things to look forward to this week.

. puces pop 2008: a free screen printing course on Saturday AND an arts and crafts fair.
. joining the Y: okay, so i'm not looking forward to this, but i'm sure my abs and my heart will eventually thank me.
. michael cera and nick and nora lovage.
. a yam burrito from burritoville.
. a teeth cleaning for $30

rainbows are made of sunshine and rain.

There's been a lot of rain over here on my end. But there's also patches of sunshine that allow me to know that everything will be alright.

" 'Now this is eternal life, that they may know you, the one true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.' What do you guys think this means?"

awe.

"Wow, that eternal life doesn't begin when we die, it's already started!! That's amazing!"

i'm so grateful for the girls in my discipleship groups.

and now..even georgie looks eloquent.

*you'll need to watch the 15s commercial.
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Faithful One.

i was crossing the street today on a green light, when a car turning left almost hit me. He honked angrily, and drove off, and my initial response was a sudden burst of anger. I don't know where it came from; I was just so angry at the injustice of it all. But anger quickly turned to sadness, and I cried all the way home. I know it sounds like such a silly thing to be sad over, but it's been a string of not so great weeks, and I don't know, I just felt so broken by it all.

To top it off, I haven't really known how to communicate with God lately. I haven't been walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I've believed the lies that I'm too tired and too weary to come to God and lay the burdens at His feet. At night, I have dreams that are immensely sad; I never remember what they are, but I wake up feeling beyond sad and fatigued as though I haven't slept well.

After the whole car episode, I came home and took a nap. I dreamt that I was sitting in a room, playing a guitar and singing the song Faithful One. I don't know why I'd be singing that song in my dream, since, like, no one has sung that song since the 90s. But I woke up, pulled out the guitar and played the song over and over again. And there was peace in my heart.

I love how God would go to the farthest depths, even to my dreams, to bring comfort.

Faithful One,
so unchanging,
Ageless One,
You're my rock of peace.
Lord of all,
I depend on You,
I call out to You,
again and again.
I call out to You,
again and again.

You are my rock,
in times of trouble.
You lift me up,
When I fall down.
All through the storms,
your love is the anchor,
My hope is in you alone.

because i won't go to church on saturdays.

i want to snowboard.

As soon as I said those words, I knew they sounded flaky and immature to the outside observer. I felt like I had to justify these words, and that even after the justification, people were still wondering why I was being so noncommittal.

I've always been the tough girl. The busy girl. The one people could turn to for counsel. The vault. I was always the one who would grab life by the horns and wrestle it down. But life for me changed in July. I was given a diagnosis of something I had known for a long time in my heart, but wasn't willing to admit aloud. Even now, I can't seem to type that diagnosis out for the whole world to see. That diagnosis, however, woke me up. It made me realize that I'm not invincible.

I've found myself to be really tired this year. It's a mix of factors, but in talking to the counsellor on Tuesday, I realize that it is very rare that I allow room for grace in my life. I love to please people and people and ministry have always taken priority in my life over myself.

Ever since grade 8, I've spent almost every weekend at church. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. In University, along with spending my weekends doing ministry, I added in Campus ministry. That's 10 years of ministry, almost day in day out. And I have never allowed myself grace to take a break. You know, on Thursday, I was feeling really drained after a long-ish morning/afternoon of interpersonal ministry. People drain me. I had about an hour in between my last discipleship appointment and my girls discipleship group, and so I considered resting. Instead, I picked up the phone and called a friend who I knew could use someone to talk to and just to catch up with. I was tired, and could have taken a break, but something inside me said, "Don't be lazy, Lydia. This girl needs you."

It's as though I have come to believe that I'm:

a) indispensable
b) not worthy of the grace that Sabbath affords.

Not committing to go to church on a Saturday night for fellowship, and moving our fellowship time to a Friday night instead, isn't really about snowboarding. It's about trusting God enough to say that I will take a full Sabbath on a Saturday, even though, for the past 10 years I've tried to maximize all my days. It's about knowing that the God I serve is a God of grace, and not a taskmaster who only looks upon those who are constantly working with favour. It's not as much about expedience and productivity as it is about being faithful. You know, Jesus didn't commend the second servant in Matthew 25 for being productive with the talents. He commended the servant because the servant was faithful with what He was given.

After 10 years of bad habits and draining ministry, it's time to make changes in my life. And some of these changes will mean that I will take Saturdays as my sabbath day to spend with the Lord and to just relax, without worrying about the prospects of the following day.

10 + 1 things.

10. the boosted headphones my friends gave me for my birthday

i love these! the sound is great, they're super cushy, they are vintage pink AND i feel pretty artsy-emo when i wear them!!

9. a saturday completely devoid of plans or responsibilities.

mm it was great to wake up late, go for lunch in the mile-end/plateau area and come back and nap.

8. the plateau

this neighbourhood is ridiculously "me". Bohemian enough to satiate my appetite, but not so bohemian that i feel like my life is threatened when i walk down the streets.

7. priscilla ahn

her music is fantastic! She's like a mix of Norah Jones and Rosie Thomas..

6. sing over me: worship songs and lullabies

i especially love the bethany dillon tracks.

5. equita chocolate

mm, my coworker and friend bought me a bar of equita chocolate (dark with earl grey nibs). it's SOO delicious, and leaves an earl grey tea aftertaste. miam miam! AND, even better...it's fair trade!!!

4. michael cera

i love the movie juno...and michael cera is just so ridiculously nerdy and charming at the same time!

3. barbecue tofu sandwiches

i've been making myself some tofu sandwiches lately. I just bake a couple of slices of tofu, brush some barbecue sauce on a st. viateur bagel, add a slice of cheese and then toast it altogether!

2. exuberance primary

this is the first font I've ever purchased. I used it for my recent newsletter, and I love that it's a sansserif font, and yet has a serif nature to it. It's extremely readable, and has a modern feel to it, without being TOO modern and boxy.

1. coconut cream chai

I fell in love with this tea earlier this year, and my best friend just sent me a HUGE package of this tea.

+1. flashpoint

oh my gosh, i love this tv show!!!! There are some episodes that aren't as good..but for the most part, it's great! i love the human face that there is...AND it's filmed in Toronto, and is unpretentious about it. mm. i think i watched like 4 episodes off the ctv website tonight.

2 months and 15 days.
it's been two months and fifteen days, and i still must say that i really like my nose piercing. i see it every day, and think to myself, "wow, I am SO glad that i did this."

sorry, warren. this is for you:

today i...

... went and had a quiet time at the plateau
... bought a sweater
... finally went and did a little bit of grocery shopping (first time in....a month?)
... got a wackload of admin stuff done, and sent a newsletter off for printing
... listened to lots of good music with the cute new vintage headphones my dear friends got me for my birthday
...cut my bangs all by myself!
... am loving navy blue paired with coral red
... will eat a barbecue tofu sandwich for dinner with some portobello mushroom and cheese nuggets.

today is...

... a better day.

[edit: and i went to see an outdoor movie with a great friend. complete with a vanilla bean latte at the end.]

hearing the love.

This week was one of the worst weeks i've ever had. Situationally, it wasn't that bad. Emotionally, it was craptastic beyond belief. i've been avoiding the world and their mother, and feeling like black is the new colour that everyone has to get used to at some point or another.

But one gesture and three people, helped me see that this too will pass. Each time i'll listen to the cacophony, i'll remember that i'll be okay. i'm not alone.

twenties.

i booked an appointment to talk. i've been feeling really sick in certain circumstances and situations. So much so, that my heart pounds and all i want to do is throw up. Tonight, i have a major headache from just too many people.

Nevertheless, God has been so faithful. i've had certain prayer requests answered, and the right types of people have been popping up in my life at the right time.

There are so many needs out there; so many people who, i feel, under normal circumstances, i could be there for and give good advice and a listening ear. But like my roommate told me today, "Don't ever feel like you're indispensable. You are not indispensable. The world will continue to turn without you." This is true. And is a good reminder. But i'd still like to be there for as many people as i can, and not just the bare minimum.

i want to feel better.

fixing.

Today was the first day I was willing to admit that I am broken.

not to get into politics or anything...

(and remember...all of the all postings, comments, opinions, and views on this site are entirely my own and don’t necessarily represent Power to Change or Campus for Christ’s ministry’s positions, strategies or opinion. )

but these two pictures and the video gave me a laugh today. And believe me, it's been awhile since the sun has broken through the clouds.



(thanks andy, for the following picture!)

... to quote our dear friend, Leonard...who is the power to change?





apparently..it's Jack Layton!!


also, while we're on the topic of politics...here's something put out by Focus on the Family. Seriously..is this a joke? Please, let this be a joke. Oh my goodness, what a laugh.



p.s. for my friends on rss feeds....haah it would be a wise move for you to remove me from your feed!! you'll be annoyed by how often i take things down and put things back up!!

i am sorry.

dear body,

i am sorry that today was the third time in a week that i have ingested mcdonalds. i am sorry to put you through this. It just tastes so good, i can't resist. And you never protest. You stay silent, grudgingly accepting the fact that i put you through hell. i know that in 10, maybe 20 years, your anger will be compounded enough to blow up at me (literally), but right now, you're in the saving face stage...so i'm gonna abuse this stage and eat more mcdonalds, i must confess.

yours truly,
lydia.

p.s. can't you just speed up that metabolism a little bit?

mulling.

"Here are my thoughts: You are a smart girl and very talented, but you're not used to relying on others in such a vulnerable way. I think that it is incredibly hard for you to ask for help, because you're the person that people usually go to for help. I think this is a form of pride."~ M.R.

"Don't feel like you have to put up a strong front to everyone, all the time, ok?" ~P.C.

today i am...

...disgusted by the fruit flies in my kitchen.
...too disgusted to go make food.
...hungry
...but too disgusted and fearful that one might fly into my soup to go and make soup
...immensely sad
...lonely
...embarassed
...tired
...wishing i had friends to eat dinner with
...but not wanting to go out and have to smile.

maybe tomorrow will be better. probably not.

seasons.

Lord i am waiting for this season to end.

Sometimes, I am so anxious for one season to end and for another to start that I miss out on what is good. But there are good things.

Things like getting bubble tea from friends, 2 days in a row. Things like getting a birthday card filled with starbucks lovage. Things like waking up to text messages with happy birthday wishes. Things like a random "music video" with pimple brow, captain shark, lame excuse and space face. Things like lunch with a dear, dear friend. Finding out that sushi may not be so bad, afterall. Things with only 3 letters and one exclamation point. Things like getting spammed with e-cards. Things like a small surprise party, and drinks with friends. Things like a new mug and more starbucks lovage. Things like a text message at 2 in the morning from an old friend.

During the darkest times, kindness and love mean so much more.

palindrome 2/RACECAR day.

hahaha i found this in my inbox this morning.

oh what a tangled web we weave.

Today, i learned a very good lesson. When you lie, you don't just lie once.

We've been having trouble with room bookings on campus, and so we found that the religious office was a great help. Instead of going through all the bureaucracy, you can just go to the chaplaincy office and book a room directly!

Anyways, today I went to the office to book a room. We have two events next week, and because of all the red tape at this campus, we had been unable to book. Thankfully, the people at this interfaith centre were really helpful! However, I got to the room, and realized I needed a student ID. I knew that if I waited to get a student to do the booking tomorrow, we might be out of luck. So I texted one of our students and asked her for her ID number, and filled out the form under her name, and signed her name. I knew she'd be okay with it, and it didn't seem like a big deal. Mistake #1.

The receptionist okayed everything, and so I asked if I could see the meeting room. We were on our way there, when I passed by the chaplain, who asked me my name. Automatically, I said, "Lydia." But I had signed the form with the name "Gloria". The receptionist turned to me and said, "Isn't your name Gloria?" Panicked, I said.. "Oh, those are both my names." Mistake #2. I should have just confessed..but I was panicked, and didn't want to lose our booking privileges. Forgery probably isn't such a hot idea. Even if you have permission to forge.

So the chaplain asked me why I had two names.

*gulp*

"Oh, well people call me lydia because it sounds like..err..my chinese name. Lee Dee AHHH." (that is not my chinese name at all!!)
"So how did you come up with gloria!"
"uhhh...oh, people in elementary school couldn't remember my name..so they called me gloria."
"so, do you like being called gloria or lydia?"
"uhh, lydia...since there is another gloria in our club."

later on tonight, when i was explaining the situation to gloria.

"so, gloria...if someone calls you and asks for lydia..you are lydia..and gloria. But, if you meet the chaplain in person, you're just gloria. a different gloria."

Moral of the story: do not lie. lying makes everything oh so complicated. and it is wrong. oh so wrong.

Sola scriptura.

I don't like challenging authority. Maybe it's because I've grown up in Chinese circles, where accepting (sometimes almost blindly) authority without questioning is something that happens a lot. Maybe it's because I hate conflict (and yet...love it!!). Whatever the reason, I don't like challenging authority.

Recently, I was in a position where I fundamentally disagreed with the manner in which someone in authority conducted something, and that night, I sat on a swing set in the dark and wrestled through what I should do. It was a hard decision for me. I don't often like rocking the boat, and I'm scared of coming across as arrogant or attempting to cause trouble. But I've always firmly held to the idea that scripture alone is my authority.

As we dialogued, a comment was made about that person being in authority. Another comment was made about how experience needs to be accounted for. My response was, "The Bible alone is my authority[...] and I will abide by THAT authority."

Whilst dialoguing (which would be a rather tame description), I realized that it is true. People will come and go in my life-- leaders will come and go-- but I will never prize human thoughts and experience over the word of God. 2 Cor 3:5 says that our sufficiency is from God and indeed I will submit to the authority of Scripture, because it has been inerrantly inspired by God and carries the FULL weight of His authority. I also realized how important it is that we know the Scriptures. Had I not known the context and the text of the Biblical passage, I would have looked like a fool, and would not have been able to contend for the truth.

The Bible clearly teaches that our faith should not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. So often, in my own life, I place my faith in leaders: in my pastors, in people in authority within the organization I work for, in friends. This is not to say that I should not listen to those in authority. But the Bible is clear (a la 1 Cor 2:5) that our authority is not found primarily in human wisdom but in the inerrant word of God. How important is it then, that I strive to not only know God's Word or the "sunday school answers", but know God's word, so that I may wield it and take ground (a la Eph 6:17). I don't want to believe because human authority says I should, but because the Word of God stands forever.

"... All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand
forever."~ Isaiah 40:1