thoughts.

i can't believe it's already Wednesday night. Where did the time go? Last week was really packed and i don't think i had a spare moment to waste. After it was all over, i felt a huge sense of satisfaction, like, "This is what I should be doing every week." Then came the weekend, which was also laden with a lot of interpersonal interaction. It was busy, and even though i had Saturday all to myself, i feel like the weekend came and disappeared before i could say the word, "Go."

It all felt extremely satisfying.

At least, it was a good feeling until Tuesday, when i was so tired i felt like a truck had run over me. All the adrenaline had depleted and in combination with the fact that i'm still not sleeping well, Tuesday was not a good day. I met up with the girl who disciples me, and tears started streaming down my face, for no good reason. Then i met up with my counsellor, and i bawled through the whole session.

In reflecting on all of this, i realize that i get a lot of my satisfaction from work, and that i find a lot of my identity in what i do, instead of who i am in Christ.

At the same time, i've started wondering, again, if i'm doing the right thing; i wonder if i'm in the right job. This year, far more than last, i'm enjoying what i do. i'm no longer bored like i was last year, and i'm so grateful for the level of staff care that comes with this job. i'm grateful for my director who has been more than accomodating (and, i mean, in what other job could you call your director when you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, and ask him to pick you up?), and i'm grateful for the amazing staff and students i get to work with. More than ever, i'm enjoying discipleship (maybe because, finally, i'm getting a chance to do more discipleship!) and i'm just enjoying going to campus each day. I love the girls i get to work with, and the more i work with them, the more i enjoy it and feel like i know (kinda!) what i'm doing and that i'm not just leading girls astray.

So then, why am i wondering? i don't know, i just look at my days, and i get tired from meeting with 2 people, a servant team meeting, a discipleship group meeting and a weekly meeting. It's fun and i love it, but i come out of that day with a throat that is so sore, it feels like its being grated by a thousand needles. i come out of many days with headaches, or an overwhelming fatigue and a high level of emotionality that makes me just sit and cry for no reason. i feel like an incompetent staff most of the time, and i know that it's no one but myself who is making me feel this way. I look at what other staff members do, and i recognize in my mind that i shouldn't compare, but i also recognize that i'm a missionary. Missionaries work with people. Maybe i'm not a very good people person.
I look at myself, and i'm not funny, i'm not very encouraging. I don't think i'm a very engaging person and to be honest, i'm not the kind of person people remember. I kind of fade into the distant memory of most people. i guess i look at myself, and can't help but think that i'm an ineffective staff worker. Lately, my capacity seems to be diminished, and in comparison to so many other staff workers, why would there be a need for a rusty, beat up truck, even if it is a truck who enjoys more and more each day what it does?

But when all is said and done, here i am again, doing the very thing i said i wouldn't do. Finding my identity in what i can or cannot do. It's not my works that will qualify me in any way. After all, it's not that Jesus is expecting productivity out of me. He's expecting faithfulness.

When i look back on my time in university, it never felt very productive. i left before i could see much real fruit, but this is what other eyes that are not my own see:

...praise God for the way your life has impacted mine!! You have definitely made such a difference in my life. C4C at UofT has taken such a dramatic turn. The prayers we had for the campus has finally started to bear fruit and there are lots and lots of amazing hearts for God in the movement here. Although, it definitely isn't the same without you! You were the drive and the passion most of the time and I miss that sometimes, because BIG sometimes means we get complacent and such. But i'll always remember how we started off.. small but mighty and desperate & hungry for change in the campus. Thanks for teaching me that! You challenged me and made me feel uncomfortable and i probably didn't like that too much but on hindsight, that was amazing and I really needed that. So now, although people are different, things are different, everything is different, I remember: WWLD? What Would Lydia Do? Haha, probably blasphemous but it helps me to challenge myself even though you're not around to give me a prod!

Anyways, that whole looong spiel just to say that I truely appreciate the years you've been there for me and I believe (i hope, anyways) that the seeds you've sown in my life and uoft have/will bear fruit. Praise God!

In reading this email, which came at a timely manner, i cannot for the life of me comprehend how the heck i made an impact on Camille. I look at how i am so fundamentally flawed and lacking in so many areas, and i don't even know how this is possible. And then, i realize...

...all along, it hasn't been me. I've just been a vehicle used by God to drive the whole process. I'm not funny, but He is. I'm not intriguing, but He is. I'm not encouraging, but He is. I'm not engaging or memorable, but He is. And the best thing is, He lives in me.

I know i can't do everything that other staff do (ugh, what a CUT TO THE PRIDE!). But I know that I haven't been called to do what they do. I've been called to be faithful to what He has entrusted me with (Matthew 25), knowing that in His time, He will bless that faithfulness.

a la carte, chez lydia on thanksgiving.

. butternut squash coconut soup (made with squash, apples, nectarines and mangoes!)
. sweet potato biscuits (scones)
. rosemary lemon turkey
. mashed sweet potatoes
. roasted hasselback potatoes
. i think the guests are bringing salad
. stuffing
. warm blackberry peach crumble (in individual ramekins!!)
. pumpkin squash pie (made by my housemate)

Let's hope i can pull this off and that my turkey doesn't kill anyone.

***

mission accomplished. i'm off to bed.

autumn soup.

I love fall. For numerous reasons, it is by far my favourite season. I love the contrast of the yellow leaves and the deep blue skies. I love pulling out a cardboard box, stuffed with all my sweaters, hidden away during summertime. I love the feeling of the fresh, crisp air, and the feeling of finding clothing that has been forgotten or dismissed. I love the feeling of rosy cheeks and the absence of sweat. I don't know, I just love everything that is fall. One thing I love most is autumn food. Squashes, sweet potatoes, peaches, blackberries, figs! The day when butternut squashes appear at the farmer's market is the day when my heart swells with lovage.

Two years ago, I had an eureka moment. I had forgotten to buy cream at the grocery store, and I was already in the process of making my squash soup. So I opened a can of coconut milk that I had sitting in my cupboard, and behold! Squash soup has never been the same. And my tastebuds have never been the same either. There have been other magical additions throughout the years, like the moment I decided that apple cider, mangoes, peaches and apples do wonders for soup.

So, in honour of squash, thanksgiving and everything that is autumn, I thought I would post two soup recipes that I have made throughout the years. Today was the perfect time to resurrect these recipes, since I'm going to a thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, and hosting one the day after. Note that butternut squash and sweet potatoes take approximately the same time to cook, and are therefore interchangeable.

Butternut Apple Coconut Squash Soup.

1 squash, peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes
half of a large onion
1/2 cup olive oil
2 gala apples
1/2 tsp curry powder
2/2 tsp ground cardamom
1/2 cup apple cider (today, I realized I didn't have apple cider, so I substituted orange banana strawberry juice for apple cider...it worked but the soup ended up having a bit more of a citrus taste)
1/2 cup coconut milk (make sure to shake the can before opening)
1/2 carton of chicken stock
salt and pepper to taste.


In a large pot, heat olive oil and add in onions. You'll want the onions to sweat, but not to brown. Fry until onions are translucent. Add in the squash and apples and sautee for approximately 10 to 15 minutes.

Stir in curry powder and cardamom. Add in the apple cider and coconut milk, and cook for about 3-5 minutes.

Finally, stir in the chicken stock, lower the heat, and simmer for approximately 30 minutes.

Puree the soup in a food processor until smooth.

Sprinkle salt and ground pepper to taste.
Sweet Potato, ginger, mango and peach soup.

6 cups sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes
1 mango peeled and cut into cubes
2 peaches/nectarines, peeled and cut into cubes.
1/2 onion
approx 3 tbsp grated gingerroot
olive oil
1/2 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (or amount you desire)
1 can coconut milk
1 carton chicken broth
salt and pepper.

In a stockpot, sweat the onion in olive oil. Fry until translucent. Add in sweet potato, mango and peaches. Sautee for approximately 10 minutes.


Stir in curry powder and cayenne pepper.

Stir in coconut milk,chicken broth, and grated ginger. Reduce heat, cover and simmer for approximately 30 to 35 minutes.

Puree in food processor and serve immediately* with salt and pepper to taste.



*Because sweet potatoes are very starchy in nature, plan on serving this soup immediately. If not, make sure to add more chicken broth when reheating, as much of the moisture will be soaked up while the soup sits.

[edit: Monday, October 13th

I just made a fresh batch of soup. This time, I combined the butternut squash with 2 apples, 2 nectarines and 1 mango. I put in a lot more chicken broth, wasn't as strict with measuring, and put in ground ginger powder...It's RIDICULOUSLY good...

point of the story: go nuts with your soup! try anything and everything!!!]

me and automated messaging systems.

The following story is true, and happened in September...but I'm reliving it, while trying to scrape together ID in order to vote.

In July I was mugged. July the third, to be exact.

This is what happened when I tried to replace my drivers license.

Setting: I am sitting in a coffee shop.

After perusing the website for an inordinate amount of time, I finally find the phone number for Alberta Registry services.

I dial the number, and go figure, it's an automated messaging system for multiple Alberta government services. I get the operator on the phone. She says that she'll transfer me over to Alberta registry services. Again, it's an automated messaging system. There are multiple options, all of which are automated. There is one option to talk to an operator. So, I punch in "0" and lo, I am transferred...

.... back to the INITIAL operator! She transfers me BACK to the automated messaging system of Alberta Registry services. One of the options is to be transferred to a local license bureau. So, I press this button, and choose the CAA (or AMA, as it is known in Alberta). Again, an automated messaging system picks up. One of the options is, "To speak to an agent about a lost or stolen license, please press zero."

So, I press zero, and I'm transferred BACK to the INITIAL operator, who promptly says, "You again?", as if I don't know how to use a phone or follow directions. She transfers me BACK to the Alberta registry messaging system, at which point, I am SO frustrated that I hang up the phone.

Is THIS why Alberta has a surplus? Because the government won't pay for a few extra workers to answer phones? For the richest province in Canada, that whole episode was a bit of a let down.

***

Speaking of automated systems, yesterday I lost my wallet on the bus. So, I called the number for the lost and found, or whatever. I'm standing in the middle of nowheresville, I'm panicking because I have NO money, I have NO bus pass, NO ID, and I'm a 40 minute transit ride away from home. I call the number, and it's automated.

"Pour la service en Anglais appuyez sur le huit. For service in English, press 8"

I cannot emphasize how many times i pressed 8. I pressed 8 like a stinking maniac, and EVERY SINGLE time, it was, "Ce service n'est pas disponible." (This service is not available).

FOR THE LOVE OF MY UNCLE GEORGE!! COME ON!

Why would you even provide an option on an automated messaging system that does not exist?

I seriously called that number over and over, pressing 8 whenever I was directed to do so.
(Yes, I understand French, but when you're on the verge of tears, you're in the middle of nowhere, and you've just run 1km trying to catch up with the bus, you would not want to have to listen to an automated messaging system in French either.)

Eventually I gave up and I bawled. And then I called my director Andy, and bawled, and told him I didn't know how to get home. Andy came in the Vandy mobile to pick me up.

Today, when I tried calling the number (to see if my wallet had been returned), I pressed "8" again..and lo and behold.....the english option was working!!

Just my luck.

Moral of the story: Automated Messaging Systems= a crapload of garbage.

best and worst.

Being diagnosed with depression this year has been one of the best things and one of the worst things that has happened to me; because of depression, I am tired all the time. I have trouble falling asleep, but I'm constantly tired. I get a lot of headaches and little things that would not usually bother me, really bother me. Big things just throw me right off course. Any source of conflict leaves me feeling paralyzed and affects many other things around me.

On the other hand, because of depression and the diagnosis, I see God in a different light. He really is all I can depend on. I go through my days and know that I can't make it through without His Spirit filling me. I wake up and my packed day makes me feel anxious, but then I remember whose Sovereign Hand is guiding my life, and my heart calms. I've been so much better at setting much needed boundaries: not volunteering to do everything, telling people that I am not doing the things they assume I will be doing, recognizing my need to be alone or with people, and acting accordingly. I'm a more proactive person and everytime I see my counsellor, things I once thought I understood become so much clearer. Forgiveness, the Cross, my identity in Christ-- all of these things are things I understand much much more now.

Not everyday is a happy day. Not every day is easy. But somewhere in my soul, there is a deep rooted sense of joy in anticipation of the grace I have received and will receive. It is a grace that was given at the cross and ripples into eternity.

sad sad day!

Okay, so yesterday, I found this AMAZING coffee shop that will soon become the coffee shop of my dreams.

I mean, they have BARBECUE TOFU WRAPS! Like, how ME is that?

Swoon. ♥

But when I went there today, I found out that it's closed on Mondays until 6pm!!!!!!

TRAGEDY!

So, I meandered around, trying to find a coffee shop. I found one and went in, but the vibe was ALL wrong. But you know, when you step into an empty coffee shop and the barista sees you, it's like you've committed to staying. If you're with people, you can be a bit more bold and leave, but if not.... it's over. You've committed.

Anyways, there I was, stuck and hungry; i hadn't eaten breakfast because I was so excited to eat a barbecue tofu wrap. So I ordered an allongé and a turkey sandwich (oh, so far off from a barbecue tofu wrap). I tried to get onto their free wifi, but it didn't work. The place had a strange vibe, and all the people there were old or TOO hippie for my taste. And it takes a lot for me to say the words too hippie. ( I also realized that I don't really like coffee shops with red and black walls).

I decided that I could not possibly spend 3 hours of my life in that hole, so I ate as fast as possible and continued my search for a place to work.

Luckily, I found a place down the street. It's full service, which means I'll have to pay a tip, but it's Illy coffee, and the wifi works.

I'm still mourning the closedness of my dream coffee shop, but there'll be another day for that. Someday.

i don't know what kind of girl i am.

i hear ya, Juno. i hear ya.
i dunno, today is one of those days. i went to bed feeling kinda blah, and woke up feeling blah. Whilst in the shower, i argued with myself over whether i wanted to go to church or not. Today was one of those rare Sundays when I had absolutely no responsibilities for church, and did not feel like going. i have not not gone to church for no reason in... i can't even remember how long. A very long time. Maybe since i was a kid. Anyways, i hemmed and hawwed for a very long time, and thought to myself, "If Loni calls me and offers me a ride, I'll go."

Loni only calls whenever Andy is preaching, and i figured she wouldn't call me. So, with wet hair, i jumped back into bed, pulled the covers over my head, set my alarm and prepared for sleep.

My phone rang. It was Loni.

Shoot, why do things like that happen?

i felt sad in the service. i don't know why. i just was.

Do you ever have days like this? Where you feel alone, and yet don't want to be with anyone? After service, i dashed out the door, proceeded to find some comfort food (read: mcdonalds) and headed home.

The sun is shining outside, and it is a gorgeous day. i am lonely, but i don't want to be with anyone i already know.

As i typed this, a huge grey cloud swallowed the blue sky.

i am going to back to bed.

pet peeves.

i have a multitude of pet peeves. do you have any?

. walk left, stand right people!
grrr, i get so mad when people clog up the escalator line by standing on the left! sometimes, i even yell out: "walk left, stand right!"

. when people say, "Oh, you'll find the right guy someday."
i know it's well intentioned, but it's so....i don't know...cliché?
a) if it comes from someone already in a committed relationship, i think, "Gee, thanks for that great word of counsel, but you're not the one who is single, and you can't guarantee i'll meet that right guy."
b) if it comes from a single girl, i think, "That's right, hope you're making yourself feel better."
c) if it comes from a single guy, i think (not all the time!), "Yeah, but I'm obviously not the right girl for you, since you obviously aren't madly in love with me. That's right, pawn me off onto some other poor unknowing soul."

. when people laugh at me for being scared of my ghetto neighbourhood.
i dunno, i'm sorry, but when you become a short 5'2 asian girl, with no upper body strength, you tell me i shouldn't be scared that i'll be mugged/raped etc across the street from what is, i'm pretty sure, a drug house.

my left eye hurts, and there is a bubble on it. check it out:

gross eh? I'm going to bed. Hopefully the bubble will go away.

thoughts.

. when do you jump ship and say 'this ship is not heading in a good direction'? Do you stay and hope that you can help maneuver its course into a good direction? Or do you leave before things go too off course and you've lost your personal bearings?

. i like the song Bruises by Chairlift.

. mac just speaks to my musical heart. feist, yael naim, chairlift...even that music is my hot hot sex song is catchy!

. michael cera..tomorrow!

. sometimes, we don't aim high enough. I'd rather aim high than settle.

things to look forward to this week.

. puces pop 2008: a free screen printing course on Saturday AND an arts and crafts fair.
. joining the Y: okay, so i'm not looking forward to this, but i'm sure my abs and my heart will eventually thank me.
. michael cera and nick and nora lovage.
. a yam burrito from burritoville.
. a teeth cleaning for $30

rainbows are made of sunshine and rain.

There's been a lot of rain over here on my end. But there's also patches of sunshine that allow me to know that everything will be alright.

" 'Now this is eternal life, that they may know you, the one true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.' What do you guys think this means?"

awe.

"Wow, that eternal life doesn't begin when we die, it's already started!! That's amazing!"

i'm so grateful for the girls in my discipleship groups.

and now..even georgie looks eloquent.

*you'll need to watch the 15s commercial.
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Faithful One.

i was crossing the street today on a green light, when a car turning left almost hit me. He honked angrily, and drove off, and my initial response was a sudden burst of anger. I don't know where it came from; I was just so angry at the injustice of it all. But anger quickly turned to sadness, and I cried all the way home. I know it sounds like such a silly thing to be sad over, but it's been a string of not so great weeks, and I don't know, I just felt so broken by it all.

To top it off, I haven't really known how to communicate with God lately. I haven't been walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I've believed the lies that I'm too tired and too weary to come to God and lay the burdens at His feet. At night, I have dreams that are immensely sad; I never remember what they are, but I wake up feeling beyond sad and fatigued as though I haven't slept well.

After the whole car episode, I came home and took a nap. I dreamt that I was sitting in a room, playing a guitar and singing the song Faithful One. I don't know why I'd be singing that song in my dream, since, like, no one has sung that song since the 90s. But I woke up, pulled out the guitar and played the song over and over again. And there was peace in my heart.

I love how God would go to the farthest depths, even to my dreams, to bring comfort.

Faithful One,
so unchanging,
Ageless One,
You're my rock of peace.
Lord of all,
I depend on You,
I call out to You,
again and again.
I call out to You,
again and again.

You are my rock,
in times of trouble.
You lift me up,
When I fall down.
All through the storms,
your love is the anchor,
My hope is in you alone.

because i won't go to church on saturdays.

i want to snowboard.

As soon as I said those words, I knew they sounded flaky and immature to the outside observer. I felt like I had to justify these words, and that even after the justification, people were still wondering why I was being so noncommittal.

I've always been the tough girl. The busy girl. The one people could turn to for counsel. The vault. I was always the one who would grab life by the horns and wrestle it down. But life for me changed in July. I was given a diagnosis of something I had known for a long time in my heart, but wasn't willing to admit aloud. Even now, I can't seem to type that diagnosis out for the whole world to see. That diagnosis, however, woke me up. It made me realize that I'm not invincible.

I've found myself to be really tired this year. It's a mix of factors, but in talking to the counsellor on Tuesday, I realize that it is very rare that I allow room for grace in my life. I love to please people and people and ministry have always taken priority in my life over myself.

Ever since grade 8, I've spent almost every weekend at church. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. In University, along with spending my weekends doing ministry, I added in Campus ministry. That's 10 years of ministry, almost day in day out. And I have never allowed myself grace to take a break. You know, on Thursday, I was feeling really drained after a long-ish morning/afternoon of interpersonal ministry. People drain me. I had about an hour in between my last discipleship appointment and my girls discipleship group, and so I considered resting. Instead, I picked up the phone and called a friend who I knew could use someone to talk to and just to catch up with. I was tired, and could have taken a break, but something inside me said, "Don't be lazy, Lydia. This girl needs you."

It's as though I have come to believe that I'm:

a) indispensable
b) not worthy of the grace that Sabbath affords.

Not committing to go to church on a Saturday night for fellowship, and moving our fellowship time to a Friday night instead, isn't really about snowboarding. It's about trusting God enough to say that I will take a full Sabbath on a Saturday, even though, for the past 10 years I've tried to maximize all my days. It's about knowing that the God I serve is a God of grace, and not a taskmaster who only looks upon those who are constantly working with favour. It's not as much about expedience and productivity as it is about being faithful. You know, Jesus didn't commend the second servant in Matthew 25 for being productive with the talents. He commended the servant because the servant was faithful with what He was given.

After 10 years of bad habits and draining ministry, it's time to make changes in my life. And some of these changes will mean that I will take Saturdays as my sabbath day to spend with the Lord and to just relax, without worrying about the prospects of the following day.

10 + 1 things.

10. the boosted headphones my friends gave me for my birthday

i love these! the sound is great, they're super cushy, they are vintage pink AND i feel pretty artsy-emo when i wear them!!

9. a saturday completely devoid of plans or responsibilities.

mm it was great to wake up late, go for lunch in the mile-end/plateau area and come back and nap.

8. the plateau

this neighbourhood is ridiculously "me". Bohemian enough to satiate my appetite, but not so bohemian that i feel like my life is threatened when i walk down the streets.

7. priscilla ahn

her music is fantastic! She's like a mix of Norah Jones and Rosie Thomas..

6. sing over me: worship songs and lullabies

i especially love the bethany dillon tracks.

5. equita chocolate

mm, my coworker and friend bought me a bar of equita chocolate (dark with earl grey nibs). it's SOO delicious, and leaves an earl grey tea aftertaste. miam miam! AND, even better...it's fair trade!!!

4. michael cera

i love the movie juno...and michael cera is just so ridiculously nerdy and charming at the same time!

3. barbecue tofu sandwiches

i've been making myself some tofu sandwiches lately. I just bake a couple of slices of tofu, brush some barbecue sauce on a st. viateur bagel, add a slice of cheese and then toast it altogether!

2. exuberance primary

this is the first font I've ever purchased. I used it for my recent newsletter, and I love that it's a sansserif font, and yet has a serif nature to it. It's extremely readable, and has a modern feel to it, without being TOO modern and boxy.

1. coconut cream chai

I fell in love with this tea earlier this year, and my best friend just sent me a HUGE package of this tea.

+1. flashpoint

oh my gosh, i love this tv show!!!! There are some episodes that aren't as good..but for the most part, it's great! i love the human face that there is...AND it's filmed in Toronto, and is unpretentious about it. mm. i think i watched like 4 episodes off the ctv website tonight.

2 months and 15 days.
it's been two months and fifteen days, and i still must say that i really like my nose piercing. i see it every day, and think to myself, "wow, I am SO glad that i did this."

sorry, warren. this is for you:

today i...

... went and had a quiet time at the plateau
... bought a sweater
... finally went and did a little bit of grocery shopping (first time in....a month?)
... got a wackload of admin stuff done, and sent a newsletter off for printing
... listened to lots of good music with the cute new vintage headphones my dear friends got me for my birthday
...cut my bangs all by myself!
... am loving navy blue paired with coral red
... will eat a barbecue tofu sandwich for dinner with some portobello mushroom and cheese nuggets.

today is...

... a better day.

[edit: and i went to see an outdoor movie with a great friend. complete with a vanilla bean latte at the end.]

hearing the love.

This week was one of the worst weeks i've ever had. Situationally, it wasn't that bad. Emotionally, it was craptastic beyond belief. i've been avoiding the world and their mother, and feeling like black is the new colour that everyone has to get used to at some point or another.

But one gesture and three people, helped me see that this too will pass. Each time i'll listen to the cacophony, i'll remember that i'll be okay. i'm not alone.

twenties.

i booked an appointment to talk. i've been feeling really sick in certain circumstances and situations. So much so, that my heart pounds and all i want to do is throw up. Tonight, i have a major headache from just too many people.

Nevertheless, God has been so faithful. i've had certain prayer requests answered, and the right types of people have been popping up in my life at the right time.

There are so many needs out there; so many people who, i feel, under normal circumstances, i could be there for and give good advice and a listening ear. But like my roommate told me today, "Don't ever feel like you're indispensable. You are not indispensable. The world will continue to turn without you." This is true. And is a good reminder. But i'd still like to be there for as many people as i can, and not just the bare minimum.

i want to feel better.

fixing.

Today was the first day I was willing to admit that I am broken.

not to get into politics or anything...

(and remember...all of the all postings, comments, opinions, and views on this site are entirely my own and don’t necessarily represent Power to Change or Campus for Christ’s ministry’s positions, strategies or opinion. )

but these two pictures and the video gave me a laugh today. And believe me, it's been awhile since the sun has broken through the clouds.



(thanks andy, for the following picture!)

... to quote our dear friend, Leonard...who is the power to change?





apparently..it's Jack Layton!!


also, while we're on the topic of politics...here's something put out by Focus on the Family. Seriously..is this a joke? Please, let this be a joke. Oh my goodness, what a laugh.



p.s. for my friends on rss feeds....haah it would be a wise move for you to remove me from your feed!! you'll be annoyed by how often i take things down and put things back up!!

i am sorry.

dear body,

i am sorry that today was the third time in a week that i have ingested mcdonalds. i am sorry to put you through this. It just tastes so good, i can't resist. And you never protest. You stay silent, grudgingly accepting the fact that i put you through hell. i know that in 10, maybe 20 years, your anger will be compounded enough to blow up at me (literally), but right now, you're in the saving face stage...so i'm gonna abuse this stage and eat more mcdonalds, i must confess.

yours truly,
lydia.

p.s. can't you just speed up that metabolism a little bit?

mulling.

"Here are my thoughts: You are a smart girl and very talented, but you're not used to relying on others in such a vulnerable way. I think that it is incredibly hard for you to ask for help, because you're the person that people usually go to for help. I think this is a form of pride."~ M.R.

"Don't feel like you have to put up a strong front to everyone, all the time, ok?" ~P.C.

today i am...

...disgusted by the fruit flies in my kitchen.
...too disgusted to go make food.
...hungry
...but too disgusted and fearful that one might fly into my soup to go and make soup
...immensely sad
...lonely
...embarassed
...tired
...wishing i had friends to eat dinner with
...but not wanting to go out and have to smile.

maybe tomorrow will be better. probably not.

seasons.

Lord i am waiting for this season to end.

Sometimes, I am so anxious for one season to end and for another to start that I miss out on what is good. But there are good things.

Things like getting bubble tea from friends, 2 days in a row. Things like getting a birthday card filled with starbucks lovage. Things like waking up to text messages with happy birthday wishes. Things like a random "music video" with pimple brow, captain shark, lame excuse and space face. Things like lunch with a dear, dear friend. Finding out that sushi may not be so bad, afterall. Things with only 3 letters and one exclamation point. Things like getting spammed with e-cards. Things like a small surprise party, and drinks with friends. Things like a new mug and more starbucks lovage. Things like a text message at 2 in the morning from an old friend.

During the darkest times, kindness and love mean so much more.

palindrome 2/RACECAR day.

hahaha i found this in my inbox this morning.

oh what a tangled web we weave.

Today, i learned a very good lesson. When you lie, you don't just lie once.

We've been having trouble with room bookings on campus, and so we found that the religious office was a great help. Instead of going through all the bureaucracy, you can just go to the chaplaincy office and book a room directly!

Anyways, today I went to the office to book a room. We have two events next week, and because of all the red tape at this campus, we had been unable to book. Thankfully, the people at this interfaith centre were really helpful! However, I got to the room, and realized I needed a student ID. I knew that if I waited to get a student to do the booking tomorrow, we might be out of luck. So I texted one of our students and asked her for her ID number, and filled out the form under her name, and signed her name. I knew she'd be okay with it, and it didn't seem like a big deal. Mistake #1.

The receptionist okayed everything, and so I asked if I could see the meeting room. We were on our way there, when I passed by the chaplain, who asked me my name. Automatically, I said, "Lydia." But I had signed the form with the name "Gloria". The receptionist turned to me and said, "Isn't your name Gloria?" Panicked, I said.. "Oh, those are both my names." Mistake #2. I should have just confessed..but I was panicked, and didn't want to lose our booking privileges. Forgery probably isn't such a hot idea. Even if you have permission to forge.

So the chaplain asked me why I had two names.

*gulp*

"Oh, well people call me lydia because it sounds like..err..my chinese name. Lee Dee AHHH." (that is not my chinese name at all!!)
"So how did you come up with gloria!"
"uhhh...oh, people in elementary school couldn't remember my name..so they called me gloria."
"so, do you like being called gloria or lydia?"
"uhh, lydia...since there is another gloria in our club."

later on tonight, when i was explaining the situation to gloria.

"so, gloria...if someone calls you and asks for lydia..you are lydia..and gloria. But, if you meet the chaplain in person, you're just gloria. a different gloria."

Moral of the story: do not lie. lying makes everything oh so complicated. and it is wrong. oh so wrong.

Sola scriptura.

I don't like challenging authority. Maybe it's because I've grown up in Chinese circles, where accepting (sometimes almost blindly) authority without questioning is something that happens a lot. Maybe it's because I hate conflict (and yet...love it!!). Whatever the reason, I don't like challenging authority.

Recently, I was in a position where I fundamentally disagreed with the manner in which someone in authority conducted something, and that night, I sat on a swing set in the dark and wrestled through what I should do. It was a hard decision for me. I don't often like rocking the boat, and I'm scared of coming across as arrogant or attempting to cause trouble. But I've always firmly held to the idea that scripture alone is my authority.

As we dialogued, a comment was made about that person being in authority. Another comment was made about how experience needs to be accounted for. My response was, "The Bible alone is my authority[...] and I will abide by THAT authority."

Whilst dialoguing (which would be a rather tame description), I realized that it is true. People will come and go in my life-- leaders will come and go-- but I will never prize human thoughts and experience over the word of God. 2 Cor 3:5 says that our sufficiency is from God and indeed I will submit to the authority of Scripture, because it has been inerrantly inspired by God and carries the FULL weight of His authority. I also realized how important it is that we know the Scriptures. Had I not known the context and the text of the Biblical passage, I would have looked like a fool, and would not have been able to contend for the truth.

The Bible clearly teaches that our faith should not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God. So often, in my own life, I place my faith in leaders: in my pastors, in people in authority within the organization I work for, in friends. This is not to say that I should not listen to those in authority. But the Bible is clear (a la 1 Cor 2:5) that our authority is not found primarily in human wisdom but in the inerrant word of God. How important is it then, that I strive to not only know God's Word or the "sunday school answers", but know God's word, so that I may wield it and take ground (a la Eph 6:17). I don't want to believe because human authority says I should, but because the Word of God stands forever.

"... All flesh is grass,
and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
when the breath of the Lord blows on it;
surely the people are grass.
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand
forever."~ Isaiah 40:1

one of the reasons why I think Toronto is fantastic.

toronto allows vespas to park in metered parking spots...for free!

technophobe.

i just installed a new wireless router/wireless backup drive/network/i-don't-even-know-the- jargon onto my computer. It took me one hour. I don't think it's supposed to take that long. But I'm not going to lie; I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.

theology of pink underwear.

Many things to think about. This came out of my mouth today, "If my child (a boy) constantly desired to wear pink, I'd be worried."

What??!! I don't even believe this. Somehow, I was trapped into saying it!!

And so..tonight I have been given many things to grapple over. The role of women in the church (something that was already in process), speaking in tongues (funny enough, I started reading up on this last week...and it's been brought to a head, of late!), belief (if you want to believe, but don't believe, how do you believe? Simple Answer: the Holy Spirit...)...
Also, my pastor says that I go for Peters...but I need someone more like John.
These are all things I once had a position on..and I still do... but am re-wrestling with. I guess it's a good thing?

There are many good quotes from tonight.

"You need a John but you go for Peters." hmmm..i need a john eh? hahaha.

Person A:"What if God calls you to marry someone who can't read?"
Me:"Uhh i hope that isn't a prophecy."
later on in the conversation...
Person C: "I can't read."
Me: Am I going to marry you????



I wish I was young and jujubes were the solution to all of life's questions.

on rest.

Along with the diagnosis in July, I realized I had to make significant changes in my life. As fall approaches, I am more and more acutely aware of how much I need to implement these changes. I feel my energy levels changing, slipping away from me. The burdens people used to share with me from their lives were once manageable. I could counsel everyone who asked me for it and pray for them. Now, I feel anxious anytime I cross paths with certain people. There are so many things I want to do and need to do. So many people I want to see and help. But physiology and capacity restrict me. This is what sickness has robbed from me.

Yesterday, as I sat and prayed, just for strength to get through the day, for motivation to complete the tasks on hand, I realized that this disease, this sickness has opened up a new world for me, replete with new roles. I can't do all the things I want to, but I can do things that I never like to do..like.. rest. I can't counsel everyone, reply to everyone's emails and text messages about needs and drama, but I can give a little and pray a lot.

I wish this disease wasn't something I faced. I wish I could live my normal life. But there is a season for everything in life. And it just so happens, that every two years, from fall to spring, there is a season of rest.


For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up; time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance; gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to time to cast away stones, and a time to refrain from embracing; time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to cast away; time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

***


and now..for something lighter...or not.

random slice on conservative Calvinist culture.

At times, I get frustrated by this culture. It's not the theology I have a problem with-- if you were to sit down and talk with me, you'd definitely realize that it's not the theology--it's the culture. It's the culture where everything is black and white, and time isn't taken to explore the grey areas before making a decision. It's a culture of pride and of needing to be "right" and where saying "I'm not sure, I'm still thinking about this." is never heard. It's a culture that, in large part, has forgotten the combination of grace AND truth. For a time, I was deeply entrenched in this culture, and so I speak, not as an outsider to this culture, but rather, as someone who has definitely played a role inside this culture.

I get frustrated by the amount of theological pride that exists in this culture. A couple of weeks ago, I was at a conference, and there was a group of people who were constantly ripping apart different preachers. They ripped apart preachers who weren't at the conference, and ripped apart preachers who were speaking at the conference. They would sit around, after the talk was given, and take the individual's talk down, one peg at a time. And when given the opportunity to say something to the preacher, they would remain silent. When asked about their silence, they would reply with excuses like "Oh, I don't think it's necessary.." or "Well... I have to read up more about this person first.."

I have definitely been guilty of doing this before. When I first started thinking about these theological issues, I was always criticizing certain preachers for not upholding Calvinism--i mean, how could they not be (that was facetious, by the by)-- or for being too harsh or too soft, or not doing this or not doing that.
However, I have been convicted this past year about how little I actually know. I have been convicted by Ephesians 4:29, which says "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

For some reason or another, God has put me in a position where I am so privileged and humbled to be able to disciple girls, and teach people about the character of God. With this, comes the necessity of correcting theological errors, while at the same time, being careful not to confuse errors with differences in theological persuasions. In discipleship, especially this year, I have come to realize the vast responsibility and "power" that I have. I have seen my sinful and critical heart be passed on to people I have discipled, who in turn develop a critical and un-grace-filled heart. I think caution needs to be exercised when we, as Christians, open our mouths to speak. For an unbeliever, there is an "excuse" to b*tch about celebrities, friends, etc. But for Christians, we are held to a higher standard, and sometimes, we think a difference in theological persuasion is reason enough to be able to b*tch. Even when it comes to errors in theology, grumbling and complaining and immediately taking apart a person in public, without speaking to them first, isn't the way to do it (a la Matt 18:15, 1 Tim 5:1, 17-21).

It takes a huge dose of maturity and humility to commit to these things, when, it is so much harder--especially when everyone else is b*tching--to step back and not be a part of this. It takes maturity to enter into "conflict resolution" and approach another person and say, "I have some concerns about what you are teaching. This seems to be what you are saying:_____. Is this true? If so, this is what the Bible says:__________. If not, can you give me some clarity?"

We need to pray and ask that James 3:13 becomes true in our lives. I want a harvest of righteousness to be sown.

gold and travel.

so, last night i missed the men's eight. long story. anyways, i just watched it....and seriously, I cried at the end when they won!!

must be the lack of sleep.

***

I'm really tired of travelling. I just told a friend of mine, that all I want is to sleep in my own bed for five weeks straight. Sadly, for the next three days, I will be on a staff retreat/planning time somewhere out in the boonies. Then, I'm back for about 8 days, and then off to my church leadership retreat for 4 days. I'll be here for all of September, but then in October, I'll be gone one weekend for summit (our fall retreat), one weekend for one wedding and the next weekend for another wedding. I'll be here in November, but don't even get me started about December!

I dislike being this transient.

i can't really draw to save my life..

but sometimes i really get a kick out of doodling. (click for normal resolution)

lovely people.

Tonight was a really nice night. I went to Starbucks and had a date with God..and just did some doodling and pouring out of my heart. Then, I met up with some new friends, who feel like they've been friends forever and a half...and just had a good time of talking about God and life..and taking MASSLOADS of pictures.

A night like tonight was just what I needed. I've been going through a hard time, dealing with some really hard things that are going on in my life. Things that, believe it or not, I'm not ready to disclose to the internet world..or even to most people. Only a really select group of people know, and I didn't choose these people based on how close to me they are (so if you don't know what's going on, don't be offended!!)...but on some other factors. So tonight was great. After a really horrible day of just thoughts racing through my head, it was good to just be silly and be with people.random picture i doodled at starbucks....converted to vector..then to jpg.

the la banquise crew. More pics from this random night viewable on my facebook.

on women in the church.

Something I have been thinking about lately is the role of women in the church. I used to have pretty set standards on what I thought should/should not occur, but lately, I've been thinking about this more. I want to have convictions that stem from the Bible and not from the culture I live in. I also want to apply these gleanings practically to my life. And so, the question is, how does this happen?

If there is one well trained, well-equipped and well-versed woman, and a handful of men, but men who are neither well-trained, nor well-equipped, nor well-versed, how does that woman equip and empower those men for a lifetime of service? Some might say, "Well, just step back and let them lead..they'll figure it out.." Which might work out on a theoretical level..but at some point, the blind can't lead the blind...and this might be a nice and easy solution on the outside, but, take it from someone who has been there. It doesn't work. So.. does she lead and call the shots? How does this fit into the conservative Christian paradigm?

Let me know your thoughts.

Random thought on translation.

You know, a lot of work goes into translating a booklet into a different language. I've never taken much notice of this, but I've been busy helping out with the conversion of this
booklet into French. I received the translation, and had to put it into the existing design. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong. French is a very verbose language (or so it seems!) and so once translated, there's twice as much text as the english version! This is a problem when you input something into a design that has already been custom made for something in English. Also, logos need to be redone, since they're done in English and need to be designed in French. Then comes all the text revision! I'm SO grateful for our team over in Quebec City. I don't even know how I wouldn't go crazy, editing over and over and over again. All the minute details that need to be checked out...insane. Last week, when I was inputting the French into InDesign, the program didn't recognize the hyphens from Microsoft Word..so I had to manually search 28 pages of text and input all the hyphens..and let me tell you, there are A MASSLOAD of hyphens in French!!!!

[edit: I just submitted the final revision *crosses fingers* of the booklet 2 minutes ago. You know, the reason why I love design so much is because the results are so tangible. Unlike working with people, you see the results of your work almost immediately, and when you're done, you're done. The quality of your work often correlates directly to how much time you spend working on the goods, tweaking and correcting. The one hour you spend choosing a font definitely pays off at the end. Anyways, it feels good to almost be done this project. Namely, because this means that the french ministry will have these in time for frosh week, AND because after spending a good 40 hours on this booklet, sometimes looking at it for a good 4-5 hours a day...it'll be nice to bid it farewell!]

and here's something i did for t-shirts this week... productivity feels so good.

tween.

Some days, I live the life of a full fledged adult: I think about things like home insurance, I pay my bills, I do groceries and cook for one, I think about budgeting and leases. Other days, I live the life of a child, cowering under my sheets, telling my parents not to get off the line with me because I'm convinced a monster is in my closet (read: man in the house).

I kid you not, this happened just last week, when my power unexpectedly cut out at 1am in the morning. And I know you might laugh at this and think, "Silly little Lydia." But hey, just yesterday, there were a multitude of cop cars in the alley right behind my house. And obviously, the police must think my neighbourhood is a sketch pad, because they've totally increased patrolling in my area. Some say this should give me comfort.

It doesn't.

To me, it says that the police are thinking what I'm thinking, "Wow, this neighbourhood is TOTALLY sketchy and is getting more sketchy, so we'd better do something about it fast before we get whipped with a lawsuit the size of Kentucky."

I digress.

See, this is the problem. I'm a girl stuck in my early twenties, living the life of someone in their mid-twenties, but at times just wishing I could go back to the bank of m&d and build invincible forts with blankets. So what small group at church do I go to?

Do I go to the one where everyone is in their mid-late twenties, married and churning out kids like wonka bars, but also thinking about home insurance, bills, leases and how to unclog the kitchen sink? Or do I go to the one where everyone is around my age, or just a bit younger, but still living the life of a university student where the bank of m&d is still open, where mum and dad (generally) aren't half a country away and where, in some cases, the hardest thing about cooking isn't the cooking (because the cooking stage isn't even accessible), but the cutting of mushrooms and the opening of cans of frozen concentrate. And this is the question: fun vs. challenge. Because let's be honest, maturity isn't all that fun. Home insurance isn't all the fun you might think it is, and though budgeting may sound like an adventure and a half, I'm pretty sure that unless you're a yellow on the Birkman, it isn't all it's cracked up to be. But there's some sort of a challenge missing, when the topic of the day is poo: the colour of poo, the smell of poo, the texture of poo.

I suppose this is what inevitably happens when you're a tween. Britney, I never thought I'd agree with you, but you're right. I'm not a girl, and I'm not yet a woman. Props to you. *punches fist in the air and then gags.*

tomorrow.

Little steps to healing. Fighting to believe that healing is possible. Fighting aloneness.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up with a sense of purpose. I will be out of the house by 10. I will plunk myself down at a coffee shop, be with Jesus, and do design work all day. On my way there, I will take my roll of medium format film and take pictures. I will listen to good music and do some sketching and maybe go shopping.

The promise of tomorrow is bright. Unless it rains.



p.s. i just had a wonderful idea for a picture in my head...so if you are a couple..currently dating or engaged or married..and you live in monts or tronts, let me know. haha.

18. B.D.I.

The first time I suspected that this might be the case was at the beginning of my second year of university. It was September the fifth, and I was standing at the bus stop, just off 1420 Birchmount. I thought to two years before, and all the signs and symptoms were the same.
The next time I faced this was in my last year of university. Two years later. Each time, six months.

Now it is summer. I can feel it creeping in again. By fall, just in time for my birthday, it will hit full force again.

On July 30th, what I knew all along was made official. Eighteen is the new number that defines me. By September, I can almost guarantee the new number will be between 25 and 28.

It's funny, because I've lived with this for so long, it just seems normal. I can't imagine life not being like this, but I hear that "normal" life is far different. Maybe one day I'll experience "normal".

"Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning."

9.

i'm sick again for the 9th month in a row. seriously, what are the chances?

18.

i found something out about myself yesterday.
something i've known for a long time, but have never verbalized.

it was devastating.

i saw the dark knight.

Some friends and i went to see it yesterday. oh my freaking gosh, it was PHENOMENAL. If Ledger doesn't deserve an oscar, i seriously don't know who does.

Does anyone recognize that the scene with the boats....was totally a game theory moment (chicken, anyone?)? I was sitting in my seat at that point, and honestly, the only thing i was thinking of...was how to predict what was going to happen using game theory.

I'm sorry, nerdy, I know..

looks like I wasn't the only one though. (don't click if you don't like spoilers and have not yet watched the movie).

clarity.

today, i had this super brief quiet time before the Lord, and though it was brief, i caught a glimpse into the estate of my heart, and all of a sudden, it was like a moment of intense clarity. i'd say it was like an epiphany, but this was not self-conjured/derived. Anyways, in a phone call later with a friend, this clarity was only magnified, and any desire to embrace the old way of living was muted by this sense of something, SOMEONE greater with greater purposes for my life than to just be.

wonderland.

still thinking about the whole blog thing. but i just have to say, that i absolutely love this.

on gossip.

Almost 7 years ago, my world (the world of a 15 year old) felt like it was caving in, because of gossip. i'm a blunt person, and though time has eased this somewhat, i still remain a direct communicator (but funny enough, an indirect receiver). i will often respond to things, and though my response isn't out of malice or ill-intention (especially for those who also receive indirectly), i can see how it may sometimes be perceived that way.

Seven years ago, i lost almost all the Christian friends i had, and spent a long time alone, because i was afraid to become a part of a community, since gossip inevitably happens. For two years, i had lovely non-Christian friends, and i went (non-commitally) to another church. But i stayed pretty far away from anyone Christian. i didn't want to risk getting hurt.

When i moved to Toronto, i kept my involvement with church fairly low, and my interactions with church people to more than an arm's length apart. But slowly, those loving and kind people drew me out of my shell, and for the first time, i was a part of a community where gossip and slander was minimal, and where encouragment and love were freely demonstrated.

i've had this blog for almost 6 years now. when i first started it, i wrote for myself (since i was the only one who read it). But without me knowing, people started reading my blog, and i quickly learned that what i was writing could hurt people. So i started censoring. Sometimes, i have a short fuse, and i'll remove things that i have written in anger. Blogging is slowly teaching me to be more restrained.

Lately, i've found that i do not write for myself anymore. i write for others, which is something i love doing. But along with that has come gossip. When i was doing support raising, and writing and being open about how lonely i was in Edmonton with no Christian friends, people would gossip about how they couldn't believe i was so ungrateful for God's provisions. Or when i write about interpersonal things going on in my life, people gossip about what they "predict" the "argument" (which in reality, doesn't even exist) is about. Some crowds accuse me of not being "open" enough. Other crowds accuse me of being too open.

Blogging is hard, because at the end of the day, you can't satisfy everyone, and because once it's out there, you make yourself a prime target for gossip and slander and dissatisfaction to go on.

Throughout the years, i've received emails from people asking me about this Jesus person i write about on my blog. i've received emails from people thanking me for my openness about depression, about life, about Jesus and about reality. It's been 6 years, and it's been some really good times.

Lately, though, i've come to a realization that people DO read this, and that they'll read this from THEIR paradigm and not mine. i've come to the realization that no matter what i do, my mouth MAY get me in 'trouble', and once it's out there, there's no way to make every 'customer' satisfied. The cheap route out is to say that what i write is what i write, and that people can choose to read this at their own discretion.

But life isn't about cheap routes and easy solutions.

This past week, i've felt just like i did at the age of 15. When one move, already repented for, has caused gossip about me and my life to build up. i hated feeling that way then, and i hate it now. It's exacerbated by the fact that i constantly feel alone and depressed in Montreal, even though i KNOW i am supposed to be here, and have been SO blessed by God whilst being here. I'm just not at a point where i can laugh off the blog-world gossip like i used to be able to.

i don't know, and there aren't any final decisions..but i'm contemplating retiring this blog.

little spitfire.
(disclaimer: there is profanity in this blog, so choose to read at your own expense.)

Awhile back, when I was still in Toronto, at a mall where I frequently went grocery shopping, a random woman yelled a verbal barrage of racist remarks at me. That day, I was so stunned, that I quietly accepted her remarks. It was one of the first times that I had ever faced such blatant racism. But as I went home that day, I was so angry... mostly because other people had heard that woman yell at me, and no one stood up to defend multiculturalism in our country. The biggest disappointment was in myself. It was that day, that in my heart, I vowed that if I ever faced such blatant and unrepentant racism again, I would not be apathetic.

Today, my friend Cloris and I went to watch the fireworks at old port. When the fireworks had started, a man and a woman came and stood behind us. They were cussing like no tomorrow. It was distracting and since there were kids around, I turned and gave the couple "a look". The man started "pretending to speak Chinese"-- not in a "let me try out your language" type way, but rather, in a racist way. I gritted my teeth, but didn't say anything. The woman with him said, "Stop, they're not as bad as the fucking Arabs." At this point, I couldn't sit quietly. I remembered my vow to never be apathetic. Maybe it was a summer in North Africa spent with some of the most hospitable and caring people I have ever met, but inside, I was shaking with rage. I turned around and pulled out my favourite line, "Profanity and racism are the crutches of intellectual cripples."
The guy was pretty ticked off, but the woman said, "Ah, she's just fucking PMSing."
"I will ALWAYS PMS when there's racism involved," I stated.

Then the man jumped in, "Go back to your fucking country."
"This IS my country, and it's a shame to see it filled with people like you."

The woman yelled, "I have a fucking beer bottle and I would love to smash it over your head right now."
White with rage, I yelled back, "Go right ahead, you'd do it because I'm Chinese eh?"

They walked away.

Around me, hundreds of people from different cultures just looked away uncomfortably and pretended to look at the fireworks.

About 5 minutes later, a burning cigarette landed on my arm. It burned me, and I turned around and looked. It was the couple again. So I picked up the cigarette, and looked at them. The guy said something about how I should go back to my fucking country, and how I was a fucking Chinese. I turned to them and in a low voice said, "I was born in this country, and when white supremacists...white racists degrade my country, my MULTICULTURAL country like the way you are, it is a tragedy." I turned around and sat down.

Later, when the man went to the bathroom, the woman came and apologized, told me she wasn't racist and asked me for a hug, which i found pretty funny, since she was the one who had threatened to smash a beer bottle over my head and who had called Arabic people "fucking Arabs", but I gave her a hug anyways, since Jesus would've forgiven.

After this whole episode, the fireworks ended (most of which I missed), and I got up to go. A different man came up from behind me and told me he was SO sorry for what had happened, Canada being a multicultural country. He told me he was Arabic and that he was so grateful for what I had said. With an accent, he went on to say that next to the two of them, I had sounded very intellectual, and that as an Arab, he was grateful for me speaking up, and that he wished he had done something for me.

I'm home now, and although I know I made it awkward for the friend I was with, and for the hundreds of people sitting and watching the fireworks, I am SO glad that I said something today. I am so glad that apathy wasn't chosen tonight. Injustice is something that will be with us until the end of time as we know it. But with the freedom I have been given, just to even be born in a place where my skin colour need not dictate my freedoms, I am so grateful, and were I given another chance to receive a cigarette burn, I would do it all over again. Maybe seeing this, one day, that Arabic man will stand up too.

iphone.

i stood in the iphone line today...i was number 96. From what i could see ahead of me, i was the only girl. There was one girl behind me, but she left early.

eventually i left too.

and went to another location, where they refused to give me one because they were only serving new customers. TELL me how this works? I mean, I know it's more economically savvy..but SERIOUSLY? Shaft your old and faithful customers with phone bills totalling $70/month, for new clients? I guess that's what you do when you know your clients are locked in for 3 years anyways.

so then i went to a pay phone and proceeded to have a phone date with lovely, romantic, elevator music for one hour.

thank you rogers. you treat your customers SO well.

resolved.

resolved to get to know Montreal better.
resolved to break into the Montreal DIY/Craft scene.
resolved to have many adventures. (if i had a vespa, this would be so much easier)

summer is a good time to get acquainted with many things. i've emailed some well connected people in Montreal and Toronto to help me get started on my adventure here in Montreal. They've come up with some helpful places to start. i'm going to a craft fair on Saturday, which is exciting, because even reprodepot fabrics will be there.

and i may not be in Toronto, but darn, i am GOING to find a place where i can sip coconut chai tea!

missing Toronto.

Most days, I really miss Toronto. I like Montreal, and I've been making more friends here... but some days, I wish I hadn't left. I know I've been called here, and so it's here I'll stay...for now, until God calls me elsewhere...

Today, I am thinking up ideas for the wedding invite of two good friends. I know the store in Toronto I would go to in order to get all the supplies for a mock up. I know the little tea shop that I'd stop in down the street to order a coconut chai tea to sip on before perusing through supplies.

But I'm not in Toronto. And it seems that all my close friends are moving there. Tonight I was talking to a friend from here in Montreal, and even he was talking about perhaps one day moving to Toronto.

My friend Brad says that I'm having such a hard time adjusting to Montreal because I can't let Toronto go.

Maybe.

I try not to think about Toronto too much, because it makes me cry like I am crying now. I think talking about Toronto all the time might make some people resent me (afterall, this IS Montreal...they hate ontario!)... but I seem to get really depressed here. Everytime I come back, I spend a lot of time crying.

Am I really supposed to be here?

Some days, I really miss home.

dealing.

it's silly, but the things i miss most out of my purse aren't the electronics. i just miss my Bible and my journal. my friend jfarq and i were laughing, because somehow things like this always happen to me. i mean, 4 exposures, being attacked by crazies and homeless people, a mugging, a break-in at my house (i wasn't here for that) and a man seeing me naked through my skylight...

many people don't experience this...well... ever! haha.

oh, did i mention, that yesterday, my landlord's car was broken into and the thief stole the keys for 18 of the houses he owns, including our house? Oh yeah, and the keys were all marked with our house addresses.

i just seem to attract adventure.

you know, despite having many of these adventures in Toronto, i still like Toronto, and i still feel safer at night in Toronto than i do here in Montreal.

anyways, all this adventure is getting to me. after the mugging, i thought i was okay. i mean, it's hilarious, in one sense. something i can laugh off. but now, when i walk down the streets, i wonder if the people walking by me are going to mug me. church friends and i were stuck in traffic for a really long time this evening, and they contemplated just dropping me off at a metro. i put on a brave face, but my heart skipped a beat. thankfully, they drove me all the way home.

now that i'm home, i'm scared someone is going to use the key that they stole and enter into my place and mug me. or worse. i mean, why else steal a bunch of keys if you're not gonna use them?

anyways, this is life, and it makes for a good story. the thing that allows me to laugh and to feel joy, in the midst of this fear in my heart, is that perfect love casts out all fear. i'm so grateful that when i'm all alone, and blogging at a quarter to 1 in the morning because i don't want to go to sleep alone, i'm really not alone.

i got mugged tonight, with my best friend.

we lost our cameras, our ipods, my bible, my wallet, my cell phone....

those guys better become Christians, cause man, i'm MAD THAT THEY HAVE THE BIBLE I LOVE!!! DONK.

travelog part 1.

Today, when I arrived at the Toronto airport, I flopped down in a seat facing the huge windows. Tired from the 8 hour flight and passage through customs, I pulled out some math-riddles that I found in one of those on-board magazines and started doing them mindlessly.
Behind me, I heard a girl on her cell phone talking to her mum. Talking about how her boyfriend (I'm assuming?) had hit her and pushed her in front of "them" (her friends, I suppose?). She was crying and yelling at her mum, and from the conversation, I gleaned that "he" had thrown her out on the street and tossed her wallet somewhere. She had no money.

Something inside me wanted to hand her a $20, just like that man did at Starbucks to me, what seems like ages ago. I wanted to ask her if she needed anything, if she was okay. But I didn't.

A mother with a young child was standing beside me, so I offered her my seat.

I end up sitting next to the girl on the cell phone, who had by then finished her conversation.

I see the girl, who must be in her late 20s, with her styled and curled blonde hair, and her big sunglasses, her perfectly pedicured feet, and though I know approaching her would be the right thing to do, the thing "a missionary should do", the thing Jesus would have done, I am afraid that my feeble attempt at comfort will be rejected. So i sit in my chair, pretending to look elsewhere--anywhere but AT her. But I steal glimpses. Though her glasses mask her eyes, I see her sorrow, and my heart pounds. A voice (the HS perhaps?) says "Talk to her."

But I don't.

I just sit, like everyone around us.

The announcement goes off on the PA system. "Flight AC421 now boarding."

The girl gets up and walks, her shiny stilettos clicking against the floor, her hips swaying back and forth in her perfectly fitted skinny jeans.

She disappears into the throng of people waiting in the boarding queue.

i am left to gather my stuff, and I can't help feeling disappointed with myself.

As i settle into my plane seat, i pull out my bible, well worn from 3 years of use and most recently, a 2 month stint in North Africa, Paris and London.

i know i am a hypocrite.

though i am disappointed in myself, i can't shake the feeling that had i a chance to rewind, i would still do the exact same thing.

bye bye Europe!

Well, I'm flying back to Canada today. I've been gone a solid 2 months, and the pictures on my camera have PILED up, waiting to be uploaded.

I don't even know what to say.

So here's an interesting story:

Yesterday, I took the chunnel back to Paris (the last train of the day), and because my parents didn't want me sleeping at an airport, they booked me a room at a fairly nice hotel in Paris. So, it's 11:30pm by the time I arrive at the hotel, and I'm all tuckered out, and all I want to do is sleep. But as I'm checking in, the stinking receptionist is trying to strike up conversation with me. Needless to say, it was pretty unwanted conversation. First, he proceeds to flirt with me, and then asks me my age as a part of his dodgy flirtatious conversation. I reply that I've just given him my passport, and that he should be able to read.
Then, when I've finally gotten my key, he says, "So, when you go to the club at night, do they ask you how low you can go?"

OH MY GOODNESS.

SO RIDICULOUSLY SKETCHY.

I went to my room and double locked the door and proceeded to call my parents. Of course, i didn't tell them about the sketchy receptionist. But i suppose they'll find out, since my dad reads this blog (hi dad!).

Anyways, minus the complete unprofessionalism of the receptionist, the hotel is nice, and everyone seems quite normal this morning. Which is a good sign.

Cliche, but embarassingly true.

I can't believe I just spent another 2 Euros just so that I can have another 30 mins, in order that I might blog. There MUST be something wrong with me. But, I mean after 6 weeks in North Africa, you must imagine the restraint it took not to blog right after arriving in Paris.

Now that I'm in Paris, I fear that I must confess something. But first, a preamble. The first couple of days were a BORE. To be honest, I'm not a fan of museums (too much sensory overload, too little time) and monuments (here today, gone tomorrow). I know, I sound uncultured, but in my defense, I think the general populus wants to admit this, but like a person who thinks Shakespeare is overrated, there is a fear of the unavoidable backlash by the pompous (or the posers) in society. Anyways, this is the reason for the delay in blogging. All those museums (minus Versailles....that trip was GORGEOUS) were putting me to sleep.

Now, to what I must confess. Today, I spent my day alone (I have two travel buddies here in Paris) and darn (I want to use the word da*n to express my excitement, but I know that this too would cause inevitable backlash) it was GLORIOUS! I know people often say that they LOVE Paris, and gosh, it's SO ridiculously cliche, but I LOVE Paris! Stuffy monuments and buildings aside, Paris is what I totally imagined Montreal being like. With no disappointment thus far at least.

The great thing is.. I'll leave before any disillusionment sets in.

You see, the tourist things aren't that hype; I mean, the Mona Lisa is like the smaller than the length of my arm. But those little streets lined with all colours and kinds of vespas? BRILLIANT. Today, I sat in a Starbucks (I know, I could have at least done a cafe...but Starbucks is SO much cheaper), spent time with God and people watched for hours. Then I picked up my stuff, did a little bit of shopping, and for the rest of the time, stuck in my iPod, and meandered the streets of Paris.

Let me tell you. At this point in time, I am so enamoured, that though I know the following statement is untrue, it feels true, so I am going to write it anyways. I feel as though there is little that is greater than roaming these streets with Feist, Yael Naim and the Across the Universe soundtrack in ear. All the little shops dedicated to fashion, design, DIY and randomness is enough to make my heart sing. All the vespas, zooming around, taking people places.... oh the joy.

So, here I am with two days of Paris left to go, 8 days of vacation left...and I just have to say, God has really blessed me.

p.s. the men here wear scarves. SCARVES. There is nothing better (again, hyperbole) than a guy wearing a blazer with a scarf, a pair of dark jeans and a pair of good shoes.

ni hao, ni hao!

The other day, whilst walking in the medina, someone called me Jackie Chan.

I was forewarned about this, but my mind STILL can't wrap around this concept. Jackie Chan is MALE. He is OLD. I am neither male nor old. Well, relatively speaking, that is. About my age, I mean. Not my male-ness or non male-ness.

Anyways, that is my update.

i'm lovin' it!

be back in 5 weeks.

lub ju.

p.s. i am hacking up a lung. please pray that this cough would go away. it's brutal!!!!!!!