga. They sold me a plan that wouldn't work unless i purchased data. Why would you sell a customer a plan if they can't even use it unless they spend MORE money?

SCAMS.

But, of course, s.f. is more of a rockstar than those scammers. He managed to get me an amazing deal!! A steal of a deal! A deal that is even better than his plan! So, my plan went from being almost $100/month without data, to....

250 day time minutes
unltd eve (starting at 8) & weekends
unltd incoming calls, unltd texts + MMS
call display, who called
visual voicemail
500MB data

all for $42.

Oh, and they gave me $150 in credit too.

***
S.F. is such a great and caring rockstar. AND he is like kevin spacey in 'the negotiator'.

i think i like him.

littlest things.

i took the past weekend to recharge and visit my former housemate from university in New York. We went to a craft fair i've wanted to visit for the past two years, hung out, talked about spiritual things. The weather was warm, and i think my heart was warmed a bit too.

Some people might laugh when i say this, but i really do think that the spiritual darkness that exists here in Quebec impacts the depression and consequent spiritual depression that i face on a cyclical basis. i've struggled with depression for much of my life, but it has never been as hard to endure as it has been here in Montreal.

So whenever i leave Monts for a little bit, i always come back feeling recharged and just a little bit more hopeful. This weekend was really good in particular for me. i was reminded of my love of sharing the gospel, reminded of my love of art and music and food. Little things that would seem so ordinary most of the time really warmed my heart.

It might also sound funny, but my creativity, i find is also often very linked with how i am doing spiritually. Somehow, i know that when i take a good picture, it isn't because of me. When i draw, it isn't from me. For the past while, lydia + the arts= mediocre at best. But the trip to New York has set me on an upswing, i feel. Since December, i haven't really pulled out my camera apart from a few shots at Martha's Vineyard. Today, i have an inkling to pull out film and have some fun. Music has come alive to me. When i play my violin, i feel like it's that extra part of my soul that i've been missing out on.

Oh, and i've been sewing too! My friend in NY taught me how to use a sewing machine, and off i went! So far, it's just a purse and a handmade doll (okay, so the doll is super ugly, but give me grace...i've never sewed a doll before!)

Small things. Little things, ya know? Probably the littlest things to most. But one small step at a time.

blessings.

. going to a craft fair i've wanted to go to for the past 2 years
. seeing old friends
. eating cupcakes from magnolia bakery
. sewing a purse (pictures to come, once i'm done the lining ^_^)
. muji 0.38 refillable pens with a gel grip
. finally purchasing the blackbird, fly TLR
. having s.f. come welcome me home at the airport (i've decided to call special friend, s.f.)
. trying out mango green tea lemonade from starbucks
. sitting and listening to music whilst chatting with Jesus.
. getting fabric to sew a plushie for the first time
. being offered a free sewing machine from a friend after twittering about it

my life is chock full of blessings. i don't always remember this, but i especially feel it today.

. mcdonalds filet-o-fishes when i'm sad
. bubble tea when i'm mad
. a clean desk makes me glad
. hours upon hours with rogers, yielding a way better phone plan, saving me scads

swoon.

on wilderness.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. Many days, in the past few years, i've been feeling like i've been out in the wilderness, wandering, lost. i came to Montreal, a confident person with lots of friends and a desire to see change happen. i thought in moving here, i was moving towards reaching the city: thought i would make many friends, thought i would see people come to Christ, thought i would grow in my walk with God and love Him even more than ever.
But instead, in moving here, i feel like i've become broken here. That instead of moving towards the city, i've headed towards the wilderness, and for awhile, despite some open patches with sunny skies, i've mostly been lost and wandering around.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

So often, i've read this passage and thought to myself, "Wow, what a beautiful passage. Oh, how i would love to be allured into the wilderness." But as i think about it more, the wilderness is actually a scary place. It's a place largely void of people. And one has to question, are the people there people you can trust, or are they hunters, ready to devour their prey? It's a solitary place, alienated from the rest of the world.
The wilderness i have been in has been a really scary place. At first, i gave everyone my heart, just desperately wanting companionship on my journey in the wilderness. But having lately found it returning bruised and hurting, i am more wary. And weary. i have a hard time giving my heart away. Hunters you see.
And then came the loneliness. The overpowering loneliness.

Most lately, fear has come. Fear of making friends and fear of keeping them. i enter into situations with my hackles raised, my teeth ready to be bared and ready to claw my way out of things. i try to isolate myself before i am isolated, because it feels so much better to have said "i don't need you," than to be told, "We don't want you." There's a fear of stepping out in faith, because this wilderness is cold and dark, and there's no way to tell what could be next.

How is this wilderness good, i've asked. And He has said it is good, because He has brought me here, so that i will only trust in Him and be with Him alone. It is good, because the wilderness is the only place where the din of downtown, the chaos of the city exists not. You see, He wants to speak tenderly with me. But He does not shout to be heard. He whispers quietly, ever so quietly, like One who feeds deer in the forest. Were He to approach and shout, He would just startle the creature, the deer's neck would twitch upward and there would be a gaze full of fear. Instead, He whispers quietly, and holds His hand out, so that the deer, panting for water, will come to Him, ever so cautiously. He waits and continues to whisper, until the deer feels His breath upon her neck. Water has arrived for the deer as she has longeth for it.

And maybe that is why the wilderness is good. It is good because He has brought me here. But before i can enjoy the wilderness, all the Baals in my mouth must be relinquished. And so the wilderness forces me to let go of my lovers, and forget my fears. And like the deer, before He can quench my thirst, i have to be still, and feel His breath upon my neck, and listen to His silent whispers, instead of the shouts of condemnation and fear. They will be whispers telling me that i am His and He is mine. Whispers telling me that He loves me and has made me His.

And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.
And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD.~ Hosea 2:18-21a

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35

redemption.

Today, i did something so completely horrible, something wretched and vile.
i didn't know i could fall so far.

Though i still await the consequences of what i have done, today, i also saw the complete sweetness of His forgiveness and mercy.

Then, at 2am today, God used this horrible and vile act, and moreso, the accompanying gleanings i learned to be of use in His Kingdom.

Somehow, that is really beautiful to me. i guess that is what redemption is. Taking an ugly, stained sinner, and transforming them into something much better.

Though i don't know what will happen tomorrow, what the earthly consequences will be, i am so astounded by grace. i guess it's by that grace that i will live tomorrow.

Equally Skilled ~ Jon Foreman

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of our hands, Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of their hands, Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
are equally skilled at ruining evil
equally skilled at judging the judges
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
are equally skilled at showing me mercy
Equally skilled at loving the loveless
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands, Both of His hands


maybe Micah 7 says it better...

Micah 7

Woe is me! For I have become as when the summer fruit has been gathered,
as when the grapes have been gleaned;
there is no cluster to eat,
no first-ripe fig that my soul desires.
The godly has perished from the earth,
and there is no one upright among mankind;
they all lie in wait for blood,
and each hunts the other with a net.
their hands are on what is evil, to do it well;
the prince and the judge ask for a bribe,
and the great man utters the evil desire of his soul;
thus they weave it together.
The best of them is like a brier
the most upright of them a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen, of your punishment, has come;
now their confusion is at hand.
Put no trust in a neighbor;
have no confidence in a friend;
guard the doors of your mouth
from her who lies in your arms;
for the son treats the father with contempt,
the daughter rises up against her mother,
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my case
and executes judgement for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

i love it when life is caught with just the right morning light.

blank canvas.

It seems to me that if i have loads of free time to spare, i should be able to spend more time doing all the things i love, like writing, reading, shooting (pictures not guns), and crafting and playing music.
But the phenomenon seems to be that when there is a blank canvas of time, i become a slothful monster who ambles out of the cave only to find food and retires right after to meet Sleep.

Isn't this the way things often are? We long for summertime, but then summertime comes and is wasted away in the blink of an eye. We long for boyfriends or marriage or kids, but before we know it, life has passed by, and the only wish that seems to be left is to travel back to the past and relive it, because we missed out on it while we were waiting for the future to come.

i was thinking about this recently, but it seems to me that we spend a lot of time living in the future. Hoping for things to come. Bargaining with Future for things to be different tomorrow. The thing is, we can't really live in two places at once, and so if we live in the future, we can't really live in the present. And maybe thats why, once we're in the future, we live in the past, mulling over those failed times, sharing the past with Regret.

i know this is a simple little moral that we've all heard before, and perhaps Jim Elliot summed it up the best when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Today, i was sitting with my director, and he said something that struck me. It went something to the effect of: "The more of a leader you become, the more you have to create your own vision instead of relying on someone else to give/cast you that vision." Often, i wait for life to give me vision. Wait for tomorrow to come to propel me forward. But maybe, with a blank canvas, sometimes you just have to sit down and be in the present and see the way things are, and the way you hope they'll be in the future, the way you know they'll be in the distant future, and then make your way, day by day, living in the present moment, rejoicing in today and being all here, because the way we live today, whether it be with apathy or passion, will influence the way tomorrow plays out.

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.