on a life of radical faith.

"When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied they became proud; then they forgot me." Hosea 13:6.

Been thinking a lot about how even as Christians, we tend to shy away from living lives of radical faith. How I have been setting my eyes on the small things and feeling satisfied by them. You can probably even tell by how small and trivial my posts are. hmm... i've been reading a book that's been giving me lots of food for thought.

"What scares me most are the people who are lukewarm and just don't care. I think that if I did a poll of the readers of this book, many of you would say, 'Yeah, I am definitely lukewarm at times, but i'm not really at a place to give more to God.' Many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives....

When we put it plainly like this--as a direct choice between God and our stuff--most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing or rejecting Him....

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.
I know that this whole swimming-upstream, pursuing-Christ, taking-up-your-cross, counting-the-cost thing isn't easy. It's so hard, in fact, that Jesus said the road is narrow and few will actually find it... and fewer still among those who are rich. Like the parable of the sower, don't assume you are the good soil; don't assume you are one of the few on the narrow way."
~ Francis Chan, Crazy Love, p. 96-98

vespa vespa.

sam searched for said vespa.

he found one at a great price.

i put in a bid.

here's to hoping!! should seal the deal in 2 weeks.

like.

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

a delicious future afternoon.

icecream maker love
market for fruit to make said icecream
sewing something something for some upcoming bdays
goccoing thankyou cards for all the birthday fun. i'm thinking brown craft paper with gold ink.

can't wait.

the best self-shot i have ever taken...

no edits. i love the flare! thanks for helping me, sam!


what a great pre-birthday. vespa pics to come.

the next two days

can't wait!


after a really really really busy week, and a super busy day, i'm glad that tomorrow there are only 2 meetings.

and then... vespa time!

plan for the next 1.5 days:

• rent a vespa
• go riding on that vespa
• go on a picnic
• ride around in old port with a scarf and a balloon
• take pictures of said trip to old port
• watch the sun rise at beaver lake
• shop at jean talon market and use the vespa to carry groceries home
  
• ride around the plateau pretending to be boho
• return said vespa
• watch a movie
• hold hands.

the end.

birthday wish.

...that somehow, aban and shelly [edit: and maybe janeja, cause he's my thought twin] would end up on my doorstep for my birthday. kinda like santa claus or something. but i don't have a fireplace. and they have things called...wait for it... jobs.

reason #526.

because he would follow my suggestion and pay $20 for one piece of sushi. maybe partly to quench his guilt, but probably mostly to make me happy :)

on doubt.

"Let's say you're fairly confident that you have around 95% of your questions about God answered"; and I drew a bracket covering the diagram from 0 to 95. "Now, this professor is sowing seeds of doubt in the 5% area where you're more vulnerable. In your zeal to discover more truth about God--and because of your perfectionistic flesh patterns--you are setting your mind on the 5% you don't understand while virtually ignoring the 95% that you do understand. Your goal is noble: to increase your knowledge of God and His Word. But because you are not setting your mind on the truth which God has already taught you, your retention level is regressing from 95% to 90%, then to 88% and so on. The Deceiver's goal is to keep doing this to you until your faith becomes so weak that he can completely undermine your walk with Christ.
~ Dr. Bill Gillham

i scream, you scream...

tonight, i may have had the best ice cream i have had in a long while (if ever...).

oh my goodness.

72% dark chocolate goodness. The creaminess, the texture, the taste....

ahhhhh.

it was so ridiculously good, i had to blog about it...even though none of you probably care.

but for those of you who do..

Havre aux glaces. Atwater Market.

Monopoly!

Well... Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm super competitive. Tonight, we (SF&I) played monopoly with RH and AM until around 2:45am :) RH folded first... Then, after a long and painful death, so did AM. But the real battle started when it was just me and SF. In the end, he completely trounced me. COMPLETELY. I growled and pretended to be mad. But truthfully, there's something nice about knowing my boyfriend beat me at monopoly. Something comforting. Silly, I know. But maybe it's because I know he's someone I'd respect enough to follow.


-- Post From My iPhone

swoon.


i am in love with balloons. i want to watch this film.

and apparently i can, on google video! woot!

a thing for lace :)

i think...lace is in. And if it isn't, i hearby declare it to be in! Very japanese ya know?

Anyways, since making the purse back in June, i've wanted to make another one...with a little bit more room and a thicker fabric on the bottom. So..today i did with some scrap fabric i had lying around! My favourite part is the detail you can't see: the magenta thread used to sew the lace on, with a seafoam green thread on the reverse side.
Were i do do this again, I'd make the purse a bit more slim, but i like the length..and i put in a thick interfacing this time, so the bag feels a lot more sturdy :)

lace! you are my new friend!

i had an old pair of jeans that were too short..

everyone cuts up their jeans and makes them into shorts..so i decided to sew some lace on :)

voila!

i feel lost.

(and i got home and my bed wasn't made! the ocd in me says "grr!")

here's a question..

where is the line between guarding your heart, and yet trusting someone and not living with fear that a relationship could end at any time?

on goodness.

You know, i never thought i'd be the kind of person to miss someone else. True words. I know, i sound kinda sociopathic, or at least very anti-social personality disordered...

But it's true. My parents have always raised me to be independent, and from a very young age, i would go on trips without them (notable ones include: Toronto at 13, China at 12, Japan at 14). Because of this, i don't really get homesick much. At least, not for people. I might miss their presence, but i never get all mushy and heartsick.

So coming to Colorado, i shocked myself when i cried the night i said goodbye to SF. I even feel silly for saying this, but being here without him has been hard. Today, he left Monts for a roadtrip with his family across eastern Canada. On Sunday, i was convinced it would be the last time i'd talk to him for awhile (since we didn't know if he would find a wifi connection, and calling using a cell phone racks up something like $1.80/minute regardless of whether i call him or he calls me). So when skype wasn't working and kept cutting him off, i started bawling into the phone.

Me! Bawling over a guy? i never thought i'd be that person. haha. Perhaps i have too much pride in my nonexistent holding-the-tears-in ability. Because bawl i did. When it turned out that he was staying in Montreal for an extra day, and i talked to him the next day, i bawled again. Saying goodbye again was difficult. (Ahh it all sounds so cheesy). He ended off by saying that we needed to trust God with this situation and our relationship, and i thought to myself, "i know i should trust God with this but..."

...what if we don't get to talk for a whole month?
...what if he decides he doesn't like me when he's gone?
...what if You aren't as good as You say you are?
...what if, what if what if?

Tonight, in the middle of nowheresville, he popped online and both of us had really great wifi connections. We were even able to video chat; it was a even better than the skype-to-phone conversations we've been having in previous weeks. And again, what a great (and simple..because obviously i need simple for my stubborn and unbelieving heart...) reminder that despite the dreary nature of the situation, despite how morose the outlook seems, God is still good, and is in the business of doing good. Even if we can't see the end from the beginning, He can, and He is good. And even if i weren't able to talk to SF, he'd still be good. Because He IS good. Good isn't just a part of Him, as though it is just a fraction that makes up His whole. No, He IS good, in totality. The definition of good. the source of good. Good itself.

My not-so-good heart doesn't always believe and doesn't always trust, but thank Goodness He is patient..and good.

on new perspectives.

You know, one of the things i'm liking the most about being at IBS is just the vast variety of perspectives that exist amongst staff members. Sometimes, being in Canada, with a small community of staff, i find myself getting into a rut in terms of thinking (and the practical implications of these patterns of thought). In any community, there's a trend to kind of think the same way or hold the same opinions and do things, do life the same way.
Being here at IBS has been really refreshing, because there are so many more staff here in the States, and with the larger population, comes more varying perspectives.

This past week, my TA for Bible Study Methods met up with me, and he mentioned that he strongly feels that I should consider pursuing post-graduate studies. That my quality of work and work-ethic definitely demonstrate that I would be a good fit to pursue a Master's and a potential doctorate.

Interesting.

Sometimes, i feel as though in the Christian community that i find myself in, there is only one way for a woman to do things. Get married, have kids, become a stay at home mom. I've entertained the thought of doing an MDiv or something of the sort, but the perspective that seems to get passed around is, "If you are a woman and you are married, this path is your only choice. Staying at home is the only way you could be a loving mother." It's not as though this is explicitly stated (although, i have heard this repeated, multiple times). But sometimes, when there is only one way modelled, it is hard to conceive of life being any other way.
(note: Yes, there are woman on staff or in christian communities who have completed MDivs, but, they are often--not always--but often, single women)

So even having this encouragement was a big thing for me. Especially coming from a middle-aged man. It's one thing for it to come from a woman (beware, God-forbid... could she be a... a.. feminist!), but it's a nice thing to hear from a middle-aged man who has a wife and kids.

There are other perspectives, practical life perspectives, that i'm also gleaning from. It's nice to meet godly people who dated for more than a year before getting married; nice to eat lunch with a group of guys, and treat them like brothers, instead of segregating into male and female camps; nice to just meet people who are so completely different than me, so completely different than us, with their southern drawls and all.

At the risk of sounding po-mo, it's just been good to glean different perspectives from equally "godly"/"spiritual" people and enjoy their company just as much as i enjoy the company of those back home.(bible study methods tutorial class 2009)

on beauty.

"Here's the thing to do. First thing when you wake up in the morning, without fixing anything, without brushing your teeth or combing your hair or taking a shower or putting on makeup, look in the mirror. If you cannot say that you are beautiful, you probably have the wrong idea of how God views His creation." ~Dr. Alan Scholes

i guess i have an incorrect view of how God views me, and by extension, others as well.

AMAZING!

hahah this video is SO inspiring. Watch and be amazed.



favourite parts:

undressing, putting on the pants and the TIE (OH MY GOSH, EPIC BRILLIANCE!)!

from far far away.

if your main love language is quality time...how do you reconcile this if you are far away and not feel neglected?

i am here!

well friendlies, i am here in hot colorado! Sitting outside in a parking lot because there is a wifi connection i can find here. i am pretty sure mosquitoes are feasting on me.. i feel bugs landing on me.

oh the things one will do for wifi.

Things here have been INTENSE. There has been so much work, that it's hard to keep up! But let me tell you, having a s.f. has made me DISCIPLINED!!! Because I know that i want to talk to him during the day or at night, i know that i have to be disciplined in making my choices over what i'll do and whether i'll party or not. So far so good. i studied for 6 hours yesterday (or maybe more!) and then another 4 today and after this, i'll go back and study more. So if you're wondering why i've disappeared..well.. yeah. Blogging will take a backseat.


But i WILL leave you with this thought from one of my textbooks:

"How was it possible for God to become man? The clearest answer from Scripture comes from Philippians 2, where Paul wrote that Christ Jesus "emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men" (v. 7). The exact meaning of this word "emptied" has been debated by Christian thinkers for more than sixteen hundred years. Of what, exactly, did Jesus empty HImself? Some say that the second person of the Trinity gave up His deity while on earth as Jesus. This is clearly unbiblical because, as we saw above, Jesus was God while on earth. Many modern evangelicals have argued that He only veiled His glory or added humanity to His deity. My problem with these less radical suggestions is that while they preserve the deity of Christ, they do not help answer the question of how God could live as a finite human.
The view I find the most attractive (and hold at a persuasion level) is that Jesus chose voluntarily not to use His infinite attributes during His earthly life. This explains why Jesus sometimes did not know things and had other limitations that go with being human. 'But what about the times when Jesus prophesied the future or performed miracles?' someone might object. 'Didn't He exercise His omniscience or omnipresence at those times?' My answer is that Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit for supernatural powers just as HIs disciples did. If this view is true, it means that Jesus is our perfect example of the Spirit-filled life--He depended on the Holy Spirit just as we must."~ Dr. Alan Kent Scholes

To me, that's pretty amazing. I mean, if Jesus depended on the Holy Spirit, how much more must i, being prone to sin and depravity?

my friends make me cry.

from powered by tofu shirts from S.F., to a COMPUTERIZED sewing machine from Gamoon&co., to Stila from Shelly, to a subscription for UPPERCASE magazine from Aban..all this in about a week.

i felt overwhelmed this morning. i'm prone to feeling lonely here in Monts, but days like today remind me that i have such lovely friends who care.

2 more reasons why s.f. is great.

i got this in the mail today, with a note that said, "Surprise!" It wasn't really a surprise, but i was still happy to get it! (okay it's backwards when you take a pic with photobooth, but you get the gist!)


Also, i like him because he said i could put this picture on my blog. Well, i believe his exact words were, "Do what you want, but you need to know, everything is reciprocal. Not threatening you, or anything."

But, i'm not really worried about retaliation. i think he's too nice to retaliate. And besides, i'm all about the instant gratification that i will receive upon posting this. MUAHAHAHA.

(leggings featured are from TNA).

posting frenzy.

i really want to order this magazine. it looks SO amazingly delicious. But it's $72 for a quarterly subscription. i think i'll hem and haw over this for a bit, but in the end, i might spring for it. We shall see.

link of the day.

i cannot tell you how much i absolutely adore this designer.

sadly, i am too po for this designer.

2 options:

1. become rich

2. learn how to sew really really really well.

another reason why i like s.f. (he told me to title this blog: why other girls lost out.)

Today, s.f. spent 5 hours on the phone with my cell phone provider for me.

5 hours !

i spent 5 minutes on the phone with the customer relations guy near the end of s.f.'s 5 hours, and i thought i would punch said customer relations guy through the phone.

The story is far too long to tell, but it involves countless hours on the phone with said company. i'd estimate (including today's phone call) it involves at least 8-9 hours of calls. Shelly calls it a saga. i'd say..it is an EPIC saga. They sold me a plan that wouldn't work unless i purchased data. Why would you sell a customer a plan if they can't even use it unless they spend MORE money?

SCAMS.

But, of course, s.f. is more of a rockstar than those scammers. He managed to get me an amazing deal!! A steal of a deal! A deal that is even better than his plan! So, my plan went from being almost $100/month without data, to....

250 day time minutes
unltd eve (starting at 8) & weekends
unltd incoming calls, unltd texts + MMS
call display, who called
visual voicemail
500MB data

all for $42.

Oh, and they gave me $150 in credit too.

***
S.F. is such a great and caring rockstar. AND he is like kevin spacey in 'the negotiator'.

i think i like him.

littlest things.

i took the past weekend to recharge and visit my former housemate from university in New York. We went to a craft fair i've wanted to visit for the past two years, hung out, talked about spiritual things. The weather was warm, and i think my heart was warmed a bit too.

Some people might laugh when i say this, but i really do think that the spiritual darkness that exists here in Quebec impacts the depression and consequent spiritual depression that i face on a cyclical basis. i've struggled with depression for much of my life, but it has never been as hard to endure as it has been here in Montreal.

So whenever i leave Monts for a little bit, i always come back feeling recharged and just a little bit more hopeful. This weekend was really good in particular for me. i was reminded of my love of sharing the gospel, reminded of my love of art and music and food. Little things that would seem so ordinary most of the time really warmed my heart.

It might also sound funny, but my creativity, i find is also often very linked with how i am doing spiritually. Somehow, i know that when i take a good picture, it isn't because of me. When i draw, it isn't from me. For the past while, lydia + the arts= mediocre at best. But the trip to New York has set me on an upswing, i feel. Since December, i haven't really pulled out my camera apart from a few shots at Martha's Vineyard. Today, i have an inkling to pull out film and have some fun. Music has come alive to me. When i play my violin, i feel like it's that extra part of my soul that i've been missing out on.

Oh, and i've been sewing too! My friend in NY taught me how to use a sewing machine, and off i went! So far, it's just a purse and a handmade doll (okay, so the doll is super ugly, but give me grace...i've never sewed a doll before!)

Small things. Little things, ya know? Probably the littlest things to most. But one small step at a time.

blessings.

. going to a craft fair i've wanted to go to for the past 2 years
. seeing old friends
. eating cupcakes from magnolia bakery
. sewing a purse (pictures to come, once i'm done the lining ^_^)
. muji 0.38 refillable pens with a gel grip
. finally purchasing the blackbird, fly TLR
. having s.f. come welcome me home at the airport (i've decided to call special friend, s.f.)
. trying out mango green tea lemonade from starbucks
. sitting and listening to music whilst chatting with Jesus.
. getting fabric to sew a plushie for the first time
. being offered a free sewing machine from a friend after twittering about it

my life is chock full of blessings. i don't always remember this, but i especially feel it today.

. mcdonalds filet-o-fishes when i'm sad
. bubble tea when i'm mad
. a clean desk makes me glad
. hours upon hours with rogers, yielding a way better phone plan, saving me scads

swoon.

on wilderness.

i've been thinking a lot lately about the wilderness. Many days, in the past few years, i've been feeling like i've been out in the wilderness, wandering, lost. i came to Montreal, a confident person with lots of friends and a desire to see change happen. i thought in moving here, i was moving towards reaching the city: thought i would make many friends, thought i would see people come to Christ, thought i would grow in my walk with God and love Him even more than ever.
But instead, in moving here, i feel like i've become broken here. That instead of moving towards the city, i've headed towards the wilderness, and for awhile, despite some open patches with sunny skies, i've mostly been lost and wandering around.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2:14

So often, i've read this passage and thought to myself, "Wow, what a beautiful passage. Oh, how i would love to be allured into the wilderness." But as i think about it more, the wilderness is actually a scary place. It's a place largely void of people. And one has to question, are the people there people you can trust, or are they hunters, ready to devour their prey? It's a solitary place, alienated from the rest of the world.
The wilderness i have been in has been a really scary place. At first, i gave everyone my heart, just desperately wanting companionship on my journey in the wilderness. But having lately found it returning bruised and hurting, i am more wary. And weary. i have a hard time giving my heart away. Hunters you see.
And then came the loneliness. The overpowering loneliness.

Most lately, fear has come. Fear of making friends and fear of keeping them. i enter into situations with my hackles raised, my teeth ready to be bared and ready to claw my way out of things. i try to isolate myself before i am isolated, because it feels so much better to have said "i don't need you," than to be told, "We don't want you." There's a fear of stepping out in faith, because this wilderness is cold and dark, and there's no way to tell what could be next.

How is this wilderness good, i've asked. And He has said it is good, because He has brought me here, so that i will only trust in Him and be with Him alone. It is good, because the wilderness is the only place where the din of downtown, the chaos of the city exists not. You see, He wants to speak tenderly with me. But He does not shout to be heard. He whispers quietly, ever so quietly, like One who feeds deer in the forest. Were He to approach and shout, He would just startle the creature, the deer's neck would twitch upward and there would be a gaze full of fear. Instead, He whispers quietly, and holds His hand out, so that the deer, panting for water, will come to Him, ever so cautiously. He waits and continues to whisper, until the deer feels His breath upon her neck. Water has arrived for the deer as she has longeth for it.

And maybe that is why the wilderness is good. It is good because He has brought me here. But before i can enjoy the wilderness, all the Baals in my mouth must be relinquished. And so the wilderness forces me to let go of my lovers, and forget my fears. And like the deer, before He can quench my thirst, i have to be still, and feel His breath upon my neck, and listen to His silent whispers, instead of the shouts of condemnation and fear. They will be whispers telling me that i am His and He is mine. Whispers telling me that He loves me and has made me His.

And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.
And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD.~ Hosea 2:18-21a

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away. ~ Isaiah 35

redemption.

Today, i did something so completely horrible, something wretched and vile.
i didn't know i could fall so far.

Though i still await the consequences of what i have done, today, i also saw the complete sweetness of His forgiveness and mercy.

Then, at 2am today, God used this horrible and vile act, and moreso, the accompanying gleanings i learned to be of use in His Kingdom.

Somehow, that is really beautiful to me. i guess that is what redemption is. Taking an ugly, stained sinner, and transforming them into something much better.

Though i don't know what will happen tomorrow, what the earthly consequences will be, i am so astounded by grace. i guess it's by that grace that i will live tomorrow.

Equally Skilled ~ Jon Foreman

How miserable I am
I feel like a fruit-picker who arrived here
After the harvest
There's nothing here at all
There's nothing at all here that could placate my hunger
The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left alive
Here on the planet
We're all murderers and thieves
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of our hands, Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly arriving
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife
For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even her mother
Look, your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands
Are equally skilled at doing evil
Equally skilled at bribing the judges
Equally skilled at perverting justice
Both of their hands, Both of their hands

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again
Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light
I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs I've done
Against Him
After that, He'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of His hands
are equally skilled at ruining evil
equally skilled at judging the judges
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands

Both of His hands
are equally skilled at showing me mercy
Equally skilled at loving the loveless
Equally skilled administering justice
Both of His hands, Both of His hands


maybe Micah 7 says it better...

Micah 7

Woe is me! For I have become as when the summer fruit has been gathered,
as when the grapes have been gleaned;
there is no cluster to eat,
no first-ripe fig that my soul desires.
The godly has perished from the earth,
and there is no one upright among mankind;
they all lie in wait for blood,
and each hunts the other with a net.
their hands are on what is evil, to do it well;
the prince and the judge ask for a bribe,
and the great man utters the evil desire of his soul;
thus they weave it together.
The best of them is like a brier
the most upright of them a thorn hedge.
The day of your watchmen, of your punishment, has come;
now their confusion is at hand.
Put no trust in a neighbor;
have no confidence in a friend;
guard the doors of your mouth
from her who lies in your arms;
for the son treats the father with contempt,
the daughter rises up against her mother,
the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
a man's enemies are the men of his own house.
But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the LORD
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my case
and executes judgement for me.
He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

i love it when life is caught with just the right morning light.

blank canvas.

It seems to me that if i have loads of free time to spare, i should be able to spend more time doing all the things i love, like writing, reading, shooting (pictures not guns), and crafting and playing music.
But the phenomenon seems to be that when there is a blank canvas of time, i become a slothful monster who ambles out of the cave only to find food and retires right after to meet Sleep.

Isn't this the way things often are? We long for summertime, but then summertime comes and is wasted away in the blink of an eye. We long for boyfriends or marriage or kids, but before we know it, life has passed by, and the only wish that seems to be left is to travel back to the past and relive it, because we missed out on it while we were waiting for the future to come.

i was thinking about this recently, but it seems to me that we spend a lot of time living in the future. Hoping for things to come. Bargaining with Future for things to be different tomorrow. The thing is, we can't really live in two places at once, and so if we live in the future, we can't really live in the present. And maybe thats why, once we're in the future, we live in the past, mulling over those failed times, sharing the past with Regret.

i know this is a simple little moral that we've all heard before, and perhaps Jim Elliot summed it up the best when he said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."

Today, i was sitting with my director, and he said something that struck me. It went something to the effect of: "The more of a leader you become, the more you have to create your own vision instead of relying on someone else to give/cast you that vision." Often, i wait for life to give me vision. Wait for tomorrow to come to propel me forward. But maybe, with a blank canvas, sometimes you just have to sit down and be in the present and see the way things are, and the way you hope they'll be in the future, the way you know they'll be in the distant future, and then make your way, day by day, living in the present moment, rejoicing in today and being all here, because the way we live today, whether it be with apathy or passion, will influence the way tomorrow plays out.

Firekites - AUTUMN STORY - chalk animation from Lucinda Schreiber on Vimeo.

mundane.

These days, everything just feels so mundane. Life, spirituality, work, fun, friends. All mundane. And even the mundane is becoming mundane.

i feel lost. Like there ought to be something more. There is something more. i just don't know how to get there. There are days, like today, when i play music, i catch a glimpse of that moreness. But even that is fleeting.

Then i sit down and feel empty. i think to myself, He said life wouldn't be empty. That life wouldn't be meaningless. But it feels empty and meaningless. Boring and mundane. Then i wonder if i have Him. Maybe i just think i do but i don't. And then i think to myself that these are lies i am listening to. And i vow to keep silent, because what kind of missionary thinks these thoughts?

But the silence becomes deafening, and i wish i knew. Wish i knew where He's gone, even though i know He's right here. Wish i knew how to face this sickness that seems to overcome me each time i think i am out of its grasp. Wish it was in the sad times that i would be sad, instead of just the mundane that would make me sad.

Many days, i wish a lot of things, know a lot of things, but i also desire to feel a lot of things while at the same time, feeling whole lot less.

all in a days' work.

Martha's Vineyard in the morning, Boston midmorning and afternoon, Toronto at night!

i guess that's just the life of a superhero !

ingredients of a great day.

sleeping in
lunch overlooking the harbour
a quiet time on lawn chairs placed in lush grass, also overlooking the harbour
riding beach cruiser bikes around the island and ending up on a sandy beach
dairy queen blizzards
cooking soup for dinner and hands that end up smelling like dill and garlic
watching August Rush

on insecurity.

Insecurity is a weird, funny little thing. It's the type of thing your mind knows is irrational but your heart can't help but feel.

It's that feeling when you wake up, shower, put on makeup, and even though to everyone else, you look the same as always, ugliness seems to follow you around. It's that feeling that says 'maybe if you were cuter, smaller, cheerier, he'd like you more' or that feeling that says 'He'll like her more than he likes you, because she's cuter, smaller and cheerier' or 'He's going to change his mind about me."

And on those insecure days, it often doesn't matter what anyone else tells you. It's just one of those days.

Today, hundreds of miles from home, where no one else sees me except my best friend, is one of those days. A day where my mind knows it's silly to mull over things or feel insecure over things, but my heart just seems to want it's little pity party.

But it's also a day where God's grace has seemed to flow abundantly, and i guess it's during the days of insecurity that we need to cling to that grace more than ever. Because everything in this world is fleeting and passing away (cf James 4:14) and beauty and adornments are fleeting (Prov 31:30) but there is One who is solid (Matthew 7:24-25) and He does not waver and grow tired (Isaiah 40).

things i will do in toronto and MV/boston.

. eat at sweetflour bakery with C and K.
. go to the new anthropologie (my heart is SO ridiculously happy that there is one in canada...finally!)
. go for korean food with church friends
. go for kbbq with E& J and S
. take Sam to the distillery district and queen street west
. eat street meat
. picnic at U of T with Sam
. see A, G, SB, F too

. marrimekko fabrics
. stil
. lobster and seafood, here i come!
. rent vespas and ride around the island with S.
. visit a real lighthouse?

on mornings like today, i realize that spiraling back into depression is a very real possibility, and that scares me.

so i think i will go out and enjoy the sun !

my friend Sara.

A couple of years ago, i was really good friends with a girl named Sara. She was one of my best friends. We'd talk almost every day for hours. i remember lying on my bed on the phone with her, and there would be moments of silence, but it wasn't awkward or weird. Just comfortable, like good friends always are. She'd visit and we'd have a blast.

But life happened, and we didn't really talk much anymore. Our phone calls became fewer and farther between. Sin got in the way, and we talked even less. And soon, it seemed too hard to pick up the phone, because i didn't know how to update her on how my weeks were going.

It's been a year and a half since i've heard her voice. I'd think about her often. Wonder how she was doing, wonder what new things were happening in her life. i guess i missed her. i guess i miss her.

Recently there were some efforts to, i dunno, make things right.

But time changes things, and sometimes it's harder to go back to the way things were. And though you wish that you could go back to the days of phone calls in pajamas that spanned hours, lasting into the deep night, reality tells you that that may not be the case.

Sometimes, i feel this way with God. Life gets in the way, and after awhile, He feels like a stranger. After an even longer while, i don't know how to update him, don't know how to be with him. And i miss him. i think about him often. But i don't know how to make things right, i don't know how to make the silence a comfortable silence once more. i spend time wishing i could go back to the times when being with him was like a phone call lasting into the early hours of the morning.

i was reminded tonight that my relationship with God isn't like my relationship with Sara. That unlike any other human relationship, God isn't going anywhere. He hasn't gone anywhere. i don't need to make things right; he made things right 2000 years ago. There will be times of silence. Times when my life will get in the way; times when my sin will keep me away. And in those moments, i will need to fight, but it will not be a fight to bring Him back. He is always there. It will be a fight with myself to believe that he is still there, a fight with myself to make myself approach him, a fight with myself to be with him, when the easier thing to do would be to just hang up the phone.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Heb 4:16

"I will not leave you or forsake you." Jos 1:5b

a man after my own heart...

i walk into the store. i am on a hunt for a monthly format agenda where i can see the whole month on one page. all i can see are those wretched moleskine notebooks.

i ask the man if he has anything other than moleskine.

He looks at me with a knowing smile and nods, "You want something nicer than those banal moleskines, eh?"

"yes," i reply solemnly.

He leads me over to a hidden shelf and pulls out the first agenda.

i tell him i don't like the font.

Again, he nods at me knowingly, "oh yes, you must have your helvetica, right dear?"

Yes. The helvetica is very important to me, i tell him.

i can already see that this man understands my heart.

He goes into a back storage room and pulls out an agenda with a wretched wretched cover. He tells me not to judge the book by it's cover. and when he opens it, i see why. it is Helvetica in all her glory. grey lines instead of black. Cream paper instead of white. Heavy weight paper, instead of cheap paper.

We head to the cash and he tells me to come back next january. Though they are out of stock, he tells me he knows i will absolutely adore the typographic calendars they have. i seem like one who enjoys typography, he ventures.

what a man!

on talking about the unknown.

Have you ever noticed that when most people start dating they quit blogging? i guess it makes sense; once you start dating, your life isn't really only yours anymore. There's suddenly the other person to consider. You start to consider their time, their feelings, their thoughts, and even the mundane things like which bag of chips they'd prefer. So maybe that's a part of why people quit blogging. Maybe another part of it is that when you're with someone, you have that person to process with, and you don't seem to need to write about the banal things in life, because well, you have a person to share in those banal moments with.

And it's not just blogging. No one ever really talks about dating much when they're actually dating, do they? There's a lot of marrieds who talk about dating, and then there's a lot of singles who talk about dating. Where are the daters who talk about dating? This also makes sense, i suppose. i mean, i'm finding dating to be this weird nebulous phase in life. It's this phase where you're committed enough to someone that you factor them into a lot of decisions you make (more and more as time passes), and yet, you don't really know how things will turn out. It's a phase where you inevitably start to trust someone with your heart more and more, and yet don't want to give your heart over completely, because, well, there's that verse that tells you to guard your heart with all diligence. It's this phase where hanging out with married couples is still a bit weird, but where hanging out with the singles as a couple is also a bit weird and awkward. It's a phase where when you walk into a Christian bookstore, there's a shelf for the singles, and a shelf for the marrieds, and the dating books are kinda tucked into the former or the latter, with no real shelf of its own.

All round, dating is a bit of an awkward phase.

i wish people talked about it more. Not just from a nostalgic "i'm now married" point of view, nor from a "i wish i was dating" point of view, but from a dating point of view. i wish people wouldn't just talk about the cliché topics like purity and getting-to-the-marriage-phase, even if these are important topics. i wish people who are dating would talk about the almost-mundane, and yet not mundane topics. i wish people would have told me that most of my single friends would avoid me like the plague, or that loneliness still exists even when you have someone to be with every day. Or that maybe the loneliness is even worse, because some of the people you love and trust the most, but who are single, don't really know how to comfort you when there's a problem, or don't even want to be around you because they assume you don't want to be around them. i wish people would tell you that somehow, your life changes and many of your other relationships change, even when you don't want them to. Or how even your relationship with yourself changes, because you don't only see yourself from your own lens, but you start to see yourself from the lens of the other person. Sometimes it's a good thing, but often, it's a painful thing, because growing is painful and loving is painful and learning things about yourself isn't easy.

Sometimes, i want to talk about all the good things that a relationship brings, like sharing that knowing glance with the other person that says "i know you and i are thinking the same thing right now," or having someone to hold your hand when you're crying about something that doesn't even matter and still not feeling judged. Things like the way you feel when you see that person and he takes your breath away, and then teaches you something about Grace and takes your breath away even more. Things like how you both love fish filets, even when no one else does, and how you'll sneak away before going to someone's house for dinner, just to go in search of that clandestine filet-o-fish. Things like how that person remembers the things you seem to forget and helps you learn to care more than you ever thought possible and remember the things they forget. Things like how you pick up the blanket on your couch and when it smells like the person, it brings a smile to your face. Things like how you just seem to fit, and even if you don't know what the future holds, you seem to enjoy the present more.

But i also somehow feel like talking about these things is also taboo, because of a myriad of reasons, but mostly because somehow i fear that celebration brings disapproval. That i'll become that girl that no one likes, who talks about her relationship incessantly and how great it is, when no one else really cares.

i don't know. i don't know where tomorrow will take me. Where it will take us. And sometimes, there's a fear of talking about the unknown. But i also wish that people would talk more about the unknown, because though the unknown is nebulous and foreign, and isn't as easy to navigate as i once thought, it's a pretty great place to be, and just even speaking of the unknown makes it feel a bit more friendly. At bit less intimidating and a bit more natural.

i knew when i decided to go into full-time ministry, things would be hard. i never thought Christian friends would avoid me because of my occupation though.

OH MY FRIGGING GOODNESS..


THE LATEST CHUCK EPISODE WAS AMAZING......IT WAS BLOG WORTHY..THAT'S HOW GOOD IT WAS.

WHA WHA WHAT!!!

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace...

i don't know when i became so insecure.

nothing like change to bring out the carnal nature...

i don't think i deal with change well. Actually, that's an understatement. any minute change in life for me is akin to the way an ant must feel when its entire colony is trampled over by a herd of wild boars. Devastated.

The thing is, some changes you can prepare for. Others come so suddenly, that you don't know what hit you. But the worst kind of change is the slow and subtle change; the kind of change where you don't realize things have changed or have to change, but you wake up one morning and think, wow where have you been lately, because things in your life are different and... how did this even happen?

And then you find yourself crying in a Starbucks, for god knows what reason, mad at someone for something you're not really mad about, wishing they wouldn't respond in anger but knowing they have every right to be mad, since you're mad at them for something that you shouldn't even be mad about and that you're not really mad about; wishing they would ask you what's wrong, but knowing that you don't really know what's wrong, and you don't know how to explain really, except by saying that looking at all the soy sauce bottles at T&T is just too overwhelming and which soy sauce, for the love of god, do you choose?

When it comes down to it, it's not really the soy sauce. It's not the multitudes of choices that makes things hard. It's the change. It's the new life that you're living, the adjustment. It's the precarious structure of the scaffolding that is just being built that makes every slight drop of rain feel like a shock that sends reverberations down into the earth, when really, we all know that a little rain doesn't hurt anyone.

i guess that's the moment where you have to make a decision to believe that despite all the change, despite the fact that you are a change-hypochondriac, HE does not change, HE loves you all the same, HE has brought this change into your life for good and that HE will help you along the way.

Sometimes that change will come in the form of someone with lavender bubble tea at your door, a peace offering if you will, even when you were in the wrong and should be the one buying that someone bubble tea, as an apology for leading the crusade of self-pity. And that moment helps you know, believe, that many times, change isn't all that bad.

Actually, it's sometimes pretty good.

things i am looking forward to...

. end of april to early may: spending a couple of days in toronto with special friend.
. a week in may for vacation: roadtrip to martha's vineyard and boston with shelly.
. end of may: special friend convocates
. july: Institute of Biblical studies in Colorado, and staff training in Abbotsford, a weekend in Vancouver, and staff conference in Whistler.

Isaiah 35:1



sometimes i look at the ground and things are dry and life is sparse.
and then i look up at the sky, and i know that even in the desert times, He is as majestic as ever.

on sin and the sinner.

The thing about growing up in a Christian home is that all too often it is easy to become blasé about the sinful nature. At least, i know for me it is. It's as though intellectually i know i am a sinner, not just prone to sinful acts, but on the heart level, my sinful nature rarely leaves me feeling ashamed or convicted.

It's remarkably easy to brush off sin, or to know there is sin in my life and work on it, but not passionately desire to be rid of said sin. When you grow up learning about the law/rules/morality in Sunday School, it's so facile to believe that you are a good person. Mmm a little sin there? Oh that's okay, just work on getting rid of it slowly.

The problem is, the Bible does not treat sin this lightly. It does not regard sin as a deviant fixture in our lives that can be fixed like a painting on the wall. It's not the painting that is crooked, it's our hearts; it's the morphology of our DNA that is crooked and in shambles, just like a rotting house, crumbling to bits.

"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and^W)"> the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

This is what Paul says in Romans about the condition of the human heart. i am not good. And it is a lie to believe that i could be anything otherwise by my own morality and good "christian conscience."

Today, for the first time in a long time, i realized just how sinful i am. i saw how destructive my sin nature is, and how dangerous it is to not pay heed to the severity of this nature.

Morality is not a substitute for God.

Sometimes, i trust the persuasion that says, "i am a good person, i would never do that," when there is no doubt, sans God restraining me (with or without my knowledge), i would probably be a whoring, perfidious kleptomaniac (have i ever said that sometimes i have a strong desire to pickpocket, just for the sake of the thrill?)* with a really bad emo haircut.

As i saw my sin, i was broken. Shamefaced. i saw how my sin had repercussions that were too large to hide, too deeply etched in to buff out, too severe to ignore, and i cried out saying, "i don't know how to change."

You see, once you come face to face with the idea that sin is serious and grave, you realize that it isn't the law that can save you. It doesn't matter how many rules you put into place, how moral of a person you are. Romans 3:28 says, "For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law."

As i realized this, i was led to Isaiah 54:

Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer.

And then i knew that though the morphology of my DNA is crooked, through Redemption, i have been given new life, new DNA. i knew that the only One who can cause change in my heart, the only one who has made me righteous is Jesus Christ (cf. Romans 3:22), and the only way fruit has been produced in my life has been through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me. He is the new DNA, that knowing this, the simple Gospel truth, is so much more freeing than living according to my morality or to the standard of "Christian" that was set out for me, so many years ago when i was in sunday school, being taught about how to be a good person.

*to clarify, i don't actually act on this desire! not out of my "goodness", but mostly because i am too much of a pansy to put myself in precarious positions, and also because i am no matt damon in oceans 11. butterfingers. oh yeah, and i believe in Jesus, and i don't think mr. Jesus would want me to do such a thing. So because i love him, i won't. don't you worry your little heart.

on cell phones and buses.

i get to the airport last evening, and in big block letters: "JL 710 flight is CANCELLED."

My cousin, who brought me to the airport asks, "Is that your flight?" and i wave my hand dismissively, saying, "Nah, that's not my flight..." until i looked at my eticket, and realized it was indeed my flight.

So eventually, i hop on a different flight and make it to Japan. In Japan, i have to take a bus to terminal 2, so i head towards that area, and see people lounging around. When does the bus come, i ask.

"In one hour," they reply.
"One hour??"

i sit down, and pull out my cell phone, and apparently, cell phones don't get service here; at least not the cell phones that the rest of the globe uses, because Japan is too high tech for the rest of us.

i don't get it. Every other airport in the world has a bus or a train that shuttles between terminals at least every 15 minutes. This one has bus service every hour. !!! . So their bus service runs like it's the stone ages, but their cell phone service is so advanced that the majority of people from the 21st century can't even use the service.

hmm..

[update: so my flight might not run today...because of the plane crash. Which means i'll also miss my flight from NY to Monts. haha. We'll see what happens.]

interesting...

assumptions, assumptions.

It's funny when you get into a relationship, because all of a sudden, people assume things of you. They assume that you don't want to spend time with your single friends (and thus, your single friends seem to avoid you like the plague), they assume you want to talk about your relationship (another reason why the singles avoid you like the plague), when really, all you want to do is be the same person you once were and hang out the way you used to.

It's frustrating sometimes, because once you get into a relationship, people treat you as though you're a different person...and maybe in some ways, you are. Changes in life are bound to lead to some changes in character or in habits or schedules. But at the same time, i don't know. I'm still Lydia. For the love of martha! It's only been two weeks.

i still like hanging out with my single friends, i still like being alone and sipping tea and looking at the sun warm my window. i still like going on random adventures with random people, and i still like talking about theology and having debates and talking about very non-girly things.

i don't know, i enjoy this new relationship, but i don't feel as though i need to talk about it all the time, nor do i want to talk about it all the time. i just want to enjoy life, ALL of life, not just this one new part of my life. And i wish, just wish, people wouldn't make assumptions about what i want to talk about, what i want to do, how i want to spend my time, or who i want to spend my time with.

i wish people wouldn't let a relationship define me (except for my relationship with Jesus) when it's not how i define myself.

on tiredness and perseverance.

Life is busy these days, and i feel like i'm reaching that end-of-semester hump, where the finish line is in sight, but my muscles are screaming out bloody murder. Winter is still here, but i'm yearning for springtime.

What do you guys do to keep trudging along when the mid/end-of-semester hump comes your way?

²⁴Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

²⁵Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. ²⁷No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ 1 Cor 9:24-27

reason #234304905 why i heart my best friend...

...because if i lose my phone, she'll call AND text someone she has never met, LONG distance, just to help me find it.

she is pretty much amazing, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

on being girly.

i think...i am not a very sentimental person. at least, not in the girly sense. how does one even work on this? hmmm....

^_^!!

on faith.

Romans 14:23b "whatever does not proceed from faith is sin."
1 Corinthians 2:5 "that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
2 Corinthians 5:7 "for we walk by faith, not by sight."

Sometimes, i wish there was a way to walk through life without the possibility of hurt. But maybe i don't believe enough in His Sovereignty and power. The life of faith we live isn't one of blind trusting, but is built upon a solid rock. And maybe i just need to trust that should the wind beat upon the beams of the house, should the rains fall and the floods come, there is an unshakable Foundation which will always be my strength and salvation.

on seeing him with eyes of faith.

You know, i'm a pretty independent person. i guess when you move away from home at 16 to the largest city in Canada, you quickly learn to become independent. Maybe a part of it is being an only child. Maybe another part of it is just my personality. Whatever the case, i'm often confident (maybe too confident at times) of my ability to sustain myself and to lead others.

Perhaps It is a pride thing; i don't like to ask for help. Other than my bookshelf, i can say that everything in my room was assembled by me and maybe a couple of other females. Sometimes, my feminist, sinful, independent-self tells me i don't need men....

...Especially not "non-solid" men. Sure, i submit myself to male leadership... but only if i trust that he is wise, mature, theologically sound, fantastic, great, (insert positive adjective here or read: john piper).

Fastforward to my present life. Being on staff provides me with amazing opportunities to work with older, wiser men who i would trust with my life. But being at the church i'm at is often harder. i lead a study of all guys (let's not go into the theological/doctrinal implications of this right now), who often times have trouble doing one quiet time a week, let alone follow servant leadership patterns described in 1 Timothy 3. And sometimes, the sinful, prideful me thinks to myself, "I'm better than these guys, why would i ever submit to their leadership?" instead of asking myself, "How can i, as a sister in Christ, help develop these guys so that they can become servant-leaders that i would not only be willing to follow, but delight in following?"

i don't see the guys in my life with eyes of faith for the men that God could make them.

Instead, i compare them with men who are 20, 30 years older. Why can't so and so be like John Piper? Why can't he communicate his thoughts like Driscoll or Keller? He doesn't measure up to my director...He doesn't...(fill in negative attribute here).
I forget that all these guys, all the men i look up to in my life have a good 10,20, 30 years of experience, cultivation and seasoning to have become the men that they are.

In January, i went snowboarding with a friend. It was his second time going, so i encouraged him, gave him tips and corrections. By the end of the night, he was pretty good. i could still beat him down the hill, but he wasn't too far behind.
The next time we went, he had drastically improved. In fact, that night, he started trying to learn how to ride switch, something i had rarely attempted before. And not only did he try to learn this new thing, he encouraged me to try learning it too. To my shame, by the end of that night, he was definitely better than me. But he had also made me into a better snowboarder by challenging me and urging me to travel to places i had never been before.

That night, i couldn't help but think to myself that my friend had taught me a really valuable lesson about having faith for the man he'll become. Initially, he wasn't in a place to lead me, but with encouragement from others and diligence, he has surpassed me in his ability and in his giftedness to lead.

This isn't just a snowboarding story that ends there. It's an analogy that extends to all females out there, to have faith in the men their brothers will become.
A year ago, i would have never thought that this friend would challenge me the way he does, or cause me to see and trust God in greater and deeper ways. But somehow, it has come to the place where he does both, and more. i trust him and would willingly submit to his leadership, because i see his constant desire to walk in step with God and his ever-growing ability to teach me new things.

The mark of a solid guy then, may not actually be that he is fully solid (i mean, who actually is fully 100% solid?), but that he is on a trajectory that is set to love God more and more each day.

And so, maybe my role, as i walk into the Bible study i have with all these guys, is not to lead these guys, or belittle them for not being the men they should be, but to spur these guys on to become men of God. To encourage them to take steps of leadership and humility, and to trust that as they learn to love God more, they will become men that i can trust and depend on. Godly, servant-hearted leaders who will spur me on to love God more.

on ro___tic, Singles' Awareness &/or Valentine's day.

You know, i just have to say...i love this day more and more each year! Were i in a relationship, i might not want to celebrate it (feels a bit cliché..kinda like diamond rings), but i love observing people celebrate it.

Today, in the metro, i saw tons of guys with roses and flowers and whatnot, and girls with flowers and oh, the romantic in me was just so happy to see people enjoying each other.

Much better, would be to see this year round, randomly...because i just love seeing the looks of happiness and love on the faces of people, who are usually so stoic and emotionless on the metro. But even if it's just one day a year...it makes me happy.

...Especially when the girls aren't carrying roses, but other kinds of cute flowers like peonies, yellow poppies, ranunculus (sp: ranunculi??)..

Below the cynical layers, exists a true romantic at heart.

on "the other man".

Josh: you should blog about your craving for brownies and icecream, and make the title "the other man." [As a follow up to the last post.]

Lydia: the blog is LOW on the go, friend, not HO on the go.

on love affairs.

Sometimes, the mark of a good love affair is that it starts off with hate. You just can't stand to be around him, can't stand to look at him, to go near him. Then comes the day when he consumes all of your thoughts. Oh, the nerve of him to just come barging in! He already makes your life a living hell, showing up whenever he's not wanted. But to barge in on your thoughts too! And at first, you play it off as hate, but the more you think about him, the more you hate him, the more you realize that maybe your hate isn't hate directed at him, but rather, the hate is directed at this passion that you can't seem to quench, can't seem to get away from.

And you realize that all those knots in your stomach, the sick feelings you feel are just the feelings of wanting that you've been bottling up all along. So you walk out of your house, on a sunny winter day. It is warm, almost remniscent of spring. There are puddles, and there's a hum in the air. Your shoes crunch the salt on the ground as you walk briskly, hardly able to contain yourself. Oh, the wanting! It's there.

And then you see him. Right inside, down the first aisle.

The tomato.

You quickly scoop him up, hoping no one sees you. After all your brash talk about hating him, about despising him, no one can know about this love affair that you are about to enter into.

You bring him home with you, perhaps unwise for a first date. Much more appropriate would be enjoying his company at a little italian restaurant with checkered tablecloths. But oh, the passion is too great.

So you bring him home, not even knowing him on more than a first name basis. You cut him up, place him in a pan alongside the avocado and the ricotta cheese. Then you drizzle reduced cream, garlic and basil leaves, and stick them in an oven, until things become hot and steamy.

When all is finally said and done, you serve it all on warm and toasted country bread.

And the love, oh, it is good.




Creamed Tomatoes, Avocado and Ricotta Cheese on Country Bread.
3/4 cups heavy cooking cream (at least 15%)
2 cloves garlic, pressed through a garlic press
10 fresh basil leaves
6 roma tomatoes, sliced lengthwise (approx 1 cm in width)
1 avocado, also sliced lengthwise
3-4 tbsp ricotta cheese
country bread, cut thickly
salt and pepper to taste.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
In a saucepan, simmer the cream and the garlic until 1/3rd reduced.
While simmering cream, cut tomatoes and place in a oven-safe baking dish. Place sliced avocado on top of tomato slices. Then spoon the ricotta cheese over the tomatoes and avocadoes.
When cream is done simmering, stir in basil leaves.
Pour this mixture over the tomatoes and slide into oven.
Bake for about 20-25 minutes until cream is bubbly and thick, and tops of the tomatoes are slightly blistered.
Spoon this out onto toasted bread and add salt and pepper to taste (don't forget to do this, or your lunch will be bland)!



You know, the thing about love affairs is that they're over and done with so quickly. And once they're over, the sick feeling in your stomach comes back, and you realize that maybe...just maybe, you should have waited to get over the flu before subjecting your stomach to the ridiculously good food you make.

Then again, what's a love affair without spontaneity. And damn, that was a good meal. Sometimes, you just gotta throw your hands in the air and say, "To heck with the outcome, i'm not waiting a second longer to eat!" It's probably not the wisest thing, in retrospect. But what love affair is wise?

Oh Mr. Tomato, i don't want to see you for awhile, but thanks for such a wonderful sunday!

49 hours.

i've spent 49 hours in my bed, and i actually think i am going crazy. it was one of the first weeks in a long time where i've missed church because of sickness.

and i know i'm introverted, but 49 hours and 13 minutes of not hanging out with people and sitting in this bed..is driving me insane.

i was on msn with a friend who laughed at me and just told me to sleep, and i cried!

i cried!!

loneliness, boredom and sickness AND not eating tasty food. UGH. i hate this all-star combo!!

Psalm 37

v.3 "Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
v.4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
v.5 Commit your way to the LORD
trust in Him and He will act.
v.7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him.
v.8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself, it tends only to evil.
v.23 The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
when He delights in his way;
v.24 Though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the LORD upholds his hand
v.39 The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD,
He is their stronghold in the time of trouble.

i am so far from being this kind of person. So far from being able to refrain from anger. Far from being able to subdue my fretting heart.

But i woke up on Thursday morning, and thought "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus."

And despite my circumstances, despite what others think, despite the bad day i have just had, it is sweet to trust in Jesus. I believe; help my unbelief!

nothing like music to make the world go round.



Fiction Family - When She's Near from ATO Records on Vimeo.

on goodbyes.

Today, i said goodbye to a dear friend. Some goodbyes are forever. Some are not. i don't know which kind of goodbye this is. But it was good.

Sometimes, things need to die before they can come back to life. And if Lazarus wasn't brought back from the dead, Jesus would still be perfect and good and beautiful.

To those with ears to hear and eyes to see, there will be very great release from unbearable burdens in the language of autumn trees, for example, when they dress most gloriously in preparation for death. The red of the leaves is the sign of the cross. Winter follows, when snow closes everything in frozen silence. The trees then are skeletons, but wonders are being performed under the surface of things. Spring comes, and the hidden wonders burst out all at once-- tiny shoots, swelling buds, touches of green and red where all seemed hopeless the day before.... If the leaves had not been let go to fall and wither, if the tree had not consented to be a skeleton for many months, there would be no new life rising, no bud, no flower, no fruit, no seed, no new generation.
~ Elisabeth Elliot

On feeling stupid.

Today is just one of those days when you catch yourself and think: " wow I am stupid. I've been putting myself in precarious positions where the only things at risk are my pride and my heart."

My pride can stand to fall...goodness knows I need to be humbled. But the heart is another thing. It's deceitful and yet also the wellspring. There's a tough pericardium, but it's altogether far too sensitive to play games with.

Have you ever had a day like today?

on handmade loveliness.

okay, so you probably already know that i am so over-the-top obsessed with handmade, diy craft culture.

So even though i don't like horror films...i seriously cannot wait for this movie. The first handmade film, shot in 3-D. AHH i cannot wait!!!

i'll give it time, give it space, and be still for a spell.

Learning so much about what it means to wait upon the LORD, these days. It's been good for me. The constant reminder. Through songs, through books, through THE Book.
The lesson is not about the earthly things i am waiting for, but rather, Jesus. Waiting patiently for Him to transform my life. Waiting patiently for Him to do a good work in and through me. Waiting for Him to make me more like Him. Waiting for Him to cause the sun to rise, or hasten summer's start. Only should He choose.

What He brings tomorrow, the lessons I will learn, these are not up to me. But those things He has brought me today are what I need to accept, to wrestle with, in some cases, place on the altar, and in other cases, cherish deeply.


She will have to take Christ's yoke upon her and learn of Him. I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts...God's time for further revelations of the heart might come later. Tomorrow was not our business; it was His. Letting it rest with Him was the discipline for the day, and it was enough. ~ Elisabeth Elliot