living the spirit-filled life and discipleship.

I tried to avoid God for a couple of days. Spiritual apathy doesn't last for long before one becomes depressed and tired at trying to do life on one's own. Thursday, I was talking to a friend about my apathy towards support raising, life and God.

"Even during this time of spiritual apathy, God has continued to bless me. Supporters are coming on board and everything. I wish He'd punish me, by taking these things away. At least then I'd be motivated to do what I need to do."

"Lydia, your support coming in isn't based on works. It's not as though if you spend more time with God, you'll see more support come in. It just doesn't work that way. We don't earn God's love."

I think this was something that really impacted me. For the longest time, I've been jealous at seeing many of my friends have 20 appointments a week. I've said to myself, "If you work harder, you'd be seeing more support come in. God would love you more."

The truth remains, however, that God loves me, because of the finished work on the cross...not because of what I have done for myself. How freeing.

Last night was the last straw. I felt like I could avoid God no longer. So I stopped. Revolutionary!

As I was sitting down, I started talking to multiple friends. Each of them asked me for advice in some way. At that moment, I realized that in a way, I was discipling each of these people, and it felt right. It gave me a renewed vision for what God has called me to do on campus. I am SO excited to be able to work with university students, teaching Biblical principles that will also revolutionize their lives.

I woke up this morning and realized that I had not only NOT been running the race, but I had been moving backwards, practically disqualifying myself! So I prayed for discipline and for the Spirit to fill me with Himself. How great! There was SO much more energy to exercise, to get things done, to make phone calls, write letters etc. Living the Spirit-filled life, free from attempting to perform for God is fantastic. I don't know why I so often forget this. How I am prone to wander!

Anyways, things are getting back on track, and I'm pretty much loving it.

update.

I have few meaningful things to say. Perhaps this is why my blogging has been on the decline (both in quality and quantity), and why my readership has sunk from an average of 80 hits a day to about 27 hits a day. Oh, you twenty-seven people, how faithful you are!

Things are a bit dry, I'm not going to lie. It's one of those periods in life where I don't feel like reading the Bible, don't feel like praying and don't feel like challenging myself. It's not a depressive period, just a listless period. I think I need to start having dates with God again, because sitting in my chair, I am prone to falling asleep. Though I know I should fear what could happen if this trend continues, I feel as though my heart is rather calloused. Little sins pervade my life, and though consequential, I often feel as though they are inconsequential. Instead of keeping a short account of my sins, they grow long, not because I am unwilling to yield, or because guilt keeps me from coming to the cross...but because I am lazy and do not want to take the time to pray.

It's a shame, because during this time of support raising (ministry partner development;MPD), I know that it is crucial that my eyes stay focused on the cross. I'm looking forward to Thursday. Some of us new staff are meeting up in the morning to pray. It'll be good to take my eyes off of myself and direct them heavenwards. I think I might also take the afternoon to head to the Beaches or to Queen Street and have a date with God.

While I'm looking forward to Thursday morning, I'm also dreading it. I feel as though my whole life revolves around MPD. Everytime I talk to someone, campus staff or not, it's always "How's support going?" I know it's well-intentioned and that people want to know so that they can be praying for me. At the same time, it's tiring. I want to stop thinking in percentages and goals. I don't want the first question people ask to be "How's support going?" I want it to go back to the days in university when the first thing someone would ask was, "How's is going spiritually?"

This summer, I feel as though I've lost a lot of that accountability I had throughout the school year. It's the first summer since high school where I haven't been discipled by anyone. Sure, I get the call once a week from my support coach (who is wonderful and delightful), but it's just not the same. My best friends are all far away, and even people who aren't far feel far.

Not all is dreary though. During this time of support raising, I've found myself losing weight, contrary to what I presumed would happen. I assumed that because I'm constantly meeting up with people and eating with them, that I would gain weight. But, I suppose it makes sense. Generally, I eat one meal a day with someone I have an appointment with, go out for coffee with someone else. I don't keep my fridge stocked (au courant, it holds half a stick of cheese, fat free yogurt and 3 sesame seed bagels) because I know I'll be out to eat. This means, I have about one meal a day, and yogurt for breakfast. I'm grateful. Support raising hasn't treated everyone's bodies this well.

Also, I've found myself really and thoroughly enjoying the company of people from my church. It's been a great time of getting to know some of them more, and it's wonderfully satisfying. I enjoy hearing about their lives, and remarkably, even though I haven't been in a praying "mood" (let's call it rebellion), I find myself praying for them randomly throughout the day. I've seen people open up more, and I'm really enjoying their company. We make each other laugh and we talk about life. It's good times.

So, that's my update. It's not as exciting as usual, and there are no thoughts for you, the reader, to glean from, but here it is anyways.

people.

I opened the cheque she gave me, and I cried. It was so over and beyond what I had expected. Later, when I met up with her, I began to thank her, but she cut me off.

"No, I am the one that needs to thank you. A long time ago, you told me that we not only needed to tithe our money, but our time. I noticed that you take notes every Sunday in a journal, so I started doing the same. Because of these two lessons you taught me, I am now more receptive to what God has to say to me. I am indebted to you."

***

"Do you want me to tell you the amount I am going to support you," he said after a round of mini golf.
"Sure."
"___/month"
I had to ask him if he was serious.
He looked me in the eyes, and said, "Yes."
I had to look away. I was scared I would start crying.

***

"I believe in what God is using you to do. I want to be a part of it."

***
"Even before you asked me to meet up with you, I had already been thinking about supporting you."

***

"I want to take you shopping sometime. I know that when you're support raising, things are tight, and as a girl, you see lots of pretty things, like makeup and swimsuits, and dresses..but you can't afford it, or feel as though you should be more cautious with your money. Let me take you out and get you some things for you to enjoy."

***

Support raising hasn't been easy. Many mornings and afternoons, I sit at home. On msn, other friends who are support raising, are in and out, because they have numerous appointments. As for me, I have few appointments. I know few people in Toronto. It is easy to be consumed with self-pity and self-doubt.

But each evening, I meet up with people, and I come home humbled. I am the most prideful, most arrogant person you will ever meet. Yet, people still shower their love on me. It isn't their finances that I am thankful for (although I am thankful for their financial support)... It's their faith in God to use a sinner like me, small and inadequate, to bring the gospel to university students. I am so amazed by the love that they show me, even though I am so undeserving. I am moved that people would part so easily with their finances and their time, because they love me and because they love God and His people.

Most of the time, I wonder why it is that God has decided to bless me so immensely. Surely, it is nothing I have done. The God we serve is delightful and magnificent, and His sovereign hand is mighty in supporting us, down to the last breath.

donculous weekend.

Saturday: 5 hours spent commuting back and forth from/to church.
Sunday: 1 hour commuting home from church.

It was pouring outside. I was wearing all white. So I made a run for it, took the shortcut (it was daytime!!).... and as I rounded the corner, a man pulled down his pants, grabbed out his parts. I won't describe this in detail.
I made it home shaken, but safe...only to realize I had left my house keys at church. Locked out, soaking and grumpy, I commuted back to Scarborough and then back home. Round Trip: 2 hours.

***
"Low on the go" would be an accurate depiction of this weekend. As I sat on the subway for the 4th time today (after I got home with keys in hand, I went out again to meet some friends), I started to cry, and begged God to fill me with His Spirit. I felt physically and emotionally tired from the weekend.

Other than sleeping (12 hours between 3 days), I've spent less than 4 hours at home this weekend. During this process of support raising, I've found myself disgustingly envious of friends who have fifteen to twenty appointments in the week. I've found myself questioning why I don't have that many appointments. It is so easy to compare and wonder what I am doing wrong. And yet, this weekend really reminded me that though I am a Martha, I really need to be like Mary. Today, I gave up a badly needed sabbath, something that I resolved I would not do during this time of support raising. Now, I realize that the sabbath isn't for naught. To sit at Jesus' feet and choose the better portion is not a recommendation. It is a command. It is easy for me to try and play Jack Bauer. In my head, I OUGHT to be better than other people. I ought to be capable of handling many appointments and doing everything at once. I ought to be the extrovert that feeds off of relationships. I ought to be able to stay up for 24 hours and save the world from destruction. The truth is, however, I'm not Jack Bauer. Heck, I'm not even male (although, some people at NCAC might argue otherwise...). I am an introvert, and though I am capable of doing many things, it is not always wise to do so many things. I need to live life at a pace that is sustainable, and which leaves God as my number one priority. There are many things to be worried and bothered about, but in the end, it was Mary who chose the good part, which would last into eternity.

done. finished. complete.

HUZZAH!

I am officially done undergrad.... FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The smile on my face is...wide.

I wish you could see it.

How to Give a Great Man to Man Hug

back.

Well, I'm back from Muskoka. What a GREAT time with my beautiful and amazing church.

I found myself angry at God, for a portion of it. But my pride was humbled in thinking about how GOOD He is.

I ate lots.

Slept little.

And saw God raise up some amazing supporters.

Glory.

The Valley of Vision

LORD, HIGH and HOLY, MEEK and LOWLY,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
Where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up
that to be low is to be highl
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
Let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow
Thy grace in my sin
Thy riches in my poverty
They glory in my valley.

~ taken from The Valley of Vision: a collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions, edited by Arthur Bennett.

7 years.

It seems sentimental and cheesy to write a post saying goodbye to a TV show... but tonight was the series finale of Gilmore Girls. It's weird; it was as though I was saying goodbye to family members. It's been seven great years. I feel like I've grown up with the Gilmore Girls. We started the first day of high school together, Rory Gimore and I. And the first day of university. Now, as she heads off into the real world, I too am starting something new.

It's sentimental and cheesy... but I feel like there is now a gaping hole in my TV watching habits. What will I do on Tuesday nights at 10pm? I fully admit that I cried in this last episode.

It's been a good seven years.

new sheep in His fold.


Praise God, because today, He allowed me to see a girl pray to receive Christ.

In four years at U of T, this is the second time I have seen someone accept Jesus.

The soil is hard, but God's hand is sovereign over ALL.

Amen.

Valuing people

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I felt pretty lonely. There was a huge group of other people who seemed to know each other really well. They were fun and funny, both of which I am not. Over time, sensing my inadequacies, I pulled back, and stopped trying to hang out with them as much. I hadn't felt like this in quite awhile. In Toronto, I have a huge support base of people whom I know and love. I'm relatively "popular", and though I'm not fun or funny, I have fun and good times here. So being in this situation and not being part of the "cool" kids felt weird. Do not get me wrong, it's not as though this group excluded me in any way; they were super friendly and fun. They invited me and others on their outings. What I've said thus far, and what I will say is not a reflection of them in any way. They are lovely, fun people. It was just a weird feeling on my behalf of not really knowing them the way they did each other, and feeling inadequate because of my fun-factor, or lack thereof.

This got me thinking. I've always wondered why certain people never come out with us after a weekly meeting to eat, or why some people never join my church group and I for lunch, despite invitation. Here in Toronto, it's been awhile since I've been a newcomer or someone who doesn't know the group too well. While I was in this situation, I caught a glimpse of what it might be like for someone new to want to fit in. Granted, it was not exactly the same since I knew these people, I just didn't really know them. I caught a glimpse of what next year in Montreal might be like. Some people fit in easily right away. They are outgoing, fun, funny and people naturally gravitate towards them. Others, like me, are shy and find it hard to think up things to say that would matter.

I talked about this with some people recently, and someone pointed out that it is impossible to be friends with everyone, and how Christian culture tries so hard nowadays to embrace and be friends with everyone, when it isn't actually possible. I totally agree with this. Even Jesus was selective about the people He poured the majority of His time and energy into. I don't think we ought to feel pressure to be friends with everyone. But, I think that at the core, people want to be valued. They want to know their presence makes a difference. I really need to think this through, in ministry terms. Perhaps the fringe member is on the fringe, not because he or she doesn't want to get involved, but because despite invitations, his presence is not truly valued. I think I need to work on valuing people. Other fringe members might not be involved for other reasons, but I am certain that some fringe members are just like me in this situation. They want to go on outings, want to be included, but are just unsure of how to proceed naturally, and feel inadequate because of shyness or insecurities over not being cool enough or fun enough.

Meeting new people is hard; it requires sacrifice on both sides. It requires sacrifice on the part of the newcomer to swallow their pride (something I am HORRIBLE at!!!), make multiple attempts to get to know others, and face rejection. It requires sacrifice on the part of the "in-group" (for lack of a better word) to allow a newcomer into the fold, to value them, and spend time getting to know them.

Hmm, I think this is something I really need to work on. I really want people to feel valued when they are around me.

Back from BC... MET I.

"When you're new on staff, you expect that you will make mistakes, and you expect other, more seasoned staff to understand this. The question I have for you is, will you allow your national leadership to make mistakes?"

As he said these words, I was instantly convicted. In joining staff, because of certain circumstances, I was really weary of joining such a large organization. A question resonated in my head constantly, "How can a team of people, who don't even know me, and who rely on pieces of paper and forms filled out about me, make a decision on where to place me? How do I know I can trust these people? Do they even care? There's 500 staff in Canada and 27,000 staff worldwide. No leadership of an organization as large as that actually cares about the 'little people'."

But as Dave Beck said those words, in my heart I was convicted. The people on the national team for Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada are solid, godly people whom God had ordained to be in their respective positions. I knew that as a first year staff member (and as a human), I'd be making a great deal of mistakes, and yet I was not willing to submit to others and let them make mistakes. Prior to this conviction, I had told other first year staff members that I would be really upset if I wasn't placed in Quebec, and that I would have a difficult time trusting the staff. But after these words spoke to my heart, I really felt a sense of peace. All of a sudden, I saw the huge need that there is on university campuses all across Canada, and I realized that although I love Montreal and desperately want to see it reached for Christ, I really could go anywhere and be at peace with God and the people He had selected to lead me.

When they handed out the envelopes containing where our placements would be, I felt such a sense of peace that I didn't go rushing off to open it. I sat in my room and prayed for awhile, and opened it up. It said that I had been placed in Montreal. I cried. Though I had been willing to go anywhere, God and the national leadership team had seen my heart, and had placed me in the city I so desperately wanted to go to.

That night, all of us went to the Leonard Buhler's house for dinner. Leonard Buhler is the president of Campus Crusade for Christ, Canada. When we got there, Leonard was outside barbecuing burgers, and his wife, Debbie, was inside making salad and washing the veggies. Not only did Leonard barbecue for us, he continued to barbecue until all of us had had seconds before stopping to eat. This was immensely humbling. I had been questioning whether the leadership of crusade actually cared, when here was the president himself, serving us! We were all in awe; what president of a national company is ever found serving his first year staff workers? I was beyond touched.

It excites me that I am joining an organization full of humble, servant-hearted individuals. Yes, it may be a big organization, but going to BC really showed me that it is an organization of people who truly care about my well-being and really desire the gospel to be preached in all corners of the world.Leonard, Debbie and MyselfLeonard and 4 of us new staff girls!

Word on the Street IS.....

I'm going to Montreal!!!!!!

teaser.

they let us know where our placements will be! We've taken a 24 hour discipline of silence, so you'll find out where i've been placed either tonight or tomorrow.

its been a great time.

Off to BC!

Well guys, I'm off!! Two exams done with (for my two hardest courses), one to go (May 25th)!

I'm stoked. I'll update you with news about where I'm placed when I find out!!

Whee!

Need Directions from New York, NY to London, England?


Note direction #24 (click to enlarge).


Also,quote of the day:

"Go back to your third-world garbage dump slum and your rice fields, you dirty, third-world, common scum!" ~ An older woman walking out of Dominions speaking to me.

It was one of the first times I've been speechless. I've NEVER faced such blatant racism. It was actually almost funny. ALMOST.

(Seriously, what is with me and elderly women and college park mall?)

i love my two lovely brown friends.

darkroomage.


In a Hello fashion, five good things:

1. being able to stream the whole new Feist album on Myspace.
2. the peace and calm of a quiet darkroom.
3. fresh veggies from kensington
4. good friends
5. watching children jumping in puddles


Some days, I get so frustrated at the shallowness of my walk with Him. I just want to know Him.

lonely summer.

So many of my best friends are going away for the summer.

I think I will be very lonely, here in Toronto.


I will especially miss Pakistan and Slave.

Brickworks.

Yesterday, Son of Man and I biked to the Don Valley Brickworks, the site of old, abandoned brick factories in the Don Valley to do some shooting and exploring. It was great. It's always lovely to have a patient biking partner (my bike moves VERY slowly, since it's stuck on one gear) and a fun companion to shoot with. I'm remorseful however, because though the colours of the brick, graffiti, and sky were amazing, I was only armed with one roll of 35mm colour film. I had to shoot the rest on a roll of Ilford black & white 35mm and one black & white medium format roll for my Holga. Son of Man took some great digi shots though. Perhaps he'll put them up sometime after he's gotten them off my Canon.

I think another trip must be taken. This time, I will arm myself with much film of all assortments, especially medium format slide film. Does anyone want to come with? I'm thinking sometime in May, before the transformation of the BrickWorks is fully underway.

Here's some shots taken with the SLR and scanned in (hence, the grain on the pictures). I'll put more up when the Holga shots and the B&W 35mm are developed. As a funny aside, while we were shooting, a girl who was also there asked us if we went to Rosedale.... I think she thought we were still in High School. It's good to know that even though I'm graduating, I can still pass for a 17-year-old.

The best discipler in the whole world (well, other than Jesus).

Today, I had my last personal discipleship (PD) time with J. It was great! I really love J. She knows the Word like a Chinese person knows Kung-Fu, she loves crazy people (namely myself), she speaks the truth and she uses phrases like "that honks" and "well big gulps eh?"

I don't even KNOW what "well, big gulps eh" means, but if J says it, it must be cool.

But in all seriousness, it has been an amazing 2.5 years. J has listened to me laugh, rant about boys, cry, and rant more about boys. She has constantly challenged me to probe into the word:

"Here," she says as she hands me a Bible, "Take this and tell me what you know about ____(insert Biblical topic here)_____ ."

And has taught me what it means to open up your life to your disciples.

She has also taught me that you are never too old to ride a carousel...


Before I moved to Toronto, I had very few people who could model the Spirit-filled life to me, but J lives and acts the kind of life a woman of God should strive to live--one filled with the Spirit, where Christ is Lord. If there is one thing I will truly miss about my time in university and my time in Toronto, it will be all the times I have spent with J. Other than my parents, no one else has ever demonstrated so much love and grace (seasoned with truth) towards me. To say I am immensely grateful sounds cliche and cheesy. Nevertheless, it is the truth. I am beyond immensely grateful.

love languages.


At the beginning of this year, J (anette) asked me what my top love languages are. Prior to this, I hadn't paid much attention to these so called love languages, because, lets be honest, the book cover itself looks really cheesy, let alone the title "love languages". To me, it seemed rather irrelevant and ultra-feminine.

A couple of days ago, however, I was talking to my dear friend, Warren, and I decided that knowing what our own "love languages" are, and what those of our friends are, is pretty important for our relationships. Essentially, a love language, is the way in which an individual communicates and receives love from others (oh goodness, this post is ALREADY sounding super cheese).

It becomes important, because inherent in the love languages we use, is our definition of friendship. For example, I was telling Warren, that I don't consider people who I rarely spend time with friends. For me to count someone as a friend, I generally need to spend time regularly with them. In my mind, this makes sense. After all, how can you be friends with someone when you don't spend time getting to know them?
On the other hand, Warren said that he considers a friend anyone who, if he needed help, would be willing to do something for him. So, a friend (even a good friend) could be someone he only occasionally (or even rarely) hangs out with, but would be willing to push him around in a wheelchair, were he ever a quadriplegic.
These two definitions of friendship are not mutually exclusive, however, one method of definition may dominate over another when someone is defining their friendships.

Thinking about this made good sense to me. It's important to realize that some people may not value quality time as much as I do, so when they don't hang out with me, or when they don't shift around their schedule for me, like I would do for them, it does not mean they do not care for me, it's just that they express their love in differing ways. Concurrently, if I am not always doing things for Warren, it does not mean I don't value him as a friend, I just might not realize that he prizes acts of service more than quality time.

Once this realization is made, it follows then, that we should strive to get to know one another's love languages, so that we can express love to them in a way they would appreciate and that is relevant.

Hmm...how key this is in discipleship.

Anyways, those are just some thoughts. Enough cheese for today!

i am grateful for chivalrous men.


You know, I've always been conditioned to fear men, especially when walking alone late at night. When its rather late, and I'm walking in college park mall alone (which is safer than taking the shortcut outside), I'm always on the lookout for strange men following me. Until today, I never thought it was actually women who I'd have to worry about.

Haha, as I was walking out of the subway doors into college park mall, an older woman walking ahead of me tripped. She turned around and started yelling at me, blaming me for almost tripping her, and screaming out a stream of profanity. I hadn't caused her to trip at all; in fact there was no way I could have caused her to trip. So I told her that I had not done anything and kept on walking.

All of a sudden she took out her grocery bag and looked like she was going to hurl it at me. When I sidestepped that, she tried to punch me! Thankfully, a guy walking was walking next to me, stepped in front of me, shielding me from the crazy woman! He told her to back off and at this point, she unsuccessfully tried to spit at me, before walking away!

I was so thankful that the man was there! As the lady was getting ready to punch me, a thought went through my head: "If she attacks me, do I fight back? She looks pretty old..." I'm glad I didn't need to fight the old lady. Sadly, I think she might have beaten me to a pulp had we fought (she seriously looked really crazy and capable of hurting me!!!). Anyways, there's really no moral to this story. I just wanted to blog about my crazy night. Men, be chivalrous and stick up for women in need. It is very impressive and very much appreciated!

oh i've been forgetting to say...

Bethany Dillon's new album, Waking Up is amazing!

and another thought...

I've been thinking about that post I wrote recently about the violinist, Joshua Bell.

It struck me that Bell was offering something beautiful and something worth a great deal (approximately $1000/minute) for free, to undeserving people, who hurried by without even casting a second glance. How many, had they known what was being offered, would have stayed to watch? How many, had they kept their eyes and ears open, would have noticed the beauty being offered for free? And how many, if they had just stopped from the busyness and had taken time to listen would have benefited from melodious sounds?

What a Jesus archetype! Infinitely more than Bell, Jesus offers something beautiful and something worth a great deal (the price of innocent blood) for free, to undeserving people who often hurry by without even casting a second glance. How many, if they were informed of what is being offered would accept? How many, if they kept their eyes and ears open to His knock, would notice the beauty being offered for free? And how many, if they stopped from the busyness and took time to sit as His feet would benefit from the Creator of Beauty Himself?

But how are they to call on him, in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? ~Rom 10:14

And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her to come and help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away."~ Luke 10:42

Our God is SO good.

Lately, I've been feeling really stressed, especially about support raising for MET. I had been waiting to get the church backing on support raising, and so I hadn't been able to ask church members for support. A couple of days ago, I was sitting, doing my quiet times, and I felt immensely incapable of praying, because though I KNEW support would come in, I wondered how it would, and felt SO burdened by this. I sat in the silence, comforted that the Holy Spirit hears and intercedes with groans words cannot express.

On Friday, I was given the go ahead to start asking people at church. I'm not sure why, but this time, I was really fearful to ask people. I printed out the letters, and distributed them. Today, even before I had distributed letters, a woman from my church approached me, and said she wanted to support me. She handed me a cheque, and I didn't look at it.

When I got home, I read the total amount.. $500. I was so touched, I began crying. In ONE day, from ONE person, God has brought me up to 50% of the amount I need. I've really been reminded that God is truly and infinitely capable of meeting our needs. Not only is He inifinitely capable, He desires to and WILL meet all our needs, if we just ask.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
~ Phil 4:19.

Grateful.

Tonight, I am grateful that God created Japanese people, who invented minty eyedrops, because they too never sleep (think about the minty freshness your mouth feels when you chew gum. Then, apply this feeling to your eyeballs).

I am also grateful that God invented coffee. And that He created someone who was brilliant enough to start up Starbucks.

praying like Nehemiah.

I have decided that I am going to pray big prayers and expect that they will be answered. Sometimes, I think I insult God by praying piddly prayers and neglecting to pray for big things. Though I know that He cares about ALL areas of my life, not just the big things, I think I often bypass the big things, because the small things are "more easily" answered. I pray as though God works like humans do, with finite capacity. Well, no more of this nonsense!

Here are some things I am praying for in the next while. If you think of it, keep these things in your prayers too!!

• Pray that the National Team, who are currently in the process (this week!) of deciding placements, would place me in Montreal.
• Pray that I would finish support raising by July (or be very close to being done). A good, solid Christian friend of mine is moving to Montreal in July to begin her medical residency, and I'd love to live with her. "Coincidentally", my lease here in Toronto also ends in July. Thus, I'd really like to be finished support raising, so that I can move to Montreal.
  
• Pray that I'd pass all my courses so that I can graduate in May. For the first time in University, I am failing a course (yikes!!). This is SO unlike me, but I am also grateful for this opportunity to be humbled. Academia has always been a source of pride in this girl's life. I have an exam on Friday, so please pray that I would do well on that!
• Pray that I would raise all the support required to go to Abbotsford, BC for May New Staff Training (MET). I have a meeting with my church elder's board on Friday. Please pray that I would find favour in their eyes and that they would desire to help me support raise as much as possible. I currently have $200 towards MET. Another $1400 to go in just over two weeks! I asked my dad to buy my plane ticket in faith that I would be able to pay him back.
  
• Please also pray that I would have more opportunities to share the gospel with my two roommates, both of whom do not know Jesus in a real and personal way.

Whew, that's a lot of prayer requests! It's a good thing we serve an Almighty God, whose hand is sovereign over ALL things.

last times.


Today I had my last weekly meeting, last discipleship time with Camille and last discipleship group at U of T.

I am immensely sad.

oh goodness!!!

JOSHUA BELL, once child prodigy, now a world reknown violinist (who plays a $3.5 million dollar strad) played at a SUBWAY station in DC as an experiment and people just walked by without a second glance!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!! I would have died to have been there!!!!!

check it out here.

He is risen indeed.

Today, two guys in our congregation at church publicly proclaimed that they love Jesus and desire to follow Him wholeheartedly. It was beautiful to watch them get baptized, and to know that on this Easter Sunday, Jesus is alive and well.

In other news, I've been getting some hits to my blog from this blog post. Interesting. I wanted to quote something from it (the writer is apparently a student from the University of Alberta):

All the talk about porn aside, I’m sick of the religious advertising everywhere. Seeing PORN NATION plastered everywhere across campus gets on my nerves, and even when it wasn’t there, the whole place is covered in leaflets inviting me to find Jesus. Everywhere I go, old men are offering me free Gideon bibles. F**k!

You know, reading this makes me feel happy, despite the negative attitude. For some, the gospel will be a revolting stench, reminding them of death. For others, the gospel will be a sweet fragrance. On Easter Sunday, it was so fitting to read about how Jesus is alive on campus, actively reaching out to those who do not know Him and inviting them into a personal relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

random thoughts on a saturday evening.

• I hate the ticklish feeling you get in your legs after you've been walking outside in the cold and have returned to a warm house.
  
• I did not know there was such a thing as Easter dinner! I was wondering why Dominion's was selling turkeys and hams this week.
  
• I am in love with Silk Road looseleaf tea from Tealish.
• I love Toronto more and more each day.
• For some reason, I've been feeling really stressed lately. If anything, other than exams and papers, there's so much less to do than usual. Ministry is winding down... but I've been feeling rather ill. I have a pretty high pulse rate most of the time, little appetite, and I've been tremendously tired. I think the thought of coming up with enough support for staff training in May really scares me, combined with a course I'm not doing well in (thus, the thought of not graduating and failing), combined with impending deadlines for assignments must be getting to me. I'm not too used to stressing out over these things. In my head, they are not even worthy of stress. Weird. Ah well, c'est la vie!
• Random conversation that made me laugh and shake my head...
• boy: okay, I'm talking to her. Tell me what I should say to her? (he was attempting to convey that he is not interested in said girl)
• me: ummm..tell me you are NOT defining the relationship over msn.
• boy: yeah! we're on msn right now.
• me: what are you, in junior high?
• boy: is it not good to do this over msn?
• me: oh dear.
  
• Random picture from my adventure with Steph on Queen Street West.
  

hmmm before i become nostalgic, i just wanted to say that Darren didn't ACTUALLY compare me to satan..he implied it. Also, another addendum..what Darren said, or what I post on my blog are of my own thoughts and opinions and don’t necessarily represent Campus Crusade for Christ’s ministry’s positions, strategies or opinions.

last times.

It's hard to articulate how I'm feeling right now. I have never started something that I have not seen through to completion, but tonight, as I stood at the front of the banquet hall, I realized that ministry at U of T is not something that can be completed, at least not until Jesus comes.In less than two weeks, I will no longer actively be involved in the campus ministry at U of T and in Toronto, and so a large part of tonight was saying goodbye and letting go.

As I stood at the front of the banquet hall, I hadn't really prepared what to say. I had known I wanted to say something; Andrew and I had agreed that we would feel as though we lacked closure had we not said anything. Nevertheless, words did not seem enough. Words are not enough to convey how much God has used campus ministry to touch my life, how it has given me a reason to wake up in the morning, in the face of severe depression, or how beautiful it was tonight to see so many fresh faces--all the result of the gospel and His manifestation among university students in Toronto.

As I graduate, I will not miss school. I will not miss late nights spent cramming or countless hours spent writing essays which mean little to me beyond a decent grade. I will not miss the depression I have struggled through and I will not miss the tension that exists between wanting to constantly be doing ministry, but having to spend time stuffing my head with knowledge.

I will, however, miss the people and miss watching the movement at U of T blossom into something more beautiful than it already is. I will miss my one on one dates with J, and my one on one times with the cutest girl in C4C and my goan llama friend. I will miss lunches with Warren, and talking ministry with Andrew, who has also seen his campus grow from a handful of people to outrageous numbers. I will miss jamming and going to concerts with Joshua, and I wish I was friends with Steven Morel, because it would have been fun to have jammed with him more. I will miss the musical talent in Toronto and I will miss shooting with Holga and Camille. I will even miss walking to campus and crying every morning because I want to see my campus reached with the gospel. I will miss servant team meetings with Valera, Johnny and Kim. Even though they were few and far between, we are a fun team. Gong show.

There are so many things I will miss. Mostly, I will miss people. I am scared to leave Toronto, because never in my life have I had such beautiful friends, and I am scared that I will be forgotten, or that I will forget.

Track Record

Today, my dear dear friend, Darren compared me to Satan.

Three years ago, my wonderful friend, Choi, compared me to Delilah.

Apparently, I do not have a good track record, says Joel Sherman.

a week without posting...the sky MUST be falling.

Guess I just haven't had anything to say. So instead of some written cacophony, here's some visual cacophony.

blessed.

Today was a wonderfully scrumptious day. It was a day filled with ice cream, sidewalk chalk, sunshine and complete with an awesome reminder of grace. How my soul is filled with joy! I don't often blog about my day in complete, because, well, I dislike reading blogs like this, so I don't enjoy putting my readers through this. But, today was a pretty amazing day..so here goes! You are duly forewarned.

I woke up late this morning, and felt pretty grumpy. Yesterday, I had a day where I truly wrestled with God; so often (actually, most of the time), I am arrogant and prideful. By the end of the day, I was tired and worn out. I was questioning (for the millionth time) whether I had made the right decision in joining staff, and was feeling really burdened, because May staff training is coming up in a month, and I still had zero funds. I had gotten my dad to buy a plane ticket for me, in faith that I'd be able to pay him back, but I questioned where the money would come from. I also thought about joining staff, and how there are material things I would really like to buy, that I won't be able to (namely, a digital SLR). I also wondered what kind of an impact I've made on campus in four years..and it felt as though I had made no impact at all. Additionally, I had promised a friend that I would run an errand for him this morning, but because I woke up late, I only had a small time frame to do this errand. I wondered why I'd be so foolish as to even volunteer to serve this friend.

Quickly noticing my angry, burdened and weary heart, I stood in the shower and cried out to be free from my burdens and to experience joy in the day. Ashamedly, I admit, I prayed it with a rather unbelieving heart, but was determined to plow through the day. I set off to run the errand for my friend, grumpy that I had to go so far, wondering how I would get to campus on time. My heart soon began to melt as I saw the sunny sky and as the warm sun kissed my face. I was venturing in a part of the city that I had never been to before and I LOVED it! There were so many cute shops...it was seriously part of the city that was made especially for me!! Instantly, my grumpiness vanished as I thought about how running an errand for a friend had become a beautiful blessing for me. The air was fresh (an anomale for this smog-laden city) as I walked. When I met up with this friend to give him the stuff I had gotten for him, he put a bag on my shoulders. I looked at it... an SLR!! He had brought it to let me borrow!
I arrived at campus, and a friend gave me an envelope. I looked inside, and it was a card with money to support me for MET. I hadn't asked this friend for support, and I hadn't even made it known that I needed support, and yet here was this wad of cash staring back at me!

I went sharing, and watched with tears in my eyes as the girl I'm discipling took huge steps of faith today. Her boldness was beautiful and astounding, and it was as though our Abba was saying to me, "This is what I have used you to do. In your four years here, I have used you to multiply women who love Me and who will be bold in proclaiming My name on campus."

Then, as I sat down in the sun, I bumped into a guy I have met a couple of times. We were talking, and he asked me what I'm planning on doing this summer. I told him I was joining staff, and so I would be support raising all summer long. At that moment, he took out his wallet, and handed me some support.
I was in such shock and awe. This is a guy that I don't even really know, and here he was, being used by God to send me to a mission field. I was SO humbled.

Tonight, my heart is filled with such joy at recognizing who God is. He is not a God who has left us to fend for ourselves. He sees our burdens and He sees our needs, and He responds. How often do I forget this!! Even if He had not provided for me in such miraculous ways today, He has STILL taken care of my biggest need, which was to be delivered from His wrath. His love is steadfast and He is a merciful God. Even when I fashion 'golden calves' in my life and commit great blasphemies, He, in His great compassion does not forsake me in the wilderness. The pillar of cloud does not leave me by day to guide me on my way, nor the pillar of fire by night, to light for me the way in which I should go. He gives me His good Spirit to instruct me, and His manna He does not withhold from my mouth. He gives me water for my thirst. (Neh 9).

Serve your King.

i want to be a Nehemiah.

It's official. I'm naming my firstborn son Nehemiah. I've been studying the book of Nehemiah, while concurrently listening to Mark Driscoll preach on it, and I've been blown away.

One hundred and forty one years after the destruction of Jerusalem, Nehemiah catches a vision and a heart for the broken and vulnerable city. He enters into a time of prayer and fasting...a time which lasts for three to four months!! When the king asks him why he is upset (the same king who had previously forbidden the reconstruction of the wall around Jerusalem), he again prays, and then steps out in faith, explaining that he is upset because he feels a burden for his hometown (effectively telling the king that he was dissatisfied with his foreign policy). Not only does Nehemiah do this, he also asks the king for time off work (v.5-6) and we find out later that he had requested about twelve years off of work. Imagine asking an employer for twelve years time off, let alone a king!! Then, he proceeds to ask the king for letters to be distributed to other rulers in surrounding territory, that they'd allow him to pass through their territory (v.7). Essentially, he is asking for the king's army protection while he travels to Jerusalem. AND, as if this isn't enough, he asks for the king to provide the materials for the rebuilding of the city (v. 9) and for his housing!!

Think about this for a second... Nehemiah has essentially told King Artaxerxes that his policy sucks, that he wants twelve years time off work, that he wants to rebuild a city that isn't even under the king's dominion and does not even worship the same god, AND that he wants to do this with the support of the king's army AND the king's resources!!

Now THAT, my friends, is a support plea that blows my mind!!! Is Nehemiah an amazing man, who is never afraid, who doesn't even know what fear is?? NO! In verse 2 of chapter 2, he says, "Then I was very much afraid." He admits to being fearful! But he does not let his fear stand in the way of God's call! He makes an extravagant request. It is a request SO extravagant, it is virtually IMPOSSIBLE that it will be granted! And yet, the king grants him what he asks (v. 8). Who does Nehemiah ascribe the glory to? Not himself for his bravery and courage, but the good hand of God (v. 8)!!

Guys, this is AMAZING!!! I've really been encouraged by this. Often times, my prayers are so small and my requests even smaller. I so often live life in fear. Fear that my pleas will be rejected. Unbelief that God can answer my prayers, or that my biggest dreams are impossible. James 4:2 says that I do not have because I do not ask. Yes, Nehemiah prayed. He trusted in God to do the impossible. But he didn't stop there. He didn't limit what God could do out of fear. Instead, ALTHOUGH he was fearful, he got out of the boat, and took the steps of faith, trusting that the Almighty, Living God could sustain him.

Today, along with a sermon by good ol' Danny Mac, I was really convicted of this. How big do I really believe the God I serve is? Do I really believe that He is bigger than all the kings and rulers of the earth? Do I really believe that He can accomplish far more than I could ever dream? YES! So, I've taken a step of faith in an area that I've been unwilling to yield to God. Am I scared? Yes!! I currently feel sick to my stomach. But do I believe that the God of heaven will make me prosper (à la Neh 2:20 and Jer 29:11)? YES I do!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts.
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
Amen.

May MET, here i come!!

I suppose the title says it all. Eight weeks later...the academic council decided to grant me a deferred examination (which does not happen often).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a trip to the Registrar's office to PAY them for their kindly services.

ttc.

From time to time, I become obsessed over certain things. The sensation of starting a new project always leaves an indelible impression in my mind. For awhile, it was t-shirt making. Then collecting buttons. Then jewelry making. Then lomography. I enjoy doing all of these things; making art is a form of worship that I can't seem to get enough of. Accompanied by a CD (or those new fangled things called MP3s), I could spend the whole of my days wandering around looking for more opportunities to create and enjoy creation.

Lately, I have been obsessed with the TTC. The subway stations are architecturally phenomenal (although, compared to Montreal, they can't hold their own). They fascinate me, down to the Helvetica/ Univers typeface and tile patterns. I recently ordered a set of buttons (yes, geeky, i know) and I simply can't wait to put them on a purse or backpack. Is this utterly nerdy? I tell you this not to demonstrate how utterly bizarre of a person I am, but because they have inspired me to begin a summer project come May.

Have you ever been to every single station and observed the architecture? If not, you should come with me and be my photoblogging buddy! I want to do a photo essay of all the subway stations in Toronto, from Kipling to Kennedy, Lawrence East to McCowan, Downsview to Finch and Sheppard-Yonge to Don Mills. ! It'll be an adventure to remember, sometime this summer.

goodbyes are hard to say.

Four weeks. Four weeks until ministry wraps up for the summer. Four weeks until official school is over, and all that remain are exams. Each time I see a friend, I think to myself that it may be the last time I see them. I strive for good conversations, because I don't want my last memory of them to be superficial. Saying goodbye is imminent.
Today was the Festival of Planning. I had been told that I need not go, that it would be good for me to step back. I decided to go, regardless. I'm still not sure why. It felt unsettling to be there. It would have been unsettling to not go.

I sat outside, listening to laughter coming from the rooms. It trickled down the hall. Little bursts of happiness. It was the first time in three years that I hadn't been involved in some way. Though my role has shifted, spotlights shifting off of me and leaving me in the shadows, I am grateful for this. I have been praying for ways to serve without being noticed, and this could not come at a better time. There are many things I want to do in the four weeks that remain, and I desire to press on towards the end. I want to finish the race well.

Sitting there today reminded me that this season of my life is coming to a close. Soon, it will be time to say goodbye. In some ways, I already have. I know I will enjoy that which is to come, that new seasons are just as much a cause to rejoice as the completion of another.

Today though, I am missing what has not yet gone. My heart hurts as I turn over the keys to that which I have so deeply invested in for almost four years.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I will attack it with ferocity and fervour.

Cheers to four years of ministry and time well spent. Cheers to this upcoming season of support raising.

Allons-y!

everyone knows i heart mark driscoll!!!

This morning, I went to my inbox to check my mail. I opened up the Campus for Christ staff newsletter, or whatever you call it. It contained a link for information about the staff conference in July.

I click on the link....

and found out that this year's main speaker is...


my favourite preacher....



MARK DRISCOLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, within the span of twenty minutes, I received an email from a friend...

"Hey! If this isn’t motivation to raise your support fast, well, then I don’t know you like I thought I did. Guess who’s our main speaker at Canadian staff conference? Mark Driscoll! Live and in person. Be there!"

After I got home from class, I checked my voicemail messages...

"Hey Lydia, we just got confirmation that Mark Driscoll is the main speaker at staff conference! Guess you'll want to raise your support fast eh?"

YES!!!!!

I want to raise my support VERY fast. If this isn't motivation to get my bum off my chair..I don't know what is!!!!

MARK DRISCOLL!!! *swoon*

puffed up like a big balloon.
I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another. For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?~ 1 cor 4:6-7

There is someone dear to me in my life. I love her very much, but her life saddens me. This person has so much pride in her life that it consumes her. She is highly competitive, and dislikes anyone who is better than her. She pushes away anyone who desires to love her, because she refuses to submit to almost any authority. Yet, she is lonely. I can hear it too often in her voice. She doesn't understand why people might not like her, but if you suggest that it might be pride, she denies it and is incensed.
I have often looked at the life of said person. I really do love her, I have loved her ever since the day I met her, but I have often hoped that I would never be like her. I've thought about how lonely it must be, and how bitterness comes so easily yet leaves so slowly because pride sustains and feeds bitterness.

Recently, I looked in the mirror, and I saw this person staring back. I hadn't realized it, but I have become the person I never wanted to be. A day earlier, two of my friends had called me a snob, and it felt like a punch in the stomach. A knife in the chest. I wondered why it hurt so much. When I looked in the mirror, I realized that it hurt because it was true. I am the most prideful person you will ever meet, and I struggle with pride on a second by second basis.

Prov 11:2
When pride comes, then comes dishonour, but with the humble is wisdom.

Prov 29:23
One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honour.

Is 10:12-13
So it will be that when the Lord has completed all His work on Mount Zion and on Jerusalem, He will say, "I will punish the fruit of the arrogant heart of the king of Assyria and the pomp of his haughtiness. For he has said, 'By the power of my hand and by my wisdom I did this.'"

Mark 7:22-23
...coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and they defile a person.


Pride comes in so many different forms. It can come in the form of plain old arrogance, akin to that mentioned in Isaiah 10. Or, it can come in the form of fear. Beginning the support raising process has pointed me to this form of pride in my life. I fear asking people because I fear rejection. I place my own "self-esteem" over God's call, and am disbelieving because I trust my own self and actions more than I trust God's provision and sovereign hand. Pride can come in the form of fearing man, rather than fearing God (a la Matt 10:28). Pride can come in the form of unforgiveness or disappointment due to unmet expectations, because I see myself as deserving something more, though all I deserve is death.

Here's something I found really convicting.

My Name is Pride

my name is Pride. I am a cheater.

I cheat you of your God-given destiny ... because you demand your own way.

I cheat you of contentment ... because you "deserve better than this".

I cheat you of knowledge ... because you already know it all.

I cheat you of healing ... because you're too full of me to forgive.

I cheat you of holiness ... because you refuse to admit when you're wrong.

I cheat you of vision ... because you'd rather look in the mirror than out a window.

I cheat you of genuine friendship ... because nobody's going to know the real you.

I cheat you of love ... because real romance demands sacrifice.

I cheat of you greatness in heaven ... because you refuse to wash another's feet on earth.

I cheat you of God's glory ... because I convince you to seek your own.

my name is Pride. I am a cheater.

you like me because you think I'm always looking out for you. untrue.

I'm looking to make a fool of you.

God has so much for you, I admit, but don't worry ...

if you stick with me

you'll never know.

~Beth Moore

salad.
A couple of things from the weekend and not..

• I will finish the series " On Being Chinese" eventually. Don't worry, it isn't going to remain me griping about being Chinese.
• sometimes...a lot of the time... I don't know how to be there for people who are hurting. I often pretend that whatever is going on, isn't going on, so that I don't need to deal with the root issue. I don't know how to comfort people.
• I made a really amazing sandwich today. It excited me very much. Homemade guacamole, sundried tomatoes, vegetarian turkey ham and jalapeno havarti cheese on sunflower grain bread.
• Today, we (Sara Whitfield and I) travelled from Scarborough to Union Station, up to the Weston and Jane area, and then I headed downtown to Jarvis and Shuter. All in all, it was about 3 hours of commuting. I was 45 minutes late for an appointment I had downtown. I surfaced from Osgoode station and just as I got up the stairs, I saw the streetcar drive past the bus stop. So, I ran to the next stop like a madwoman, overtook the streetcar and managed to get on. All the while, I prayed to be filled with the Spirit. Commuting and tardiness make me cranky. But who knew I could run that fast?
  
• I am a huge chicken. And amazingly scared of rejection. This does not bode well for support-raising.Here is my sad face. I can't remember why I was sad. I'm probably sad because I'm the world's biggest chicken.
• 
• saturday meat= morning: breakfast sausage from tim horton's
• lunch: chicken curry
• dinner: all you can eat korean barbecue
• sunday lunch: chicken burger
• after eating all that meat, I seriously felt ill. I have often toyed with the idea of becoming vegetarian. Throughout high school, most of my friends were vegetarian. My current roommate is vegetarian, my best brown girlfriend is vegetarian. Additionally, I have a very good vegan friend, and a vegetarian rock star friend. Even before meeting these people, I thought about becoming vegetarian. However, I have purposely chosen to be a carnivore, for reasons more than just the fact that I enjoy chicken and seafood. (In the interest of saving space, you can ask me about this on your own). Anyways, i digress. After eating so much meat, I felt sick to my stomach. It wasn't a food-poisoning kind of ill. It was a stomach-screaming-bloody-murder for putting it to such abuse. Thus, I have decided to become vegetarian for the month. Just for the month. To rectify the abuse I have put my stomach through.
  
• here's a question for you....
• what is pride?
  

neon bible.

Well, it's been a couple of days since Arcade Fire's new album, Neon Bible, was released. So, I thought I would post about it briefly.

I have been thoroughly enjoying this album. It is no new news that I quite enjoy Arcade Fire. This album leaves me feeling musically satisfied. What a talented group of people!
This album poses a bit of a moral dilemma for me, I won't lie. There are many digs and the whole album holds a pretty cynical and satirical view towards the church. I'm not sure how I feel about this; I dislike the cheap jabs hidden behind the lyrics, but I am thoroughly enjoying the talent.

Hmm.

Josh Groban, i heart you!

seriously THE best concert i have EVER EVER been to in my life. He surpassed the greatness of Sarah Slean a thousand times over.

MAGICAL. His voice is SO amazing live! As soon as he started singing the first song, i knew that the concert was worth it!

the best part? (other than hearing his voice)

we started out in assigned seats BEHIND the theatre suites in the ACC.

but..i made friends with the usher..

and THIS is where we ended up. The $290/seat section.

(this picture was taken without zoom)
He had such amazing stage presence. Sure, it was the most expensive concert ticket I have ever paid for ($70), but even if we had stayed up where we were at first, it would STILL have been worth it. I hope he marries me!!!

1000.

© W.Gonsalves 2007

This is my thousandth blog post. This summer, my blog will turn four years old. Not much has changed; I still use FAR too many commas and I still find pistachio pudding a neon green delight. At the same time, everything has changed. I am no longer a liberal user of profanity, though some might say that I never was to begin with. I am no longer a feminist, at least, not by the modern sense of the word. I am not the fighter for peace (oxymoron?) that I once was; I believe in peace, but only because of a God who embodies the true meaning of peace; where I once desired to protest at a G8 summit, I no longer have any desire to do so. I no longer row 4 days a week, and I no longer dance three days a week. As a result, I weigh about thirty pounds more than I did when I threw my high school graduation cap in the air. I am no longer the angry, cynical person I was in first year, who couldn't let go of past hangups and who was unhealthily competitive. They boy I had a crush on back then is now married. I am still just as close to getting married as I was back then, but now I am not as troubled by this as I might have been back then. A friend recently told me that he was glad that I struggle with singlehood, just as much as he does. To which I replied, "I struggle?". He said, "Don't you?" I sat and thought for awhile. I came to the conclusion that I actually truly love being single. Though I often blog about relationships and find them fascinating, I love this season of singlehood. I'm not sure I would have been able to say that when this blog started out. Thankfully, I am no longer an angst-laden, depressive, emo teenager. There are many things I still struggle with, but there is something different about the Me of today and the Me of 2003.

Though secularists would give me multiple reasons for this change, it is evident to me that this change has not derived from anything earthly and perishable. It has only been because of the grace from the Author and Perfecter of our faith. I am hardly a better person; I am still THE most prideful person you will ever meet and I am still THE most insecure and unloving person you will ever meet. I say these things not flippantly, but with a full measure of honesty. What has changed then? This, to me, is a mystery--not in the flaky Brian McLaren-i-have-the-key-that-christians-have-missed-for-two-thousand-years sense, but in the sense that in all my days on earth, I will never fully comprehend God's grace.

As I grow older, I see my sin more acutely. I see the hugeness of my disparity and this magnifies the grandeur and hugeness of the cross.

magical.

***

oh, and speaking of magical...

tonight...

is going to be a magical night of music....

Josh Groban serenading me (and thousands of other people...)

huzzah!

sears building.
dundas and jarvis

i need a new scanner.

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!


The last time there was a "snowstorm" in Toronto large enough to cancel classes was when I was in first year. I distinctly remember this day, because I had an Economics exam, which I completely wasn't ready for. Despite having studied for weeks, I couldn't seem to grasp the concepts, which were, according to Professor Wolfson, common sense knowledge. For the honours with distinction, high school perfectionist, it was way too hard to admit that Economics wasn't for me. On the day of the exam, I was SO fearful of writing the exam. In university, there have been times when I have been stressed out over papers and exams, but I have never felt more stressed than I did that day. I prayed fervently for a miracle to deliver me from writing the exam. I prayed that somehow, something would happen, and I would be given another week to struggle through the problem sets.

That day, it snowed more than I had ever seen in my 4 months of living in Toronto. Nevertheless, it was old hat for me, the Edmontonian, who is used to huge dumps of snow. My current roommate, who was just my classmate at the time mentioned that it would probably be a snowday, and I remember laughing at her, telling her that I had never experienced a snowday in my life in Edmonton, and this couldn't possibly be enough snow to warrant a snowday.
As though not understanding Economics was not enough of a hit to my pride, I was proven wrong, because when we got to the examination location, there was a sign posted on the door: "Class has been cancelled. The examination will be deferred to next week." I have never felt SUCH relief in my life (other than the day I came to Christ); truly, I believe a miracle happened that day! God had heard my prayer!!

This past Monday, I had an exam for which I had been studying for for over two weeks, and yet still felt as though concepts were fuzzy in my brain. So, I sent up a little prayer, praying for a snowstorm large enough to cancel classes. I even got other people to pray for a snowstorm! It didn't come. I went in to write the exam, and I have to say, it was one of the worst exams I have ever written in university. Anyways, I'm over it now. It wasn't for the lack of studying that I found it difficult, so I'm not beating myself up over it.

All this to say, sometimes, I find God to have a wonderful and delightful sense of humour. The snowstorm that I prayed for came today. Three days too late. However, I was thoroughly able to enjoy it as I walked home from classes (oh yeah, classes were cancelled AFTER I had already attended my only thursday class, which makes the hilarity of this snowstorm even MORE salient). As people grumbled about the lack of public transportation (streetcars came grinding to a halt), and as drivers became confused at intersections, and as other such chaos ensued around me, I was brought back to what it's like back home in Edmonton on a daily basis during the winter.
Truly, life has come around full circle, like bookends on a shelf. I started off my first university midterms with a snowstorm, and a snowstorm has marked the end of my last university midterms.

As I walked out of class today, I put on Sandra McCracken and walked with a smile on my face, praising God for beautiful snow which now coats the streets and buildings of Toronto like vanilla icing on a chocolate cupcake.